Round Eighteen: Baby, You Can Drive My Car (Into A Number of Parked Cars)

Less than a month ago, the Magpie Army was flying high. They had just belted Adelaide, a week after completing a difficult away win against the top four Swans. They were then, as now, the only team to have beaten the all-conquering Cats. Given that they had come within five points of achieving the mother of all upsets against the same opposition in last year’s Preliminary Final, many pundits had them down as a genuine dark horse for the 2008 premiership. They just needed to secure the last top four position which, given the Swans’ shaky form, they seemed more than capable of doing. Then it all went horribly wrong. A second disappointing defeat for the season against the unfancied Kangaroos was followed by a wholly unexpected thumping at the hands of Essendon, a team Collingwood had summarily put to the sword by 12 goals on Anzac Day. Then the Magpies were made to look like second rate pretenders by the genuine item in Hawthorn (further details later in the Wrap). And the (seemingly) final nail was put in the coffin of the Pies’ 2008 season late on Sunday night.

The facts of the case are these, Your Honour. Despite the finals being imminent, the brothers Shaw and one Alan Didak decided to enjoy a classy night at Kew’s finest tavern, the Geebung Polo Club. Somewhat more than a few beverages later, the junior Shaw elected to drive home in a slightly weaving manner, predictably taking out dodgem car style a few innocent bystanders (mercifully in the form of parked cars) on the way. The police arrived to find Shaw Jr and Didak on the scene, but were informed (as was the footy club) that Didak had not been in the car but had rather been summoned by Shaw to assist in his hour of need. This, not surprisingly, turned out to be a packet of lies. Didak had indeed been in the car, for the second year in a row he had made a bad passenger-related decision. Unfortunately for Collingwood, and El Presidente Eddie McGuire in particular, the truth didn’t emerge until after all and sundry had sworn blind before the assembled media that the passenger had not been Didak but a “scaly mate” of Shaw Jr’s. Hell hath no fury like a high profile TV show host made to look like a schmuck. When the dust settled both Didak and Shaw Jr had been handled season-ending suspensions and comparatively light fines (Shaw Sr got two weeks for drinking while injured). The suspensions of two of the Pies’ top players mean that just making the finals is going to be a big ask now, let alone getting a top four spot. And the dark horse of premiership contention has been put behind a screen and shot. It seems more than likely that Alan Didak will not be at Collingwood next season, the only reason he wasn’t sacked would seem to be that the Pies think they can get something for him on the trading market at the end of the year. By all accounts President McGuire gave the playing group a fearsome spray on Monday, not a happy team at all are the Magpies.

Hawthorn, on the other hand, are a very happy team as their jaunty club song would attest. And they were singing it long and loud on Friday night after easily accounting for the hapless Pies. As ever forward Lance “Buddy” Franklin was the man to watch, booting a lazy eight while missing another half dozen. One of these days he’s going to learn to kick straight and will break the goals in a game record by half time. As it is he’s leading the Coleman Medal tally for both goals and behinds. Eight was the magic number once more the next day at the MCG, this time it was Bombers’ skipper Matthew Lloyd enjoying a day out. Lloyd’s heroics were the bright spot of an otherwise lacklustre match, the absolute highlight was Lloyd turning back the years, launching himself into the stratosphere and most probably securing the car for Mark of the Year. Drive sober, Lloydy! Dons by 16 points, and a most unlikely finals appearance is still an outside possibility. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIPGdAL1gLU&feature=related
Alive too are the finals prospects of North Melbourne, who fought out a gritty win against the rapidly faltering Lions in the Roos’ last ever “home game” on the Gold Coast. With the Roos’ departure, the “coast” (b’doom ching!) is now clear for the as yet un-monikered new side- Gold Coast Dugongs, anyone? The Roos are now very much in the mix for the last top four spot, although getting it is going to be something of a poisoned chalice as it involves coming up against Geelong in the first week of the finals. The Roos did just that last year and got absolutely annihilated. Brisbane, on the other hand, would probably be happy just to be involved in September after blowing yet another winnable game. As indeed would Richmond, who took the game up to the seemingly unbeatable Cats in the first half, but were comprehensively trounced in the second. Not that there’s any shame in that, Hawthorn is the only team to get anywhere near Geelong in the last couple of months. In yet another game involving potential finalists, Adelaide was able to hold off the fast finishing Carlton. Difficult now for the Blues to make it to September, they’ll need to win all of their remaining matches to have a shot one would think.
To the Sunday matches, and to the great joy of the public service there was AFL footy on at Historic Manuka Oval- the match of the round, no less! And conditions were absolutely superlative, perfect blue sky, ground in excellent nick and two teams in the top four with everything to play for. The Bulldogs and Swans both looked resplendent in their contrasting strips but it was the Swans who got off to a flyer with four unanswered goals in the first six minutes. It appeared as though a boilover was on the cards, particularly as the Dogs had lost their last two matches. However Dogs’ coach Rodney Eade (formerly at the helm of the Swans) was able to flick a switch and the Bulldogs put through eleven of the next twelve goals to go in comfortably ahead at the halftime break. The Swans then had the better of the third quarter, but the Dogs held them off and recorded a very valuable win. Hawthorn and the Western Bulldogs are now all but certain to play each other in week one of the finals, what a cracker of a game that’s going to be. The Swans are still desperately clinging to fourth, but this was a rare defeat in their ACT home away from home. They’ll be looking to regain some form before the finals kick off.

To the last two games of Round 18 and down in Melbourne the Saints marched in in a close one against the massively underachieving Port Adelaide. It’s difficult to imagine how the Power made it to a Grand Final less than 12 months ago, they’ve never even looked like being a contender in 2008. The Saints though are still definitely in contention for that last top four spot. They were given extra motivation to have a real tilt for the title in the days following the Round’s conclusion by the announcement that the AFL’s oldest player Robert Harvey will hang up his boots at the end of this season. Harvey is an indisputable champion of the game, a back to back Brownlow Medallist and eight time all-Australian. He made his debut back in the old VFL in 1988- anyone remember World Expo ’88? Or the Seoul Olympics? Certainly not the copious number of players on AFL lists who weren’t even born in 1988! An amazing career, unlikely that anyone else is going to chalk up 21 seasons at the top level of such a physical game any time soon.
And historic retirements were the order of the day over in the west as well, as Freo’s final foundation player Sean McManus chose the latest version of Derby: Fully Loaded as the occasion for his final match. McManus has been there since day one of the Dockers’ long strange purple journey, through tragedy and disappointment, the bad moments and the frustrating. There haven’t been too many moments of actual success for Fremantle over the last fourteen seasons. However the two matches a season their long-suffering fans crave victory in are the two against West Coast, and this year the Dockers have won them both! So perhaps their season hasn’t been all bad after all. Their win saw them leapfrog Port Adelaide into fourth bottom, the Eagles’ are now rooted in the bottom two and still in danger of a first wooden spoon just two seasons after taking a (possibly substance-assisted) premiership.

So just four rounds to go in the 2008 home and away season for all bar those whose propensity to have a lager or two, drive in a less than confidence-inspiring manner and then play fast and loose with the truth have seen them banished to the sidelines. Drive carefully, all! And never, ever, make Eddie McGuire look foolish. Here’s a treat, a sneak preview of the AFL Grand Final pre-game entertainment for 2008. See you back here for the Round 19 Wrap next week.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31x2WpuSAkA

Round Seventeen: The Long Awaited Wrap

Some months back I had the opportunity to meet former Prime Minister Paul Keating. I asked him for a photo, noting that I had voted for him in 1996 (the one that saw his government thrown out of office and which ushered in eleven glorious years of Howardism). He was pleased by this, commenting "True believer, eh?" So, as the first Wrap in months goes to print (so to speak), allow me to dedicate it to the true believers of the Wrap who have long awaited its coming. This one's for you.

Round Seventeen itself can be summed up as the long awaited round. There has been no game more eagerly awaited in 2008 than Geelong versus Hawthorn, the champions versus the challengers. Due to the vagaries of the 2008 draw these two teams had not done battle prior to this encounter, and indeed hadn't met each other at all since early in the 2007 season. This game was billed as the likely Grand Final preview, and it certainly lived up to expectations. In front of a sell-out MCG crowd the two sides put on a belter, with fate and momentum shifting like the Sahara sands in a windstorm. Early on it looked like the Cats were going to dispense of the Hawks in the same brutal fashion that they had put down the Hawks fellow pretender the Bulldogs the previous week. But the Hawks fought back valiantly and hit the front in the third quarter. It was a ding dong final stanza. Unfortunately for the Hawks their champion midfielder Luke Hodge blew their final chance with a most uncharacteristic clanger, a kick straight to the opposition which allowed the Cats to sweep the ball away and seal a thrilling match. Hodge can probably be forgiven for his mind being elsewhere, his partner was massively pregnant and there were doubts that he would play in the match at all. Luckily it all worked out well for the Hodge family- Luke's first son arrived a little less than 24 hours after the game concluded, I think on balance Hodge Sr will judge it a pretty good weekend all round.

But who can stop the Cats in 2008? It seems more than likely now that they will go through the remainder of the season undefeated, thereby equally the record of the Almost Invincibles Bomber outfit of 2000 which also lost just one match for the season. Geelong's one defeat, to Collingwood by a massive 86 points some months back, was incredible at the time and seems completely inexplicable now. Certainly Cats fans, who for so long awaited September glory, are being thoroughly spoiled just at the moment by one of the best teams the game has ever seen.

Another big crowd showed up the next day for the rematch between Collingwood and Essendon. Prior to the match the Magpies were still in contention for a top four finish and accompanying double chance, despite their loss the previous week to North Melbourne. Essendon's faint finals hopes had seemingly disappeared with its heartbreakingly narrow loss the previous week to Richmond. All signs pointed to another comfortable Collingwood win. But instead it was the Bombers who came out to play, blitzing the Pies in the opening quarter, withstanding a fightback and then running away with it in glorious style in the latter stages. Long awaited revenge for the Anzac Day debacle for the red and black brigade. It may well be too late for the Dons in 2008 to be a finals contender, but after a couple of months of pain they have given supporters a lot of hope for 2009. While son of a gun Jobe Watson racked up a stunning 41 disposals, it was the garish orange footwear of teenage sensation Kyle Reimers which caught the eye. The kid can play. For Collingwood, it was a bitterly disappointing defeat. It looks as though again they're going to have to do the finals the hard way, presuming they qualify. It must gall their supporters that they can thrash the reigning champs by 86 points and win interstate, but then drop games to the likes of Essendon, Carlton and North (the latter two twice each). And a tough draw in the last couple of rounds isn't going to help (they actually have to play away from the MCG!)

West Coast fans have endured a shocking season in 2008 as the footy gods have delivered a karmic response to their representatives' off-field shenanigans of 2006/7. But they experienced a long awaited victory against the Saints in Round 17, snapping a seven match losing streak and moving the Eagles one step further removed from a dreaded first wooden spoon. Perhaps the Eagles were inspired by the news that chronically indecisive ex-Lions skipper Michael Voss had decided to come on board as an assistant coach for 2009 after previously stringing out Essendon and Carlton in 2007 (as a possible coach) and the Gold Coast (as the possible inaugural coach of the new side). Perhaps Vossie was put off the Coasters by the awful choice of nicknames their citizens are being asked to choose from. Sadly neither the Muriels nor the far better Schoolies made the list, but with cool nicknames like the Sharks and Dolphins being unavailable (and a maritime theme seemingly being mandatory, the new team will be called one of: Stingrays, Rays, Marlins, Ironmen or Guards. Seriously- the Ironmen? God help us. That would have to be the single worse nickname in the history of professional sport, and I include the Kolkata Knight Riders, the netballing Skope Tactix from NZ, the Toronto Argonauts (or any random outfit in the Canadian Football League, check the website!) or the Fremantle Dockers in that. Although the Dockers still have the worst club song. Unless we're including the West Coast Eagles or Port Adelaide Power in this. But really, the Ironmen? Will those poxy lifeguard hats be part of the uniform? Will members of the Haemochromatisis Society be given free memberships? Will ex-Goon Peter Sellers' little-known masterpiece "Any Old Iron" be redubbed as the club song? Or will it have to be something by Iron Maiden? If any of that sorry list of potential nicknames is to get up, my vote is for the Marlins- Go the Brandos!

Returning to the game under discussion, the Saints will be kicking themselves for letting slip a chance to push for the last remaining top four spot. However the Swans, who currently occupy fourth spot, blew their chance to secure it by going down at home to the Crows, who themselves snapped a five game losing streak. This was a remarkable game for posters, the SCG brains trust must surely be regretting installing the leather magnets in the goal posts as the Swans pelted them with gay abandon. Nine wins out of ten for the Crows against the Swans, they've got the wood there. Barry Hall's return from the psychiatrist's couch was a mixed bag, he didn't punch anyone but didn't have any great impact on the field either. Food for thought for all concerned there.

While all this was going on two other sides still in finals contention, Richmond and Brisbane, were putting on a belter down in Melbourne. The Lions looked great in the old Fitzroy colours, but unfortunately donning the Roys jumper seems to be the kiss of death for them in 2008. They went in at three quarter time with a fairly comfortable lead, but the Tigers pegged them back until the ball wound up in the hands of Joel Bowden, needing to kick a goal to ensure the win. Bowden had had plenty of media coverage in the previous week, after he had deliberately rushed a couple of behinds in the dying stages of the match against Essendon in a successful bid to run down the clock. Some had compared his actions to those of Trevor Chappell. However this week Bowden got to play the role of Michael Bevan, whacking a four on the last ball of the match (or kicking the goal at least) to steal the points and give the Tiges an outside chance of a long awaited finals berth.

To the Sunday games, and a great coincidence here as all three games were decided by a 28 point margin. At the MCG North Melbourne had little trouble in knocking off the hapless Demons in front of a crowd which could have been comfortably accommodated within the Ponsford Stand, if not the Long Bar in the Members Pavilion. The Dees were coming off a troubled week in which ex-Wimbledon doubles champ and short-lived CEO Paul Macnamee had been shown the door by incoming President Jim Stynes. Perhaps, given this is the 8th Demons CEO in 10 years (Essendon have had one over the same period) Stynes has run across the mark with this one? Rumours that the Woodies will be coming in to take over the position in a job-share arrangement remain unconfirmed at this time.

Over in Adelaide the Fremantle Dockers belied their dreadful season form and won the battle of the Most Disappointing Teams of 2008 comp against the Power in front of another pitiful crowd at AAMI Stadium in Adelaide. In the absence of skipper Matthew Pavlich the Dockers were somehow able to chalk up an AFL/VFL equalling record of 16 individual goalkickers- the six blokes who didn't get on the scoresheet must be dirty! 2008 has been harsh for the Power, basically nothing has gone right for them since the 2007 preliminary final. At least, given that they won't be featuring in September, they'll be spared another 20 goal hiding on a worldwide broadcast on Grand Final day this year.

To the final game of a classic round, and in front of a slightly better crowd Carlton ran all over the Bulldogs in the second half to pull off a stunning victory. Tipsters already shaking from upset after upset were left aghast as the Urinator recovered from a dreadful first half to boot Carlton home with the assistance of a mighty performance from skipper and number one recruit Chris Judd in his 150th match. Carlton's recovery from the doldrums of the Pagan era remains on track. The Dogs are just a tad shaky after consecutive losses, particularly given last quarter fade outs in both games. But their finals spot is guaranteed, whereas Carlton may still be waiting for next year to break their finals drought.

So what a round it was- I got four in the tipping, anyone who got eight is either a medium or a dirty rotten cheater. The final eight may have looked home and hosed just a few weeks ago (I'd refer you to earlier columns but unfortunately the Wrap was on hiatus during this period) but it's anyone's guess who's going to be in the eight now. Not that it matters, Geelong are going to win by a street at this rate of knots. Still, with footy entertainment of the kind provided over the last week there's no shortage of interest in seeing how it all goes. Barring some kind of unforeseen calamity I'll be back writing up the remaining rounds so do stop by and see how it all pans out. Until next week, your proverbial scribe has returned (another Bible reference!) so thanks for keeping the faith.

Oh, and before I forget, a Youtube link- it's Mr Humphries from Are You Being Served. Just because. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSHSxKIyKMM&feature=related

Apologies

Sorry for the lack of posts in the last month or so. It's not just because Essendon sucks this year. Or because I've lost all interest in AFL as a result of same. That's part of the problem, admittedly. Work issues have played their part. And general lack of interest in the whole point of things generally. I'll get back on board eventually. Don't won't to ignore the contibution made by schoolboy favourite Matthew Bate (say it quickly) who continues to play a solo role up front for the Dees. Or any of the other great achievements by AFL numinaries like Sam Newman et al, who continue to make us proud by keeping AFL on par with the NRL for general embarrasment value. Next wrap will come eventually, and will be great. Thanks for keeping the faith in the meantime. Stu

The Representative Round: Jason Voorhees lives!

Like a latter-day footballing Jason Voorhees, representative state of origin football lurched back into life in 2008, leaping from the grave with decaying arms stiffly extended towards the throats of horrified onlookers shocked and stunned to see it still alive long after it should by all rights have passed to a better place. The concept was seen to have breathed its last in the late '90s after one too many players had pulled out of a state of origin match claiming one of either a dodgy hamstring, a virus of some kind, the all-encompassing "general soreness" or lupus, all of which amazingly cleared up in time for the player to take the field for his club the next week. However, this year being the 150th anniversary of the code, the AFL announced that the Big V was being exhumed once more. But who would they take on? South Australia? Western Australia? The Allies (comprising all of the remaining states and territories)? No, this time around Victoria was going to line up against no lesser foe than the Dream Team. Disappointingly it turned out that this referred not to the 1992 US Olympic basketball team, which surely would have brought the fans out in droves, but to the rest of the nation outside the Garden State. The Allies plus, in other words.
It should be noted that the AFL is not the only national football code celebrating a significant anniversary in 2008. Our northern cousins the NRL are marking 100 years since the great rugby split. I don't know the circumstances involved in that particular incident, but I do know that the NRL folk love their representative footy. The fans can't get enough of the state of origin show, and the players all clamour for the honour of wearing either a maroon or light blue jumper. No lupus-related withdrawals up there! I actually went to an NRL state of origin match in 1994, held in Melbourne for reasons unclear both then or now. I think it was some sort of promotional idea, aimed at selling Victorians on the northern game. Certainly the hype surrounding the game was massive, and the NRL succeeded in filling the MCG with 87,161 curious Vics. Unfortunately, the hype well exceeded the entertainment provided by the game itself, which was a dire affair. Only a streaker and a brawl or two provided any interest, and the vast bulk of the 87,161 would have departed the stadium feeling like Jesus of Nazareth emerging from the desert having endured the temptations of the devil for forty days and nights. That is, I believe, the very first biblical reference I've ever put in the Wrap. A milestone of sorts.
The NRL folk put on their own representative fixture on the Friday night, with Australia taking on New Zealand. They resorted to the "classic" 1908 replica strips, which meant that instead of the Australian team taking to the pitch in the customary (for rugby league) dark green jumper with a gold v, they instead went out wearing an eye-watering maroon and light blue hooped ensemble. I presume they got up, I don't think the Kiwis are really that into rugby league. They're a bit like Victorians in that regard.
The Aussie league team weren't the only ones forced to appear in duff strips over the weekend. The jumpers designed for the Dream Team looked from a distance like an unfinished template waiting for some sort of icon to be added- perhaps a map of Australia minus Victoria. It turned out that if you had a really close look the jumpers did in fact include a handwritten list of all of the registered clubs throughout the nation- why is anyone's guess. Disappointingly, given that Victorian clubs were excluded, such superbly-named local outfits as Poowong, Nar Nar Goon, Manangatang and Devon-Welshpool-Won Wron Woodside (the Four Wheel Drives to their loyal fans) were nowhere to be found. Despite such a handicap, the Dream Team were able to field a pretty damn impressive line-up. As indeed were the Victorians. After so many years without any opportunity for representative footy the players were very keen indeed for the chance to run around in the colours of their state or generic concept. The media too was very much onside; only Brisbane coach Leigh Matthews, who didn't want his star forward and Victorian captain Jonathan Brown; and ex-Hawk Dermott Brereton, who confessed to many a lupus-withdrawal in the '80s, had a bad word to say about the fixture. Certainly the respective coaches "Bomber" Thompson and "Choco" Williams, and their assistants "Sheeds" Sheedy and "The Reverend" Daniher, spruiked the occasion for all it was worth. It was great to see Sheeds and Daniher back in action again, they've been missed.
All of this activity, plus the fact that it was the only game on all weekend, helped ensure that a better than respectable crowd showed up at the MCG for the big game. Those of us watching on TV had to endure a massive promotional build-up before the footy actually kicked off. First there was a seemingly never ending thinly disguised Toyota ad comparing the great moments in footy (Jezza's mark etc) with such great moments as the universal installation of passenger side airbags. Then there was a fairly dodgy historical re-enactment, featuring a figure evidently meant to be Thomas Wills sitting in a genuine 1850s pub (complete with authentic 1850s neon Guinness signs). The actor playing Wills had evidently decided to model his performance on Governor Frontbottom from the Olden Days, camply writing a letter (while simultaneously reading it out aloud) suggesting that cricketers could stay fit in winter through either playing football or forming a gun club. Then, once the players finally emerged onto the playing arena, we had to watch them all being individually introduced. That kind of thing works well in basketball, where they have five players plus a couple of subs, not quite as well when the teams have 25 players each. By the time all 50 players had been introduced it was definitely no longer light outside, and the bloke playing Wills was now three sheets to the wind.
The game itself was entertaining. Having blokes like Judd, Brown and Goodes on the same team is pretty exciting to watch, and there is no doubt that the standard of skills on display was pretty high. However the game did lack a bit of passion. It seemed as though a lot of the players (understandably) were keen to avoid injury, in the event only Collingwood's Josh Fraser suffered an injury which will put him out of action for a couple of weeks. The crowd's engagement with the whole affair can be summed up by the fact that a Mexican Wave went around the game with five minutes to go and scores pretty much level. That wouldn't happen in a club match. As it was, the Vics managed to come back from a bad start and took the game by three goals.
Following the epoch that was the pregame entertainment, many feared that the postgame entertainment would result in Wills' death through alcohol poisoning. However those watching in Victoria apparently got whisked away to the qualifying rounds of the Turkish Grand Prix the moment the siren sounded. The rest of us were treated to the most unusual sight of players swapping guernseys, which hasn't happened in many a year. Anyone tuning in late would have come to the unmistakable conclusion that the disconsolate blokes in the Big V jumpers were on the losing side and vice versa. But Vics skipper Brown left nobody in any doubt during his speech, declaring to the late EJ Whitten that "We stuck it right up 'em, Teddy!". Choco Williams looked less than impressed with this display of Victorian triumphalism, and I'm sure many others watching around the big brown Dreamland were also slightly miffed. But full credit to the bloke who took the medal for best afield- the Urinator from Carlton kicked six and is in excellent touch just at the moment.
So that's it for the representative round for 2008. Will we see the Big V in action again? Or the Dream Team? Or will Jason Voorhees sink back into his grave once more? Keeping in mind Friday the 13th has about 20 sequels, my money is on the former proposition. Next week sees the resumption of business as usual, no doubt to general relief. See you back here for the Round 8 Wrap, and if lupus strikes, do see a doctor!

Round Seven: The Family-Friendly Edition

One of the great romantic (in the traditional, rather than the Barbara Cartland sense of the word) appeals of the AFL to its supporters is the way in which great names continue to reappear down the generations. Three generations of Hirds plus a fairly handy Fletcher or two have appeared at Windy Hill, Shaws and Clokes continue to bob up at Collingwood, Geelong's 2007 flag was produced on the back of a Scarlett and a couple of Abletts, and Port Adelaide has a couple of players whose fathers were allegedly champions in Die Bundesliga some decades back . The father-son rule has helped ensure that the progeny of the elite are generally able to ply their trade while wearing the old man's colours. It also helps to have a coach like Kevin Sheedy who will move heaven and earth to ensure that brothers can turn out in the same side- playing all four Daniher brothers in a match once being the most obvious example.

However there are also players who become "family" in the broader sense of the word, with their exploits on the field endearing them to their club's supporters beyond standard loyalties. The sense of betrayal experienced if such a player is to move on and play for another club is severe indeed for club supporters, particularly when the player returns to play against their original club. Think of Ron Barassi lining up against the Demons in a Carlton jumper; Doug Hawkins running around the Western Oval wing for Fitzroy; Dermott Brereton standing on an ex-Hawks teammate's head while wearing red and white. Difficult to watch indeed, particularly for the bloke with Brereton's boot on his head. Such was the case on the Friday night of Round Seven when the great Chris Judd returned to Subiaco Oval to take on the Eagles for the first time in the navy blue of Carlton.

Judd's move back to Victoria at the end of last year was a very big story. He'd won every award not nailed down at the Eagles: premiership captain, Brownlow Medal, Norm Smith Medal; second prize in a beauty contest, you name it. His stated reason for wishing to depart West Coast was a desire to return to the Garden State. However many believe that it had more to do with a fervent wish to be shot of the Eagles' appalling off-field soap opera, including this bloke- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPPxCEIC0gA. Unfortunately for West Coast, Judd's departure coincided with that of his troubled midfield partner Ben Cousins, and the Eagles are now a shadow of their old selves. Fortress Subiaco has been comprehensively levelled in 2008. At halftime of the Round Seven fixture the Blues were up by eight goals and the Eagles looked awful. They did mount a bit of a fightback later on but Carlton were able to ride it out and run away with a rare away win. All in all a very bitter pill for the blue and yellow faithful to swallow; if you're losing at home to a side which recently equalled its longest ever losing streak it might be time to start thinking about draft picks.

The bloke who had the thankless task of running with Judd was one Adam Selwood, who shot to fame last year by unwisely sledging Dockers' hothead Des Headland's (admittedly dodgy) tattoo of a figure who was (allegedly) his daughter. Although given the quality of the tatt it could just as easily have been the guitarist from Motley Crue. However, I digress. Selwood is also notable for being part of the latter-day AFL Von Trapp family- not since the Danihers has there been four brothers running around the AFL at the same time. Unlike the Danihers, however, the clan Selwood is spread far and wide. Adam is at the Eagles, his twin Troy is across at Brisbane, number three son Joel is down at Geelong, and somewhat disappointingly the youngest son Scott is also at West Coast. Many had been hoping that Scott would have been drafted by either Sydney or one of the South Australian clubs, therefore allowing the Selwoods to singlehandedly encapsulate the national competition within a single family unit. Although Ma and Pa Selwood are no doubt relieved, had that scenario come to pass they would have had to fund the planting of trees in an area the size of the Daintree Rainforest in order to offset their carbon emissions from travelling to see their sons play each week. Troy and Joel met up on the Saturday afternoon as the Cats hosted the Lions, with Brisbane looking resplendent in the old Fitzroy colours. Like many a title-holder before them, the Cats of 2008 are rapidly discovering that everyone wants a piece of the champion. The Lions shot out of the blocks in the first quarter to take the lead, only for the Cats to slowly reel them in. Another week, another win for Geelong, but they're getting progressivly more difficult.

Most feel that the Cats' primary challengers in '08 will be Hawthorn, and this supposition was given new strength in Round Seven as the Hawks belted Collingwood. Given that Collingwood had themselves belted Essendon the previous week I think I might try and be out of town and out of TV/radio coverage the week the Bombers have to front up against the Hawks. Although the Hawks led all day it was their 10 goal final quarter onslaught that had the pundits oohing and aahing. "Buddy" Franklin booted another six for the day as the Magpies wilted to a 65 point defeat.

Two Saturday night fixtures: over in Adelaide the Crows were largely untroubled in putting away North Melbourne. Back in Melbourne however it was a mighty struggle between the Tigers and the Saints, both of whom would feel that they are very much in contention for a finals spot in 2008. Another family affair, this time it was the Riedwoldts on centre stage. Unfortunately it was a bad night for both Nick of the Saints, from the Gold Coast branch of the family, and Jack of the Tiges, who hails from the Tasmanian end of the diaspora. Nick went down with a damaged knee, while Jack's attempt to win the game after the siren from 55 metres fell short, leaving the Saints with a three point steal. After the game it emerged that the timekeepers had screwed up again, once more losing 11 seconds. What is it about 11 seconds, anyway? Tiges' coach Terry Wallace was less than happy, pointing out that Jack could have used that 11 seconds to pass off to a teammate closer to goal. I'm sure the AFL will be fervently hoping that the timekeepers get it right in Round 8.

Three more games to complete the round took place on the Sunday. Ex-Swans coach Rodney Eade enjoyed his return to the SCG at the head of the Bulldogs, as the Doggies overcame a slow start to take the points and protect their status as one of three unbeaten clubs after Round 7. Essendon's dismal performance at home against Port Adelaide inspired many of their supporters to leave the ground early; not so much to beat the traffic as to avoid beating themselves over the head with anything handy as a means of blotting out the appalling spectacle before them. Less than a third of the season gone and the Bombers are playing for draft picks. The only bright spot for the Dons was that three new players got a guernsey, among them yet another Daniher. The latest of the clan is the son of ex-full back Tony. He goes by the slightly unfortunate Generation Y name of Darcy Daniher, which for mine makes him sound like an angst-ridden female teen character in Dawsons Creek who develops an eating disorder for an episode or two. But it's still better than "Sharrod".

But the big story from Round Seven came at the MCG, where the hapless Demons took on the equally hapless Dockers. Many had feared that this match would draw a crowd that would be outnumbered by the seagulls swooping in from the beach in search of discarded chips. This proved correct, with less than 20,000 spectators spotted around the mighty stadium. But what a game they got to see. In the first half the Dockers came out firing, seeking redemption for their desperately disappointing loss to Geelong the previous week. Melbourne predictably wilted under the fire, and another 100-plus point defeat looked on the cards as they limped into the sheds 50 points down at halftime. Even the TAB bookmakers came over all benevolent, refusing to take bets from those gullible enough to think that the Dees could pull it back. But whatever was in Melbourne's halftime cordial obviously did the trick as they stormed into action in the second half, booting 14 goals to 4 to steal a most unlikely victory by a solitary goal. Dee-lirium for the players and supporters, the monkey finally off the back in 2008. Another Docker Shocker for the purple haze though, two matchwinning leads blown in consecutive weeks has shot their season. Tough days for Mark Harvey and co. The only consolation the Freo crowd have is that at least the Eagles are equally decrepit this year. Expect memberships for the Perth Glory and Wildcats to soar in coming weeks and months.
So another terrific round has been played, and at this point in the season I'm prepared to make the prediction that the final four (Geelong, Hawthorn, the Western Bulldogs and Adelaide) is settled. I think that Port is the only team currently outside the eight with a chance of playing finals this year, although given how mediocre teams 5-8 are it's anyone's guess who they'll displace. The battle for next year's number 1 draft pick has officially begun, with any of Melbourne, West Coast, Fremantle or Essendon well and truly in the mix. No club footy on now until the weekend of 16-18 May, but we'll be sure to put something in writing about the rebirth of representative football- look for it right here in the days to come.

Round Six: Flooding Red Guard, Hidden Extra

With Anzac Day looming, defence was forefront on the minds of all in the lead-up to Round Six. And by all I mean not just those associated with the AFL's second biggest day of the year, or those in the Australian community with reason to be thankful to the Anzacs (ie. every last one of us). No, in the national capital at least, it was our friends in the Chinese community who were focused firmly on defence as the beleagured Olympic torch relay came to town. Following the protest-ridden debacles in London, Paris and San Francisco the expatriate and local Chinese population were determined that the Canberra leg should be successful and free of such dissent, and so elected to ensure the safety of the torch by sending in the latter-day equivalent of the Red Guards. Whether this action won friends and promoted the Olympic spirit is probably a topic for discussion for another blog. However, credit where credit is due- their defensive efforts were spectacular. Borrowing a leaf out of Paul Roos' coaching playbook, the red-clad defenders swarmed into their opponents' zone and effectively smothered their creativity- flooding at its best. Like all games involving flooding it made for a less than edifying spectacle, but at the end of the day the torch was defended and the opposition left town nursing their bruises and knowing they'd been in a contest.
If only Essendon had taken a leaf out of the Chinese book on Anzac Day itself! Unfortunately the Dons' single-focused attack at all costs game plan was well and truly blocked by Collingwood, who ran away with a 73 point victory- the record margin for an Anzac Day fixture. To add extra chagrin to Bombers' fans, the shellacking was witnessed by both Sapphic songstress kd lang and peevish malcontent George Costanza, both guests of the Magpies. A hugely disappointing result for Essendon, the honeymoon is now well and truly over for Matthew Knights. Let's not dwell on the disappointment further. Here instead is someone whose honeymoon was over some time ago, George W Bush, rapping on his troubles as only he can- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JX-Bx0BETQ.
If the Anzac Day afternoon game was a bit one-sided, the evening fixture was anything but. Geelong travelled to Fremantle as warm favourites, with redheaded stalwart Cameron Ling in line to break the record for playing in the most consecutive matches (having missed the Cats' Round 21 slipup against Port last year). However the Dockers stunned all and sundry by bursting out of the blocks to establish a 39 point lead in the second quarter, only to surrend all but 2 points of it by halftime. Even more amazingly the Dockers then shot away again, establishing a 25 point lead at three quarter time. But the Cats then demonstrated why so many think they'll go back to back in '07, piling on five unanswered goals before Dockers' skipper Pavlich got one back. The Pav then had a chance to steal the game for Freo but rattled the woodwork, resulting in a win by the closest of margins for the Cats. Controversy followed after the match with the revelation that the timekeepers had lost 11 seconds- pretty crucial in such a tight match.
The round continued the next day with Carlton's brief and altogether unfamiliar winning run coming to an end against Adelaide. Port continued to put their season back on track after a shaky start by accounting for St Kilda; while the Bulldogs thrashed the teetering Eagles to remain undefeated. The big story from this match was Daniel Kerr, the sole remaining member of the great Eagles' triumverate (Cousins, Judd and Kerr), copping a suspension for headbutting.
The hapless Demons faced mission impossible up at the Gabba against Brisbane, and so it proved- the Lions up by 52 points with Daniel Bradshaw booting six. Bradshaw has two chief rivals for the Coleman Medal this year, the Hawks' star Lance "Buddy" Franklin and the Urinator from Carlton. Both of the latter managed only a single goal in Round Six, with Franklin's radar being right off against Richmond (a not uncommon complaint). Despite the best efforts of ageing Tiger cult hero Matthew Richardson the Hawks were able to squeeze out a narrow victory and along with the Cats are ladder leaders after Round Six.
By far the most controversial result of the round came at Telstra Dome on Sunday afternoon, where the Swans were the visitors and North Melbourne the hosts. Correctly predicting that the Swans would have taken back the flooding tactics used so successfully by the Chinese some days earlier, and that the game would be an absolute snorefest, I did something else until the last five minutes of the match. Switching it on I was vindicated in this policy, with the scoreboard demonstrating that the two sides had managed a pitiful 60-odd points each in perfect conditions (ie. under a closed roof). After doing their best to bore each other into submission for three and three quarter quarters, however, all hell broke loose in the last few minutes. First the Swans thought they had the game won with a snap that may or may not have been touched across the line, the goal umpire ruled that it was a point and scores were all tied up. As they were when the siren sounded moments later, prompting wild celebrations from a couple of North players who believed they were ahead for some reason despite all evidence being to the contrary, including on the numerous scoreboards located around the ground. The second straight Sunday arvo draw, following the Bulldogs-Tigers' tie the previous week. However once more there was controversy to follow, with it emerging that the Swans had had 19 players on the ground for a period of time towards the end of the match. Rather than being stripped of their match points, as many thought they should be, Sydney escaped with a fine. It is clear that the system needs reviewing though. North were furious at the suggestion that their skipper should have called for a player count, not an easy thing to do in the final stages of a match with scores level. The last time that kind of thing happened was in a Dockers-Saints match some time back, the count was correct and the bloke who called for it looked like a right dill.
So much excitement from another thrilling round, already it's clear that the top three sides (Cats, Hawks and Bulldogs) are likely to claim three of the prized top four spots. Who is going to emerge to take the other one? Have the Demons ensured the number one draft pick already or can one of the WA teams beat them to it? What happened to those missing 11 seconds? Find out next week right here at Wrap central- where the footy reporting is belated, but better.

Round Five: An Opportunity for Goat Slaughter

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the Victorian Football League (VFL) comprised of just eight teams. Two more joined in 1908, although one (University) fell over very quickly and is now little remembered (although the actual University itself is still standing). 1925 saw three more teams come on board, after which the VFL enjoyed stability for more than half a century. 12 teams, all in or around the greater Melbourne area, all matches on a Saturday afternoon leaving Sunday free for the wingless thuggery of the VFA. Then came the 1980s and everything changed. South Melbourne headed north to Sydney, where the twin atrocities of Warwick Capper's shorts and Dr Geoffrey Edelstein's pink helicopter must have appalled long time supporters of the old Bloods. Only a few years later the West Coast Eagles and Brisbane Bears came in simultaneously, bringing to the competition two truly garish jumpers, awful club songs and a much greater risk to all involved in the playing, coaching and covering of their matches of contracting deep vein thrombosis.
Come the '90s, come the Crows, Dockers, Power and the all-new Lions, out with the old Roys and Bears. Stability at last. Believe it or not we have had an unchanged line-up of teams now since 1997- that's 12 straight seasons! All together too good a situation to last. The AFL announced at the start of this season that it intended to boost team numbers even further by expanding into the Gold Coast and Western Sydney, two regions not traditionally known for their support of the great game. While the announcement caused general consternation amongst existing AFL clubs, concerned over issues such as player lists and draws, it caused general apoplexy down in Tasmania. The Apple Isle's Premier Paul Lennon stood together with his frontbenchers George McCartney, John Starr and Ringo Harrison and angrily declaimed the AFL for proposing an expansion that would yet again deny Tasmania, a traditional football state, the right to have their own team. Personally I'd like to see a Tasmanian team competing in the AFL. Presumably their nickname would be the Devils, which would lead to a fantastic fixture at least once a season when they took on the Demons. The fans would be slaughtering goats in the stands before the game and playing the club song backwards to follow. Now there's a fixture perfect for Rivalry Round!
But sadly the AFL seems set on excluding the Tasmanians and pushing ahead with its move into the hitherto unfriendly northern outposts. One immediate problem they are facing is that their contract with the Queensland Government necessitates the Gabba (in Brisbane) being the primary venue for AFL matches up north. Ironic, really, back in the '80s we had a team called Brisbane which played all of its home games on the Gold Coast, now the reverse might be the case. But the bigger issue is what on earth are we going to call the new teams? Given that the last two entrants into the AFL have gone with the Dockers and the Power we are already plumbing the depths of team names. Given some of the shockers that the Indian Premier League and the National Netball League have come up with (of which the Knight Riders and the Tactix must surely be the most mindboggling) can we dare hope that the new teams won't be immediately stillborn through the imposition of a fatal moniker? Probably not, which is why I'm proposing that the new Gold Coast team should spring into life as the Gold Coast Muriels. I say this because they're pretty much guaranteed to be both flashy and terrible. On a similar note I'd like the other team to be called the West Sydney Poidas, in tribute to Eric Bana's memorable bogan who will surely be representative of their fan base. Anyone got a better suggestion?
This is what happens when you get behind on writing a blog, you end up writing pretty much any old nonsense. Let's get to the results of Round Five before it gets any worse. This was a round that only contained one great shock- a draw between the Bulldogs and the Tigers. The Dogs pretty much got out of jail free after being 19 points down with only a couple of minutes to go, it was a brave effort to tie it all up. In other matches the Saints put Essendon away without much fuss; Sydney ran Geelong close for three quarters before being blown away in the last; Adelaide beat Freo in a low-scoring affair; Lance "Buddy" Franklin booted 8 as the Hawks kept their unbeaten run going away to Brisbane; Carlton made it two on the trot for the first time in years by extending Melbourne's misery; Port finally opened their account with a surprisingly comfortable away win in Perth against West Coast; and North pulled a rabbit out of the hat by beating Collingwood in a belter of a match on the Saturday night. Like the Tigers the following day, the Pies looked to have wrapped up the game but a series of clangers ( a 45 degree centre bounce by the umpire into the arms of a charging Roo; a miss from 25 metres out by established villain Alan Didak) led to the playing of the jauntiest of club songs when the siren finally sounded.
I'm not sure I've really done the AFL's expansion plans much justice in this wrap, perhaps we'll return to the topic in weeks to come. In the meantime cast your mind to better monikers for the expansion teams, and be kind to your goats. See you back here for Round 6.

Round Four: The Punch Heard Round the World

Picture the scene my friends- a cold weekend night in Sydney, all is as it should be until WHAM! An inexplicably foolish act leads to sirens, general consternation, and condemnation from all quarters. In the middle of it all is one sorry individual standing aghast wondering what just happened, and contemplating the consequences of one second of madness. Yes, that was the scene at the Waldorf Hotel in South Sydney on Friday night when yours truly managed to set off a smoke alarm which caused a hotel evacuation, after an ill-advised attempt to light a coal on a hotplate in order to fire up a balcony shisha. My compliments again to the NSW Fire Service for their rapid response, and my profound thanks to the hotel management for not passing on the call out fee.

Luckily for me my stuff-up was completely overshadowed the following night out at Homebush where big Swan Barry Hall, a trained boxer and frequent visitor to the tribunal, shocked the footy world by delivering a behind the play king hit to young Eagles defender Brent Staker. The whole incident was captured by the TV cameras. Although by now surely everyone has seen the footage perhaps you're reading this from a remote location such as Maputo or Accra and haven't seen it yet, here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBKmzqrofrU Needless to say, there was a big outcry after such a cheap shot. It's true that Australian Rules football is a very physical game, and this physicality is a huge part of its appeal. But the AFL has taken pains in recent years to emphasise the difference between hard physical play and outright thuggery, and Hall's punch definitely fitted into the latter category. Staker's parents were furious, branding Hall a "weak mongrel" and calling for him to be banned for the season. Hall's father perhaps unwisely returned fire by blaming Staker for the incident. Barry Hall subsequently managed to rub himself out for a couple of months later in the game by breaking his wrist on a shonkily assembled advertising hoarding. At the tribunal Hall received a seven week suspension, including a 25% reduction for pleading guilty- thanks for that! At least this time, unlike his outrageous 2005 Preliminary Final appearance when he got off a striking charge scot-free, nobody was arguing that Hall was engaged in the play at the time of the incident.

So that was the big story from Round 4, but there were plenty of other points of interest. Once we were all allowed back into the hotel on Friday night I was able to enjoy, with shisha in hand (and doors and windows firmly closed) the Bulldogs-Essendon encounter. The Dogs started well out of the blocks, but the injury-depleted Dons staged a great fightback and held a slender lead at three quarter time. Unfortunately it was all one way traffic in the final term as the Dogs ran away with it, but the Bombers were certainly not disgraced and continue to provide great entertainment through their midfield pace. The first Saturday afternoon game was a very disappointing affair for Demons' supporters who, after the previous week's encouraging performance at Geelong, would have expected better things from their team against North Melbourne. North were untroubled in taking the points against the Dees. In the second, Geelong showed just how difficult they are going to be to defeat this season by giving St Kilda a start, then bombarding them into submission with goal after goal. There were two night matches, in the first Sydney overcame the shock of seeing Barry Hall lose his head (and Staker nearly lose his) to easily defeat the Eagles, who at this stage of the season are really missing departed guns Cousins and Judd. Over in Adelaide it was an extraordinary encounter between Port and Brisbane in the 2004 Grand Final replay. The Power were absolutely cruising to victory approaching three quarter time, holding a 47 point lead and with rain falling. Then the Lions ran amok, kicking the last two goals of the quarter and adding a further 9 goals to 2 in the last to record a most unlikely 20 point victory. Perhaps the Power were shellshocked by the sight of Brisbane's truly awful away jumper, second only to Hawthorn's in terms of garishness, although the Power themselves are no strangers to appalling guernsey choices. In any case they are in a bit of trouble at 0-4, a win here would have been very handy indeed.
The Sunday matches were a very mixed bag. Down in Tasmania the Hawks demonstrated that they are the team most likely to challenge the Cats in 2008 by easily dispensing with the Crows. Over in the west a ton of gamblers lost the shirts of their backs as Richmond recorded the unfathomablenest of 64 point victories over the hapless Dockers, the Tigers' first win at Subiaco since their last final year in 2001. Cult hero Matthew Richardson was the hero for the Tiges, kicking 4 goals from the wing. Freo's 2008 is already looking very shaky. But the big story of the afternoon was Carlton finally remembering how to win just in time to avoid their longest every losing streak, and to the joy of their fans doing it against their hated rivals Collingwood. The Urinator Fevola kicked 7 in a 23 point victory in front of a big MCG crowd of 77,873, many of whom sung the club song long and loud following the final siren. The Magpies will be filthy to have let this one slip, it would have been pencilled in as a likely victory for sure. And one can only imagine the reaction behind closed doors of the Pies supremo Eddie McGuire, he won't have enjoyed that performance one little bit.
So a bumper round of footy has demonstrated that droughts can be broken, huge margins can be overcome, king-hits are now taboo, and smoke alarms should be treated with due care and respect. The ladder is starting to take a discernable form, there's still three teams yet to taste the bitter pill of defeat, but for the two yet to open their 2008 account this weekend coming will be absolutely crucial. As always you'll get the best if occasionally belated wrap up right here, see you next week.

Round Three: Jimmy Crack Corn

Something of a rarity in the lead up to Round Three- the eyes of the footy world were glued firmly on the ABC. The national broadcaster hasn't been the focus of the VFL/AFL since, I believe, the 1987 season when for reasons long since lost in the mists of time Channel Seven lost the broadcast rights for one year and Aunty did her best to substitute. It wasn't a tremendous success at the time. For example, the ABC couldn't get it together to ensure that there were cameras at all grounds, so plenty of great marks and goals were lost to posterity. At the end of the season the rights went straight back to Channel Seven to the general relief of all.
But this week it was Enough Rope with Andrew Denton, featuring the one time king of football Wayne Carey, that commanded attention. Most TV shows featuring footballers are exercises in buffoonery and gags in bad taste- cough The Footy Show cough. This, however, was something very different indeed. Carey's off-field life has been a train wreck for many years, but in latter times the train has veered right off the rails and gone thundering through crowded shopping malls scattering screaming crowds in its path. The only bright side in the whole depressing saga is that unlike the similar travails of Carey's compatriot Gary Ablett Sr- possibly the only other person who could lay a claim to being as good on the field as Carey in the recent era- nobody has yet died as a result of partying with Carey. Denton's interview with Carey was difficult viewing. It's clear that Carey had a shocking childhood and is now really struggling in post-footy life. Even in his playing days Carey was a figure who inspired extreme reactions, it's doubtful that his performance on Enough Rope has converted too many into seeing him as a good bloke. However there might be a bit more sympathy for him as a flawed human being with a lot of demons to battle. Without wanting to make light of Carey's situation, it's clear that he has an issue with partying in general- in particular knowing when to leave. I'd like to take this opportunity to help him out by referring him to the indispensable 1950s educational video "What Makes A Good Party"- this clearly indicates that it's all over once the guest sits at the piano and leads everyone in a rousing singalong of "Jimmy Crack Corn". Right after the hat making contest. Enjoy it here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nvivEqxjsI.
To the footy- Round 3 was Rivalry Round, the AFL's annual attempt to cash in on the genuine rivalries and to attempt to convince the supporters of various other teams that they have a deep seated reason for disliking another beyond standing in the way of the acquisition of the four points. Take, for example, St Kilda and the Western Bulldogs. What's their rivalry about, which team's single premiership was more iconic? Which club is the "second team" of more Victorian supporters? It smacks a bit of the Onion's parody headline about a war between Uruguay and Paraguay over which country was "guay-er". Despite the fairly dubious nature of their "rivalry", the two sides did turn on a cracker to open Round 3. The Saints shot away to a six goal quarter time lead and all looked dire for the Doggies. But the game turned 180 degrees in the next three quarters as the Bullies exploded into action and blasted 18 goals to the Saints' 6 to run away with a most unlikely 38 point win. St Kilda's capitulation sparked gloomy predictions that their season was all but over- possibly a bit premature in Round 3. We'll see how they bounce back next week.
The Saturday arvo saw the Wrap engaged on a cycling tour around various capital venues interspersed with various sporting pursuits and beer drinking as part of the pre-wedding celebrations of a good buddy of the Hawks pursuasion. While I excelled at the cycling and beer drinking, my lawn bowls were ordinary, my petanque left a lot to be decided, I was less than successful on the foosball table and the less said about ultimate frisbee the better. Still, much fun was had by all and the icing on the cake for the groom-to-be came with the announcement that after trailing all day the Hawks had come home with a wet sail to overhaul North Melbourne. Apparently Hawthorn led for only nine minutes of the entire match, but they were ahead when the bell rang and that's all that matters. They're looking pretty good at this early stage of the season, are Hawthorn.
Over in the west it was the latest installment of the Western Rollerderby, a game that represents a genuine rivalry in anyone's book. Freo scored a much needed win over the Eagles in a typically tough encounter. Up in Brisbane it was a match between the northern outpost clubs Brisbane and Sydney, both of whom will face state rivals in coming seasons- more on that in future weeks. The Swans have had the wood over the Lions in recent years and were able to extend their run of wins in this fixture.
The most eagerly anticipated Saturday fixture was on at the MCG, where Essendon and Carlton, the two clubs most successful in premiership terms but now both definitely in rebuilding mode wrote another chapter in their own recent rivalry. A lot went right for Carlton on the night. The Urinator kicked eight goals. The Juddernaught had his best game in a blue (or white) jumper. Their latest number 1 draft pick Matthew Kreuzer played one of the best debut games in recent memory. And they kicked a pretty respectable 21 goals for the night. Despite all that, it was the jaunty notes of "See the Bombers Fly Up" that rang through the night air at the conclusion of a modern day classic, the Dons saluting by 16 points. At 150 points to 134, this was one of the highest scoring matches since the 1972 Grand Final between the Blues and Richmond, when both teams abandoned defence for all out attack. There were no less than 25 individual goalkickers and no shortage of highlights for the end of season video. Bombers speedster Andrew Lovett provided two blinding goals in his first match back from internally-imposed suspension, you won't see too many better in 2008: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjMyb6mR0zU. Carlton have now equaled their longest losing streak of 13 games which dates back to the horse and cart era, perhaps all of that tanking last year has contributed to a club mindset that no longer knows how to win?
Luckily for the Blues, the Demons are also in a fairly decrepit state just at the moment. They faced the daunting prospect on the Sunday of taking on the rampant Cats at Kardinia Park on the same afternoon that Geelong unfurled its 2007 AFL and VFL premiership flags. Given that the Dees had lost its opening two matches by a combined total of 199 points and the Cats had produced a near perfect performance the previous week against Essendon, it was no surprise that the odds being offered on a Melbourne win were the longest in history. One punter allegedly put $100,000 on Geelong to win back just $4000. He would have been gulping nervously halfway through the opening quarter as the Demons stormed out of the blocks to kick the opening three goals. Perhaps the Cats were still to warm up after standing in the cold for half an hour waiting for skydivers to descend with the premiership flags. Once they did get going they were able to dispense of the Melbourne challenge without any real problems, but for Dees fans it was a Dee-cidedly improved performance on the unDee-niably lamentable efforts in the previous two weeks. Although the game never hit any real heights the Cats fans were justifiably excited by the performance of young gun Tom Hawkins- the Tomahawk is only 19 and still developing but he is going to be an absolute superstar in future years. Seeing the crowd's excitement when he marked was reminiscent of watching Matthew Lloyd in his early days- the future there plain to see.
Over at the MCG it was the Tiges versus the Pies, two very big clubs but again without any real rivalry to speak of outside the 1980 Grand Final (and you won't find too many Collingwood fans who wish to speak of that dark day). No such problems for the Carringbush in this match though, they were never troubled and took the four points without breaking a sweat. Round Three was concluded over the border with a brutal Showdown encounter, the Crows triumphed by a kick over the Power as players went down like ninepins. Port join the hapless Blues and Demons at the bottom of the table, winless after three rounds. The Crows are gathering momentum for another possible finals tilt.
So after three rounds the ladder is divided nicely into semi-equal castes: three unbeaten teams, five with two wins, five with one win and three yet to trouble the scorers. Can the Untouchables at the bottom trouble the Brahmins at the top? Can Carlton recall how to win or is an unwelcome record on its way to Princes Park? Will that Geelong punter be game enough to place another bet this season? Find out the answers to these and more right here at the Wrap, see you next week.

Round Two: A Long Week of Unnecessary White Jumpers

A week is a long time in footy, goes the adage. But how long is a week? In Round Two, Geelong and Richmond had very long weeks indeed- ten whole days. Essendon and North Melbourne, on the other hand, found themselves fronting up for their second outing of the season after a mere six days off. But was the longer break of any advantage? Well, we'll get to that. Round Two can be summarised in one word- shellackings. With a few honourable exceptions it was one drubbing after another, leaving some teams and their supporters gleefully ascendent and others glumly contemplating the long cold winter ahead- although with the silver lining of a possible number 1 draft pick to ease the pain.
Before we get into all things football I'd like to offer an apology to all those who felt that I defamed young Magpie Sharrod Wellingham last week on the grounds that he had a ridiculous made-up first name. Particular apologies to my dear friends Shodney, Grillip and Brimothy. Also to all those who advised me that "Jarryd" is an incorrect spelling of that particular moniker- thanks for putting me right on that one, Jarrod. Also cheers to you, Jared, and you too Jharreid.
The opening game of Round 2 was the exception to the shellackings rule, with the travelling Magpies somehow falling short by just 2 points against the Brisbane Lions after looking home and hosed at three quarter time. There was much muttering amongst the black and white army about the umpiring performance in the final quarter, with the Magpie faithful's general consensus being that the men in tangerine had taken steps in the final stanza to equal a hitherto lopsided freekick count. Both of the Saturday afternoon games, however, were anything but close encounters. At the MCG the Bulldogs continued the Demons' horrific start to 2008 with a 95 point annihilation- Dee-ja vu for the Redlegs supporters, another Dee-bacle of a performance which will have severely Dee-moralised all involved. A particularly tough debut to the coaching ranks for Dee-n Bailey, who must be wondering what he's let himself in for. At AAMI stadium the Crows ended their recent run of outs against the West Coast Eagles, doing it easily to the tune of 76 points. The Eagles' Western Australian compatriots Freo also went down in Round 2, with the valiant Hawks getting home in a close one. This game was most notable for Hawthorn's mystifying decision to wear their all white away strip- given that they are quite possibly the only team in the competition whose normal jumper doesn't clash with the Dockers' technicolour yawn of a guernsey, the logic to this one was not immediately apparent.
Another side taking to the field in an all-white jumper for no good reason was the confusingly monikered Navy Blues, whose run of losses extended to thirteen as they went down to St Kilda at the Dome. The Blues are evidently finding it difficult to shake last year's game plan, as they shot away to an early lead before easing off and allowing the Saints to run away with the points. The Saints, mercifully, were slightly more entertaining than their diabolical performance the previous week. So too were their Round One opponents Sydney, who were evidently stung by the universal criticism that greeted their borefest the previous week and were completely unrecognisable against the Power. Gone was the error-filled chipping and flooding, replaced with an attacking purposeful style of play which wiped Port off the SCG. The hypothetical eight year old from last week would have been inspired, ripping his Waratahs posters from his bedroom wall and demanding a red and white mini-football to kick around the lounge room to annoy his sister with in the middle of Great Celebrity Dance-off or whatever it's called. A terrible start to Port Adelaide's 2008 quest for redemption though, two straight defeats to open with and a very ordinary percentage to boot.
And so to the match of the round, the reigning premiers Geelong against last week's excitement machines Essendon. And once more speed and skill was very much in evidence. Unfortunately for the Dons faithful those demonstrating speed and skill in Round Two were exclusively wearing blue and white hoops. It was all Geelong as they demonstrated quite firmly that a good win in Round One does not a premier make. The only real bright spot for the Bombers was that they at least kept the final margin within 100 points, only just though, they lost by 99. There was at least one muttered "Knights...whadda bum!" from the notoriously fickle Bombers supporters but most were philosophical. Geelong are a pretty damn good team, particularly when they're coming off a ten day to six break!
The ten day break was of no assistance though to the Tigers, who fell short against the resurgent North Melbourne. Tigers' coach Terry Wallace put the Kangeroos' vastly improved performance down to the short break, arguing that the Roos had copped so much criticism after capitulating to the Bombers that their win was a fait accompli. Surely, by that logic, they would have done even better if they'd copped criticism for the extra four days? In any case, a 41 point win by the Northerners resulted and their 2008 campaign is now under way after a misfire in Round One.
So with two rounds now played it's the Cats, Saints, Bulldogs and Hawks leading the way, ahead of a logjam of clubs and the winless Blues, Power, Dockers and below all the Demons still to open their accounts. But there's still 20 rounds to play and as we've seen a week can be a very long time in football. See you back here for Round Three.

Round One: The Mystery of the AFL Time/Space Vortex

Anyone who spent weeks last September wondering why after going to the trouble of writing up every round of the 2007 AFL season I would choose to ignore the finals will be well aware that timing is not the Wrap's strong point. After a largely uneventful off-season which offered no shortage of spare time for an array of passtime pursuits, the dawning of season 2008 saw my work life explode into activity, presenting little time for any extracurricular activity beyond the occasional teethbrushing and change of socks. So it was with great regret that I had to shelve plans for a giant wrap up of the many headlines that the AFL had produced over the offseason. No time to write up Ben Cousins' amazing career implosion involving a shirtless arrest, a media frenzy as he vanished into the Los Angeles underground A-Team style and then later appeared alongside loudmouthed boxer Anthony Mundine in a scarely convincing "Sportsmen Against Drugs" event- such is life. No opportunity either to explore the mad bad world of the ex-champion but now universally reviled figure of Wayne Carey- a shame, as I had wanted to put forward the theory that lamentable womens' mag New Idea had approached Carey for a tell all interview with the plan of kidnapping him when he turned up, then sending him off to Afghanistan to take the place of Prince Harry, thereby winning back for the disgraced mag some credit with the British Royal Family. Not even time to discuss the biggest question emenating from Magpie rookie Sharrod Wellingham's disastrous drinkdriving arrest which cost Collingwood half a million dollars in sponsorship from the Transport Accident Commission- why is he called "Sharrod"?!! You can't just combine "Sharon" and "Jarryd" and call it a name! And alas, I was "caught short" in attempts to put to print a response to the nocturnal toiletary exploits of longtime buffoon Brendan Fevola from Carlton or Tiger skipper Kane Johnson- I was a tad "pissed off" about that but, mercifully, neither I nor the players concerned were "browned off".
No, by the time I got the chance to sit down and think about anything to do with footy Round One had already arrived. Much to my surprise this year we are celebrating 150 years of Australian Rules Football- surprising as I seem to recall just over a decade ago we were marking a century of the same game. Evidently the AFL is operating in a time/space vortex different to the rest of planet Earth. Still, it's great that the footy's back on again, let's review Round One.
With Easter coming far earlier in 2008 than in any year I can remember (perhaps it too is subject to the time/space laws of the AFL) Round One kicked off on a Thursday night with a big doubleheader event across two states. And there was excellent news for Power fans over in South Australia, where the Port Adelaide side demonstrated an amazing 110 point improvement since its last game. If Port can keep up this rate of improvement they'll win the 2008 Grand Final by...approximately 2400 points. Unfortunately even such a turnaround wasn't enough to get past their 2007 conquerers Geelong, whose premiership defence kicked off with a 9 point victory. The build up to the other game, between 2007 cellar dwellers Carlton and Richmond, had featured almost exclusively on the move to the Blues of champion Eagles skipper Chris Judd. "Juddernaught", "Bigger Than Barassi" and "Juddy Hell" screamed the headlines, while the articles below focused on how this latter day second coming (combined with a small army of Number 1 draft picks) was going to propel the Blues up the ladder after years of lowly finishes, starting with Round One. Sadly for the Blues the Tigers, just as they did in the Sheedy/Hird tribute game in 2007, had failed to realise that their designated role in the whole affair was to come in second and instead took the points.
Saturday saw an interesting contest between the youthful exuberance of Collingwood, who had come oh so close to a Grand Final in 2007, and the ageing Dockers of Fremantle. Freo in 2008 resembles a Windy Hill retirement home, in much the same way as Essendon itself in recent years has operated as a Benevolent Home for Elderly Blues and the Roos for a time were completely enamoured of anything at all from Glenferrie with a couple of miles on the clock. In the event youth had its fling and the Magpies finished ahead of their purple foes.
Another interstate doubleheader on Saturday night. In the West the Eagles, whose playing personnel have no doubt been read the riot act by every club and state government official from the Premier to the bootstrapper after their scandalous 2007, opened their 2008 campaign with a win over the Brisbane Lions. At the Dome it was the preseason cup winners St Kilda hosting the Sydney Swans. These two sides have played some absolute shockers in recent years, and this match was no exception. Unfortunately those of us based in non-traditional AFL states or territories are subjected to live telecasts of every last Swans game- what the AFL doesn't realise is that any hypothetical 8 year old forced by well meaning but tragically misguided parents to sit through their low scoring, defensive flooding, error ridden appearances is highly likely to demand a membership to the Waratahs, Raiders or Mariners as soon as their next birthday comes around. As three quarter time approached and neither side had scored a goal in nearly a quarter of play I could take no more and switched over to Galaxy Quest on a competing channel. I'm sure I wasn't the only one. The paper the next day informed me that the Saints had gotten up. Whoopee.
Two matches in Victoria with vastly different outcomes on Easter Sunday, neither of which got a run on the box. At the MCG the Hawks delivered the mother of all beltings to the hapless Demons, leading to a run of headlines along the lines of "Dee-saster!", "Dee-abolical" and "Dee-rie Me, What a Shocker!" Across town it was a very different story, with the Western Bulldogs celebrating their skipper and favourite son Brad Johnson's 300th game with a stirring three point victory over the Adelaide Crows. The ever-grinning and eminently-likeable Johnson himself was the hero, with three last quarter goals getting his side across the line.
The final game for the Easter weekend took place on Monday between Essendon and the Roos. Both teams had been the subject of much interest in the off-season: the Bombers after finally biting the bullet and farewelling coaching legend Kevin Sheedy after 27 seasons; the Roos after they had finally bitten the bullet and decided that their future lay in Victoria. After unsuccessful experiments with playing the odd home game in Sydney (as the Harbouroos), in Canberra (the Canberroos) and the Gold Coast (the Cararraroos), the Roos decided in the off season to turn down a gazillion dollar offer from the AFL to up stakes and move to Queensland permanently (like any number of once-loved but now expendible Neighbours characters) and instead announced that from here on in they would go by the moniker of North Melbourne, dammit! And they started 2008 in spectacular fashion, racing away from the Bombers in the early stages to open up a 27 point lead early in the second quarter. With Dons champion Scott Lucas carried off with a knee injury it all looked grim for the black and red army- whither Sheeds? But then it all turned on its head. As the youthful Bomber midfield fleet demonstrated an astounding combination of speed and skill North Melbourne visibly wilted, and much to the ecstacy of many a Don fan raced away to record a stunning 55 point victory. It was a belter to watch- you could take any random five minutes of the match and find more highlights than the entire Saints-Swans shocker had to offer. Given that speed and skill have been somewhat unknown quantities at Essendon for many years (anyone attending the 2006/7 Anzac Day debacles will know what I mean), there was little surprise that the question being asked after the game had gone (fairly or not) from "Whither Sheeds?" to "Sheedy Who?"
And so footy has returned in all its glory for another year when many such questions will be asked, some will be answered and all too many players will find ever new ways to appear in the headlines for reasons unrelated to speed and skill. Return to this web address in weeks ahead as we examine the events of each round and try to make sense of it all. Hope your team was on the winner's list in Round One- footy's back!

The Finals: Better Late Than Never

Well, I had a lovely holiday in Vietnam. Thank you for asking. Many, many highlights, as we wound our way up from the Delta to the north. I learned a great deal about the history and culture of the place and enjoyed it all very much, but Vietnam did let me down in one key regard- I was completely unable to access this website for the entire three weeks. Why my site was banned, I don't know. Perhaps I wrote something disparaging about Ho Chi Minh in an earlier post. In any case, apologies to those who have been on tenterhooks for weeks now waiting to find out who won the Grand Final (although I severely hope and pray that nobody is using this site as their only source of AFL-related information). I will now try and recreate the thrilling final three weeks of the 2007 AFL season.

Week two of the finals saw two very different encounters, fortunately I was still in Australia and able to witness both. Collingwood had perhaps the most difficult road trip of all to navigate, away to West Coast, but went over to the west chock full of confidence after their victory over Sydney the previous week. And what a belter of a game ensued. Both sides went at it hammer and tongs and when the final siren sounded scores were, for an incredible fourth time in 2007, dead level. These two sides played a finals draw in the 1990 season too, back then there was no extra time rule in finals and they had to come back the next week for a replay. This remains the source of much bitterness amongst Bombers supporters as it indirectly ended up costing Essendon the 1990 premiership. The Dons had finished atop the table and, under the old final five system, had the first week of the finals off. Canny Bombers coach Kevin Sheedy had sought to take full advantage of the break by resting several key but injury-carrying players for Round 22, thus giving them two weeks off to recover. Unfortunately having three weeks off due to the Collingwood-West Coast replay resulted in them being hopelessly out of condition and Essendon was duly smashed by the Magpies in the Second Semi Final, a result from which they never recovered. The Pies went on to take a long awaited flag, much to the disappointment of the rest of the competition who had been hoping with a due sense of schaudenfraude for the next chapter in the illustrious history of the Collywobbles. No such problems for the 2007 Magpies, they had all of the play in extra time and recorded a glorious away win to earn a spot in the Preliminary Final. President Eddie McGuire was thrilled but in control of his interview with Channel Seven after the game, managing to plug quite a few Channel Nine shows in the process ("Our odds of winning this one were 1oo to 1! And you can catch '100 to 1' the game show on Channel Nine at...") etc. etc. McGuire revealed that the triumphant Pies would be ferried back to Victoria on board a specially booked plane which would fly at low altitude all the way, allowing for recovery procedures to take place on board and with the added bonus of causing sonic booms over Adelaide. For the Eagles, though, the dream of back to back flags went very sour indeed in 2007. By all accounts coach John Worsfold lambasted his players in rare style, blasting them for the seemingly unending series of off-field activities and headlines that had distracted from the core business of winning footy matches. Ex-skipper Ben Cousins was one who reportedly copped it with both barrels from his own ex-captain. And in the weeks following it has gotten even worse for the Eagles- first, current skipper and arguably the best player in the competition Chris Judd decided he'd be happier back in Victoria and will line up next season in the navy blue of Carlton. Then, far more seriously, 1990s premiership hero and favourite son Chris Mainwaring died after what was by all accounts a drug-related binge. It will be a long tough off-season of soul-searching over in the West one would think.

The second match was the encounter between the Roos and the Hawks, and many thought that after the two sides' respective results the previous week a Hawthorn win was on the cards. It wasn't to be though, the Shinboners were able to make all the running while Lance Franklin was unable to repeat his heroics of seven days earlier. Hawthorn never really looked like it and bowed out of the finals in somewhat disappointing fashion. However they will look back with great pride on their 2007 season, the first time they've been in the finals since 2001. If Franklin can gain some consistency a la Jonathan Brown he could well be the next superstar of the competition. Plenty to look forward to in 2008 for Hawk fans.

I watched the Roos-Hawks match from the salubrious surrounds of the somewhat Stalinist looking Formule 1 hotel at Sydney Airport, and the next day jetted off to the City Formerly Known As Saigon. There I met my tour group, which included not only a lady named Di married to a man named Charles but a couple hilariously going by the names of Glen and Glenda. Fans of the so-bad-they're-good movies of legendary '50s director Ed Wood will know why I found that so funny, if not find out here- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0045826/. After a lengthy day of sightseeing in the former South Vietnamese capital I wandered into a bar named the Blue Gecko, which was proudly advertising a Grand Final brunch affair blessed with the presence of ex-Eagles premiership hero Peter "Like A Cork In The Ocean!" Wilson. Sounded good, but unfortunately our tour was headed north to the beaches of Nha Trang. Here I was very confident of being able to see the eagerly awaited Geelong-Collingwood Preliminary Final, given the high number of Aussie dive instructors present and the existence, according to my bootleg Lonely Planet, of a sports bar called the Kangaroo. However I wandered the streets for some time searching in vain for said bar before a friendly local drove me at high speed on the back of his bike to a bar which was indeed called the Kangaroo- but which had a distinctly Russian theme, judging by all the Cyrillic script and vodka bottles. So I didn't get to see the game. However I was in good company there, as neither did hundreds of MCC members back in Melbourne. With a massive crowd of 98,000 plus turning up many found themselves turned away, including some who had made the cardinal error of getting a passout in order to have a quick ciggy. There's a good strategy for the Quit people to follow! Those Cats fans who did make it in would have had their hearts in their mouths for most of the match as Geelong looked distinctly nervous after their week off. Any Cats fan who happened to read the most recent Wrap dealing with the 1999 Preliminary Final would have been reaching for their hip flasks when Collingwood hit the front in the final quarter. But thankfully for the sake of the long-suffering denizens of Catland Geelong were able to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat by a mere five points. Sub-editors who had already lined up the headline "Cat-astrophe!" were left disappointed, as were the Magpie army who had come so close to a most unexpected Grand Final appearance. But like Hawthorn, the Pies can be very happy indeed with a season in which they exceeded most people's expectations. The challenge for next season is to go one match better. They will have to do it without the veteran triumvirate of Nathan Buckley, James Clement and Paul Licuria, all of whom hung up the boots at the close of 2007. But the young brigade at Collingwood is the equal of any other side in the competition and will be tough to beat next year.

The other match was a case of deja vu all over again once more for the Carrararoos, who copped their second finals hiding in three weeks, this time at the hands of Port Adelaide. An 87 point whipping was a sad way for Glenn Archer's career to conclude, but his last season has been one in which the Roos have exceeded every expectations. For a team widely tipped to finish in the bottom four if not dead last to come third is a mighty achievement, even if they still do look to be Gold Coast bound due to a chronic lack of supporters. Let's hope that the Northerners are able to bite the bullet and move if they have to rather than taking the Fitzroy route of long term oblivion in Melbourne. For their part the Power were very impressive indeed in their victory, and their fans were rightly thrilled at their speedy return to the big stage after only three seasons away.

So nationwide excitement kicked off as Grand Final week commenced, particularly in Victoria and South Australia. Over in Vietnam, however, our tour had proceeded to the Central Highlands where we were undertaking a 20km trek rather optimistically described on the brochure as "difficult in parts". In reality, with large sections of the track under water, lengthy stretches of ankle deep leech-infested mud to trudge through, the occasional necessity to give way to the local bullock traffic, the potential danger presented by snakes/scorpions/left over punji traps and frequent torrential downpours of monsoonal rain, the trip was a bit of a challenge even for someone in absolute peak physical condition such as myself(!), let alone older folk like Glen or Glenda. Our trip, incidentally, was rated "Explorer", the middle of the three categories. Presumably on the "Comfort" trip you get carried along the track by native bearers; on the "Basix" category they quite possibly employ superannuated Viet Cong guerrillas to pop up and shoot at you occasionally. However despite the trials and tribulations of the trek we all survived and limped into the fairly nondescript town of Ban Me Thout (which sounds like a very strange and possibly disturbing request) eager to check on news of the outside world. Alas, Ban Me Thout is the home of the world's slowest internet- it took me ten minutes to successfully open one web page, which informed me that in an upset result Geelong's Jimmy Bartel had taken the Brownlow from his more fancied teammate Gary Ablett. I was unable to discover if any of the wives or girlfriends had been able to match the fashion atrocities of earlier seasons, grateful if anyone could let me know if they did.

So the Grand Final opponents were decided- for the first time since 2004 it would be 1 versus 2, for the first time since 1997 it would be two sides who had missed the finals the previous year, and for the first time since 2003 a Victorian team would take part. The general consensus amongst pundits was that this was going to be the third consecutive nailbiter of a Grand Final, after all Port had taken the points over the Cats in their last encounter and Geelong did have a fairly tragic recent history in Grand Finals (not to be confused with Port's fairly tragic history in finals in general, see 2001-3). Power coach Mark Williams engaged on a week of mindgames, referring repeatedly to the Cats' failures in the '89, '92, '94 and '95 Grand Finals and suggesting that history might be about to repeat itself. There was also much handwringing down the highway over who should take on the ruck duties against the Power duo of Lade and Brogan- should it be Mark "Blakey" Blake, who had rucked virtually all year but had looked progressively shaky, or should ex-skipper Steven "Salem's Lot" King, who had been in the twos all season but had a lot more experience. In the end coach Bomber Thompson opted for King, causing much Derek Kickett-style disappointment to Blakey who quite possibly expressed his feelings to his coach in the manner of his "On The Buses" namesake- "Oooh, I 'ate you Bomber!". I'm aware that that reference is probably mystifying to absolutely everyone, here's a quick explanation- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_The_Buses.

With the scent of an upset in the air, the Teutonic hordes from our nation's most Germanic state swept across the border for the big day in fleets of Volkswagons, Mercedes-Benzes and Panzer tanks, their lederhosen concealed under copious layers of black, white and teal. The MCG was a picture for the big match with a virtually full house turning up for the big game. The pre-match entertainment was up to its usual standard, this year we had the Ghost of Nicky Webster turning aerobatic circles with the premiership cap while attached to a hot air balloon. Bizarre stuff. But soon enough it was on with the main event as the two teams ran out, a fairly ordinary rendition of the National Anthem was bleated, and the ball was held aloft for the opening siren of Grand Final 2007.

While all this was going on my tour group was en route from the pleasant coastal city of Hoi An to the former imperial capital of Hue. We stopped en route at Danang to see China Beach, former R and R venue for off-duty US armed forces, and also saw the fabulous Marble Mountains, well worth a look if you're ever up that way. Some of us were looking at our watches and doing urgent timezone calculations in our heads as our bus hurtled northwards...

How to describe the demolition that was unfolding back in Melbourne? Well the first five minutes or so were close, and Port even led by a point for a couple of minutes. If they had been able to kick slightly straighter into the forward line, they might have even gotten a goal or two up. All too soon, however, Geelong clicked into gear and a couple of swift goals in succession would have elicited a worried "Ach der Lieben!" from the Port multitude. That would have mutated rapidly into an anguished "Gott in Himmel!!" as the Cats ran amok in the second quarter to go in at half time an almost insurmountable 52 points up. Former disgraced exile Steve Johnson was having a day out in the forward line, defensive general Matthew Scarlett was giving nothing away at the back, "Salem's Lot" was fully justifying his inclusion in the ruck, while the Cats midfield was having a day out. I have it on good authority, however, that the vast majority of Cats supporters maintained a poker face at the long break, determined to "keep a lid on it" lest the massive halftime lead dissolve into the greatest collapse in history. With the AFL making the very sensible decision some years back to abandon the halftime entertainment show, lest we cop a parade of surfboards NRL-style- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voCsJr4fpHc. These days the entertainment consists of the little league kids and the halftime sprint, just like it did in the old days (ie. the 1970s). This year the Richmond bloke won, giving beleaguered Tiges fans something to celebrate after a year in which they finished last yet again but somehow missed out on the consolation of the No. 1 draft pick courtesy of Carlton's tanking.

At this point our tour bus was screaming into Hue, tyres smoking, as the AFL supporters on board urged haste to the nearest restaurant or bar with Australia TV available. And to the credit of our tour leader Thinh, within minutes of arrival we were sitting in Hue's finest pizzaria watching as the teams came out for the second half. And if the Port fans thought things were bad at the long break, they must have been choking on their beer steins in the third quarter as the Cats ran completely amok. Mark Williams' halftime address to the troops obviously failed to hit the right notes as the Power's horrendous error rate continued, with Cat players gleefully swooping on every dropped mark or misdirected handball to bang through yet another major. When the siren sounded for three quarter time the result was in no doubt whatsoever, the sound of the lid coming off could be heard in a 100 mile radius in respective arcs centred around the MCG and Kardinia Park, the margin was the greatest ever at three quarter time in a Grand Final, and the stunned Power fans watching the slaughter with suitably aghast expressions could only hope for a few late consolation goals in the last quarter to make the final margin a little more respectable. But they would have been regurgitating their pie floaters (not that any non-South Australian could possibly tell the difference between the pre- and post-digested forms of that particular culinary abortion) as Geelong refused to show any mercy and instead took their revenge for the decades of frustration, missed opportunity and underachievement by unleashing an Old Testament-style onslaught upon the broken and demoralised opposition. When the dust finally cleared and the siren sounded, the old Grand Final record margin of 96 points had been completely obliterated (much to the joy of the 1988 Melbourne Demons, who would have been cheering every goal) as the Cats were on the right side of an unbelievable 119 point annihilation. Delirium promptly descended on the MCG as tearful ex-players, jubilant supporters and the ecstatic playing and coaching staff of Geelong joined as one to celebrate the breaking of the 44 year premiership drought in the most emphatic manner possible. The Norm Smith Medal deservedly went to Steve Johnson, whose season would make for a very inspirational TV movie of the week if only he was American. Perhaps the Yanks could buy up the rights to his story and adapt it so that he becomes a star quarterback who falls from grace through a drunk and disorderly arrest in, say, Topeka (rather than Wangaratta) and is banished from his team but fights his way back to lead his team to victory in the big game. Nah, nobody would buy that, it's far too corny and unbelievable.

The Cats did themselves proud on the premiership dais too. Perhaps remembering how churlish the Eagles had looked the previous season when many of the players had snubbed the kids presenting them with medals, the Geelong players made a point of giving each of the kids their sponsor's cap (much to the joy of the sponsors no doubt). But only the odd abandoned little hat with feather and half eaten saerkraut was left in the Power section of the ground, while the shellshocked Port players limped off the ground looking like the shattered remnants of the Wehrmacht following the Battle of Stalingrad.

There is no question that Geelong's victory was a very popular one amongst AFL fans of all persuasions. Crows fans had the satisfaction of seeing their hated rival get absolutely creamed and will have no shortage of verbal ammunition for the summer ahead. Demons fans can celebrate their side's removal from the record books of the unwanted title of most uncompetitive Grand Final side ever, while along with fans of the Bulldogs and Saints can take heart in the fact that if Geelong can break their drought perhaps hope is in sight for them too. Magpies supporters will be both proud that they ran the premiers to within a kick after the Cats won their other two finals by over 100 points, and will be thrilled that their 2003 Grand Final performance is no longer the most embarrassing in recent memory. Dons fans can enjoy the achievement of a famous son in Bomber Thompson even if he won't be succeeding the master Kevin Sheedy (Matthew Knights?! What happened to the criteria that the new coach had to have come from a culture of success? He played his whole career with Richmond!) And of course everyone can enjoy the absolute humiliation experienced by the most obnoxious fans in the AFL, even worse than Collingwood, who have been rabbiting on since their admission about being "the most successful club in Australia" courtesy of their 35 premierships in Die Bundesliga across the border- hopefully a 20 goal pounding witnessed worldwide will shut them up for a bit.

So, there we have it. At the end of one of the most eventful seasons on record, both on and off the field, Geelong have won everything not nailed down. We've seen coaching carnage, the ends of eras, a galaxy of great stars retire from the game and some new ones emerge. And big questions remain to be answered in the leadup to 2008. Will the Carrararoos bite the bullet and head north? Can West Coast keep their players out of the magistrates court? How will Melbourne, Fremantle, Carlton and Essendon go with brand new coaches? All those questions and more will no doubt be answered, but you'll have to wait for 2008- season 2007 is officially a wrap.

Thanks to those who've enjoyed the Wrap this season and let me know through comments or email. It's been fun doing it and has given me something to do on Friday afternoons. Cheers especially to the No. 1 Cats supporter Tim for setting up the site which didn't really leave me any option but to do the Wrap (any questions as to why the dog on the tuckerbox is misunderstood should be directed to him, not me). I promise next year that I will not go on holidays while the finals are in progress! See you back here in 2008.