Round 17: Bring me the Heads of the Essendon Board!

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos, and with muffled drum,
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come....

Sorry to get all literary (WH Auden, see Four Weddings and a Funeral) this week, but the sacking of Denis Pagan from Carlton moved me in a way that surprised even myself. So you can imagine my reaction when two days later Kevin Sheedy got the boot from Essendon after 27 years! Like most Bombers fans I went through the full gamut of emotions- anger, disbelief, shock, rage, apoplexy, nostalgia, wrath, grim foreboding, mild gratification (when I opened a letter from the Department of Revenue telling me I had received a $7000 First Home Buyers Grant, not strictly relevant to the Kevin Sheedy issue really) and finally a dull acceptance. Luckily I was in a non-footballing state or territory, down in Melbourne the talkback lines were spontaneously combusting and mobs of enraged red and black partisans were marching on Windy Hill with flaming torches demanding the heads of the Essendon Football Club board on platters. Such sentiments are understandable when you consider that Sheedy had been at the Bombers' helm since 1981- in that time his former club Richmond has been coached by (deep breath)- Tony Jewell, Francis Bourke, Mike Patterson, Paul Sproule, Tony Jewell (again), Kevin Bartlett, Allan Jeans, John Northey, Robert Walls, Jeff Gieschen, Danny Frawley and now Terry Wallace. Many Bombers supporters (myself included) have not known Essendon under any other coach (Barry Davis was the last one, trivia buffs take note), to say nothing of the players who have spent their entire careers under him. Sheedy came to office in 1981, the same year that Ronald Reagan came into the White House, Bucks Fizz won the Eurovision Song Contest for the UK, Prince Charles married Diana, Belize became independent, and Hosni Mubarak became President of Egypt. Only Mubarak has matched Sheedy for staying power (although my personal theory is that an animatronic version of Mubarak has been operating via remote control for some time now) and none of the above can claim to have been anywhere near as successful (Cold War, Shmold War!). Sheedy's amazing on-field record and accomplishments have been well documented- four day premierships from seven Grand Finals, six night flags, a positive win-loss percentage against every other club bar Port Adelaide- but it is his contribution to changing the face of the game from a small parochial suburban competition to a truly national game that will be his lasting memorial (not that he's dead or anything!) People who take the stance that Sheedy was "just a football coach" are missing the point- Denis Pagan was just a football coach (albiet a very, very good one). Sheedy was an icon not just of Essendon or the AFL but of the entire nation. His efforts to promote indigenous players have earned him a place of pride in Aboriginal Australia, while his moves to build up Anzac Day through the annual Essendon-Collingwood match have contributed to the resurgence of interest in the day from its previously moribund state. His departure from the Bombers really is the end of an era. I myself commemorated Sheedy Regicide Day with a sixpack of James Boags and a re-viewing of the last quarter of the 1984 Grand Final, one of my most cherished childhood moments. For an eight year old kid to see his team launch the mother of all comebacks to snatch glory from the side which had traumatised it (and him) 12 months earlier provided evidence that there was after all some justice in life, and sometimes the good guys won. And to think I only learnt this valuable life lesson because Sheedy moved Billy Duckworth and Paul Weston into the forward line! Vale Sheeds, you'll be sadly missed.
Hard now to remember what actually took place on the weekend just gone given the massive events that followed but I'll do my best. My recollections are made even more hazy by the fact that I had a Saturday night out in Sydney of the kind that can only be pieced together in the cold light of the following day by signed witness statements and closed circuit television footage... I was lucky enough to miss Australia's sporting Black Saturday, in which the Wallabies, Socceroos and netballers (do they have a nickname?) all went down like nine-pins. I was also blissfully unaware that over in Perth Brownlow medallist and allegedly reformed crystal methamphetamine addict Ben Cousins was making a stunning return to the game against the Eagles' mighty rivals the Swans. Cousins looked (I am assured) as if he'd never been away as he racked up 38 touches in the Eagles' 12 point win- 12 points being the total accumulated margin for the previous five matches between the two sides. I was aware that the Bombers had gone down earlier in the day to Collingwood but chose to pretend that I wasn't. All too depressing.
The Friday night game provided further evidence that Geelong is a very, very good team in 2007. They steamrolled the Bulldogs in the final quarter, shattering the Doggies' spirit after three quarters of hard slog and doing serious damage to their percentage into the bargain. It's all looking rosy down at Catland just now, although they must be a tad concerned that their coach "Bomber" Thompson is out of contract and there are now four cashed-up clubs looking for a new coach (well, three with cash and Melbourne).
One of those clubs is Fremantle, who gave another ex-Bomber the chance to make his coaching debut away to Adelaide. And he was able to get a most unexpected win first up as the Dockers accounted for tipsters' nightmare side the Crows. All money in the bank in terms of getting a senior job somewhere next year. Demons' interim coach Mark Riley suffered a loss in his match against the Carrararoos who are unbelievably up to second place after being written off by all and sundry pre-season. The only highlight for the Dees was a possible mark of the year to young star Matthew Newton (not to be confused with Bert's woman-bashing son). And up at the Gabba the woefully unsuccessful five year stewardship of Denis Pagan came to an appropriate end with a 117 point belting by the Lions, after which the plug was pulled to the general relief of all. Carlton under Pagan have not improved in the slightest over the five years, unless you count the two Let's Throw the Victorian Clubs a Bone Cups and their infuriating habit of beating Essendon every year. Pagan can take solice in the fact that in future years he will probably be remembered more for his two premierships at North than for his five forgettable years at Princes' Park. After all, not too many people remember the "Messiah Years" at Melbourne when Ron Barassi's coaching career is recalled. Jonathon Brown broke the Brisbane goalkicking record for a single match with a lazy ten.
Two other games rounded out Round 16- Port easily accounted for the hapless Richmond in Tiger legend Matthew Richardson's 250th, the Power moving into the top four. And rapidly rising St Kilda took the points over rapidly declining Hawthorn in the rematch of the Worst Game Ever between the two sides played earlier in the season. Thankfully this match was a far less dire affair, although that's not setting the bar particularly high as the first match was a stinker par excellence.
So a historic week in the annals of AFL history. An era has ended at Essendon, although Sheedy will be staying on until the end of the season (watch us win the premiership now after a late charge!) It has been a rare season for coaching carnage- a quarter of those who started the season are now out of a job. Will there be more to come? Can Ben Cousins stay on the wagon? Will Richmond win again this year? Can anyone beat Geelong? All these questions and more to be answered in weeks to come, here at your one-stop footywrap shop.

Round Fifteen: A brilliant move by the comrades

In recent years there has been much doom and gloom in the Garden State of Victoria over the inept performances of its various footballing outfits. No Vic team has won the premiership since the Bombers' glorious all-conquering performance of 2000; no Vic team has even made the Grand Final since Collingwood's hilariously woeful turn in 2003- the closest thing you'll ever see to a forfeit in a match in which both teams have actually turned up and are out there on the ground at the same time. Last year the Victorians couldn't even get as far as preliminary final weekend- you know you're in trouble when the Fremantle Dockers' season remains alive when your team is off causing merry booze-fuelled mayhem on a post-season jaunt in some underprepared South-East Asian resort. Such haplessness led at the start of the season to suggestions of a football inquest to find the reason why the interstaters were carrying away all the silverware every season (with the dishonourable exception of the preseason "Let's Throw the Victorian Clubs a Bone Cup"). But fifteen rounds in all plans of that nature have been shelved- it's the Vic clubs way out in front and at this stage looking odds-on to break the premiership/ Grand Final appearance duck (although Richmond, Melbourne and Carlton are carrying on the proud tradition of Big V incompetence).

The side leading the charge are of course the Geelong Cats, flagless since 1963 (although they were perennial bridesmaids in the early 1990s). After the disappointment of last season, when they were raging favourites after winning the LTTVCAB cup but didn't make it to September, the Pivotonians have swept all before them this season and are sitting on top by several games and a truckload of percentage courtesy primarily of their usual whipping boys the Richmond Tigers. Excitement down at Sleepy Hollow has reached fever pitch, and we're still in July. The Cats featured in the match of Round 15, a rare Saturday afternoon fixture at the MCG against the similarly resurgent Magpies. This encounter represented the biggest home and away match in Victoria since the Close Enough to Invincible Dons of 2000 took on arch-rivals Carlton. So you can imagine the righteous rage that flew into the hearts of the good denizens of Catland when they turned up at the railway station eager to travel to the capital for the big game only to discover that the transport union had decided to call a train strike for that day! And people say that the unions are out of touch with ordinary people. Brilliant move, comrades, an entire city converted instantly into rabid Thatcherites. If the Howard Government sneaks back into office this year courtesy of a single seat located in the Corio Bay area we'll know who to blame!

Luckily however most of the Feline army made it to the MCG courtesy of a fleet of buses and were thus able to witness their team extend their winning streak to ten games with a narrow but convincing win over the Magpies. They're clearly the team to beat. Hawthorn moved into second place with a straightforward win over the lowly Tigers, while 2007 surprise packet the Carrararoos shot into third with a gritty 2 point away victory over the stuttering Dockers. The defeat proved the deathknell for Freo coach Chris Connolly (as predicted here last week) who called it quits after the loss. Connolly was probably destined to depart the Purple Haze sooner or later given how disappointing the Dockers have been this year, but can blame the dodgy kicking style of defender Scott Thornton for the ultimate Roos defeat- Thornton missed a sitter from 30 metres out with a minute to go which would have put Freo in front. Freo's shocking week culminated with serial fool Jeff Farmer's latest indiscretion- smashing someone's parked car in front of security guards- which could see him drummed out of the club. No wonder Mike the Dockers' fan is off sick today, there's only so much a man can bear!

The weekend commenced well for the Victorian teams, with St Kilda also stealing a 2 point win over interstate opposition in the form of Adelaide. I was lucky enough to catch the end of the match down at the pub, where I had gone with some friends to see Australia's appalling capitulation to Iraq in the soccer. Absolutely abysmal performance, for mine the most embarrassing performance by any sporting outfit representing Australia since our boat sank beneath the waves while racing the Kiwis in the America's Cup. The aftermath of that race series, incidentally, was quite ludicrous- the dejected Australian skipper offered full support and assistance to the slightly incredulous New Zealanders who must have been thinking along the lines of "yeah, thanks a lot mate, I think we'll probably be OK with our unsubmerged boat..." I think from memory the same skipper went on to hail NZ's eventual victory over the Americans as "A great victory for the Pacific Rim!" Talk about clutching at straws! The Saints were very good in their win, a late charge for the finals could well see them sneak into the eight yet. Another Victorian team tipped to do well this year and seemingly coming good at the right time is the Western Bulldogs, who had a straightforward victory over a depleted Essendon. The Bombers have a shocking draw in the final stages and will need to really lift to make the eight. The Dons are due to make a big decision this week as to whether Kevin Sheedy will remain at the helm for his 28th straight season.

It wasn't all bad news for the interstaters, Sydney took the points at home against struggling Carlton who haven't had a win up north since about 1993. Brisbane won "away" at the Gabba against Melbourne- that move to sell home games interstate has really worked out well for the Demons! And Port Adelaide ensured it was a miserable weekend for footy fans in WA of both persuasions by giving West Coast an absolute hiding- 91 points being the Eagles' biggest defeat for many a year. Eagles' star captain Chris Judd (not the one who was briefly married to J-Lo) limped off the field at the end and may need surgery before the finals. Luckily the West Coast have in reserve reformed "ice" addict Ben Cousins who you would expect to see out on the field sooner rather than later.

So now that everyone has played everyone else it is clear that at this stage only a transport strike can stop Geelong; Richmond, Melbourne and Carlton are all useless; and everyone else is still in with a chance of playing finals ("mathematically" in the case of Fremantle and probably Brisbane). Two coaches are gone, more could follow shortly. It's the best of times for some Vic clubs, the worst of times for others. And there's still a third of the season to go. See you back here for Round 16.

Round Fourteen: Living in the Seventies

In recent weeks (and months...) this column has bagged the AFL on many an occasion, albeit for generally good reasons. But it is important to be positive too when the opportunity strikes. And so, let me say without qualification, that whoever's idea it was to have the annual heritage round deserves a pat on the back and a bar card at the Spearmint Rhino nightclub- it's a cracker of an idea. As I recall the original heritage round was a one-off during the 1996 centenary season featuring the original eight teams wearing old timey colours and faux-lace up jumpers, and the other johnny-come-lately teams just wearing their regular jumpers I believe. The concept then appears to have laid dormant until 2003, when it came bursting back with a vengeance. The AFL made a probably sensible decision to introduce a theme for the heritage round recently, given that having for example Carlton in a 19th century replica playing Brisbane in the original eyewatering Bears jumper was a bit of a trippy experience. So while last year we had the '80s round, this year we were all living in the '70s, as the song goes.

One of the real benefits of having a theme for the heritage round is that it allows for a focus on a specific time period, as well as allowing the players to run around in lairy strips. With the exception of Essendon, who were rubbish for the entire decade, the '70s was a bit of a halcyon era for football. Some of the alltime greats plied their trade during this period (Jezza, Blight, Matthews etc), some of the most historic matches took place (70, 77 and 79 Grand Finals), and some of the most iconic moments with accompanying classic commentary occurred ("Oh, Jesalenko (sic), you beauty!"; "Matthews has snapped the point post! Talk about a he-man!"; "Harmes snaps it back to Sheldon...it's a goal!". Media coverage during the week saw many of the old players, coaches and commentators reminiscing about the old days and the old grounds and characters, it was great to hear some of the stories about a bygone era when the money was less but the passion was every bit equal.

This was also the decade that saw colour television come into play, and with it garish shorts and jumper shades for a number of teams. Mercifully by the '80s most teams had quietly gone back to the slightly less aesthetically offensive lower garments, but for one round a year wheel them out I say! So we had Essendon and the Bulldogs in red shorts, Richmond in yellow shorts and Melbourne in a most fetching royal blue shade which had the bonus effect of removing the colour clash with Carlton. The Dees were able to give interim coach Mark Riley a winning start with a win over the Blues, pride being the only thing at stake for these two clubs now in 2007. The other team out of the running, Richmond, put up a brave show against North but the Roos proved too strong and kept their unexpectedly good run going for another week. Pre-season favourites Fremantle were desperate for a win up at Sydney to keep their fast sinking 2007 hopes alive but the Swans, inspired by Michael O'Laughlin's games record and Adam Goodes' 200th, took the points and significantly boosted their own chances of finals action. How many weeks left until Chris Connolly becomes the latest member of the sacked coaches club?

I wrote last week about the Big Occasion game- Essendon came into their clash against high-flying Geelong welcoming back two-time cancer survivor Adam Ramanauskas and celebrating 250 games for favourite son James Hird. But the Big Occasion turned into a stinker for the Dons with Hird and young gun Alwyn Davey going down injured and key players Dustin Fletcher and Mark McVeigh going into the umpire's book as the Cats continued on their merry way. The possible finals rivals for the Cats had mixed results- Collingwood deservedly prevailed in a dour struggle in the wet against St Kilda, if only because the Saints refused to join in the '70s theme and turned up in all-white- very helpful to avoid a colour clash against a team wearing black and white. The Western Bulldogs came through against Port Adelaide. Curiously there was much pre-game hype and excitement that this was the first time Port had worn the old "prison bars" outfit that they had worn in the old Uncle Toby's SANFL prior to joining the big boys league- it clearly wasn't, the invaluable footyjumpers.com website shows undisputable evidence that they wore that jumper in the heritage round in 2003. Short memories, people!

The Power's crosstown rivals the Crows delivered what should have been the big shock of the round by thumping previously resurgent Hawthorn at Football Park. But less than 24 hours later the biggest upset in years- at least since the Saints beat the Eagles some weeks ago- occurred in the West. Once more West Coast were the fall guys, perhaps lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that while they were running around in the 1977 WA State of Origin jumper, the opponents Brisbane were sporting the old Fitzroy colours. Halfway through the first quarter the odds on a Lions win were 21 to 1- not a bad bet as it turned out as Brisbane romped home to stun all and sundry. The win was the first at Subiaco Oval ever by a team wearing the Roys jumper (although they did once win at the WACA long ago) and the loss consigned the Eagles from third to... second, courtesy of Hawthorn's belting and subsequent percentage loss. Strange things happened in the Seventies!

Apologies for the delay in this week's wrap, I joined the ranks of the nation's homeowners over the weekend. Finally I have an opinion on interest rates! Round 15 to come quicker I hope.

Round Thirteen: The Big Occasions

Although every home and away match is important, three or four times a year every club encounters the Big Occasion match. Often the occasion is a milestone match for a club favourite (case in point St Kilda's unlikely win over West Coast in Rob Harvey's 350th), sometimes it's a regular fixture like Anzac Day for Collingwood and Essendon or the Western Derby (which rhymes with Barbie or Herbie depending on your level of education)/ Showdown match for the Perth/Adelaide interlopers, and sometimes it's the result of something else entirely. One of the most memorable Big Occasion matches in recent years was Jason McCartney's return to AFL football after suffering horrendous injuries in the Bali Bombing, an unforgettably moving night for those who witnessed it. North rose to the occasion on that night, taking the four points over Richmond. The Roos were involved in a Big Occasion match of another kind around the same time when former captain and club champion Wayne Carey played his first game against them (for the Crows) after being drummed out of the club for cuckolding his vice-captain/best mate's wife. This time, despite no shortage of motivational material, the Roos were unable to get up and score a win (unlike Carey, who by all accounts had no problems either with getting it up or with scoring). So while teams generally do lift for the Big Occasion match, victory is by no means guaranteed.
Round Thirteen was significant in that there were no less than three Big Occasion matches, all for very different reasons. The Roos were yet again involved- their club legend, Norm Smith Medallist and Shinboner of the Century Glenn Archer was playing his 300th match against the Dogs, only the second Roo to achieve the 300 game milestone. Melbourne were farewelling their long-serving coach Neale Daniher after ten years and a Grand Final appearance against Essendon in 2000, ironically the team they were playing in Round 13 (and of course Daniher's former club). And all eyes were on the Collingwood-Hawthorn game, in particular on Magpie Alan Didak. Didak, as alluded to in last week's Wrap, had a fortnight earlier engaged in a big night out with the man who allegedly went on to become the CBD murderer, a night in which shots had been fired at police. How would Didak respond to the widespread public criticism of him for failing to report the eventful evening to the proper authorities, therefore potentially preventing the CBD triple shooting and the death of an innocent Melbourne solicitor?
The Round kicked off with the Dees-Dons game, and in the first quarter Melbourne failed dismally to raise to the moment as the Bombers ran rampant. However Daniher's last ever quarter time speech obviously inspired the Demons, as they fought back courageously to put themselves right back in the match. His last ever half-time and three quarter time speeches were obviously absolute belters as the Demons played all over Essendon and with only a minute or two to go were 17 points up and seemingly destined to send Daniher out on a high note. Unfortunately the Bombers hadn't read the script and put through a couple of late goals, including a Scott Lucas effort with 5 seconds on the clock, to take the match by just 2 points. Unbelievable. Essendon are doing their upmost to give their supporters heart attacks this season, their last four wins have been by 8 points (including a goal after the siren), 1 point, 1 point and now 2 points. Last year they would have lost all four. Go Dons!
Unlike Melbourne, the Carrararoos had no difficulty whatsoever in ensuring that Glenn Archer's 300th game was one to savour and never looked like going down to the Dogs. Roos forward Drew Petrie opened like a man possessed, kicking six first quarter goals before the shell-shocked Dogs were able to close him down. The only dampener on the match for North was that they were only able to get 39,000 to the match, another nail in the coffin of their chances of staying longterm in Melbourne. The poor crowd size made a mockery of the AFL's idiotic decision not to switch the game from the MCG to the Telstra Dome, where 50,000 odd Hawks and Magpies supporters squeezed in to see the match of the round (thousands more were unable to get in and watched it on TV- not Channel 7 of course). Didak, who was roundly booed every time he went near the ball, was unable to have any real effect for the Magpies and it was Hawthorn who took the points and were sitting pretty in the top two at the end of the round. Collingwood's hypocritical disciplinary policy has come in for a lot of stick over the past two seasons- important players like Tarrant (now departed), Johnson and Didak can seemingly commit regicide and remain in the team, whereas lesser lights cop suspensions for offences as pissweak as leaving the team hotel without permission for a walk around the block after an interstate win. Will be interesting to see whether this policy, which must surely be completely disastrous for team spirit and morale, is reviewed at the end of the season if the Pies fail in the finals again.
At the top of the table Geelong continued on its merry way with a straightforward home victory over Sydney, although a late Swans charge probably caused a heart flutter or two among the Swans faithful. The loss probably makes it impossible for Sydney to get a top four position, although only a fool would write them off just yet. Sydney are now level on points with pre-season premiership favourites Freo, who belted Carlton at Subiaco. Another player who has featured prominently in banner headlines for off-field incidents, publicans' scourge Brendan Fevola, may well have played his last match for the Blues after a petulant and ill-tempered display led to him receiving a one week ban from the club with the instruction to "go away and think about it". No doubt the club hopes that Fev is taking a good hard look at himself, will hopefully come back prepared to do the hard yards, straighten up and fly right and all the rest of that crap. But they'll probably just end up trading him to Fremantle.
Elsewhere the Eagles continued their recent dominance over the Crows by taking the points in Adelaide, ending a two game losing streak and keeping in touch with the top two in the process. Port ended Brisbane's chances of an unlikely finals appearance at the Gabba, although they had to withstand a mighty last quarter onslaught from the Lions to do so, and St Kilda kept their 2007 hopes alive by edging out the wooden spoon favourites Richmond.
The round approaching promises more in the way of Big Occasions- James Hird is due to play his 250th, Adam Ramanauskas is making a comeback from cancer that rivals McCartney's for pure courage and guts, while Ben Cousins will also return from his much publicised absence from the game in coming weeks if not this one. Can their teams lift to meet the expectations generated by the buzz? How will their opponents react? Find out back here next week when we discuss Round 14.

Round 12B: One game at a toim

Back in 1990, the newly-monikered AFL made a decision to further expand the national competition by extending an invitation to our teutonic brethren from the Barossa- the Adelaide Crows were born, and came on board for the 1991 season. They immediately had an impact on the competition- the Crow Throw was introduced, the number of mulletted footballers rose exponentially, and with an odd number of teams in the competition the AFL was forced to introduce a bye into the draw for the first time since University fell over at the outbreak of the First World War. Who now remembers the bye? Or University, for that matter? The Students or Professors as they were predictably nicknamed, weren't terribly competitive during their brief foray into the big leagues-playing them was arguably the equivalent of a bye in itself.
Back in the early 90s, though, coping with the bye was the subject of much analytical deep thinking and many a newspaper column. Would encountering the bye provide a team with a much needed break or would it instead destroy forward momentum? Was it even possible to win the week following the bye? Opinions differed, and many a tree fell to provide newsprint on the issue until the Freo Dockers entered the competition in 1995 and put a stop to it by putting the bye out of business.
Until, that is, the AFL decided to introduce a split round in order to give the players a week's break in the middle of the season. Many formats have been tried for the split round. At one stage all of the teams got the same week off, resulting in a completely football-free weekend in the middle of winter. Not too popular, that one, except possibly amongst long-suffering football widows. They've also been rounds split 7-1, 4-4, and this year's variety of 5-3. The same old bye discussions have come to the fore leading into the split round- how best should a team cope with the enormous distraction posed by a week off? Presumably next year Freo will adopt a different approach to having a team booze-up at a nightclub in the middle of Darwin (although maybe they'll do it again but just not invite Chris Tarrant). The weekend just gone provided the first on-field showing of how six clubs coped with the break- some a whole lot better than others.
For many weeks the battle between Melbourne and Richmond had been eagerly awaited by footy fans of many stripes- at last, one of the two sides was guaranteed to win (unless of course they did a Carlton-Essendon from last year and couldn't even beat each other). Melbourne had unfortunately spoiled the lead-up by actually winning a couple of matches against quite respectable opposition, and were warm favourites against the still winless Tigers. By halftime however the Dees were ten goals in arrears, and the game was all but over. So, as it turned out, was Neale Daniher's ten year stint as coach of Melbourne. So the week off had proved a fizzer for the Demons but a shot in the arm for Richmond, who finally got to sing their club song and did so loudly and lustily. Does the break help or hinder? Inconclusive.
No Saturday arvo games again this week, we had to wait until the next evening for our footy fix and it came courtesy of the now traditional (since 2003 I think) clash between the Swans and the Magpies up in Sydney. Sydney came into this game brimming with confidence after beating Hawthorn away; Collingwood had lost to the aforementioned Melbourne and looked ordinary doing it. Naturally enough Collingwood never looked like losing on Saturday night and have gotten nothing but positive press all week (right up until Friday when it emerged that Alan Didak had been out drinking with the alleged CBD murderer a couple of days before). But they were great on Saturday night and their new Irishman in the backline is a gem. Not only did he pick up 20-odd possessions in his 12th game of Australian Rules Football ever, he correctly noted that Collingwood was "taking it one game at a toim" in the post-match interview. A natural.
The final game for the weekend was over in Perth between the Eagles, who are just about unbeatable west of the Nullabor and St Kilda, whose season has been plagued by injury and off-field disturbance. The odds on a Saints win were a pretty inviting 6.25- not bad in a two horse race. Canny punters who put on a couple of bob in the knowledge that it was Rob Harvey's 350th match and the Saints might lift to match the occasion would have been clinking glasses of top shelf sparkling wine in the second quarter as the Saints shot out to a 44 point lead in front of the stunned Weagles crowd. By three quarter time however the wine would have ceased to sparkle as the Eagles piled on goal after goal to bring themselves back to within a goal. The smart money would have been on the Saints to capitulate in the final stages, but instead they fought tooth and nail and got themselves across the line, sparking scenes of celebration reminiscent of a Grand Final victory. Relief for the punters then, if not the tipsters. I must admit that my tipping over the weekend went to the schizenhausen, as Rex Hunt would say if 3AW still let him, but I suspect I wasn't the only one scoring a big fat zero. The curse of the split round had struck- tipsters beware!
So with the midseason hump now out of the way all teams are back on board for Round 13. While it's all academic at the bottom for Richmond and Melbourne, and probably Carlton and Brisbane, Freo and St Kilda are entering the last chance saloon for 2007. Geelong are travelling very nicely at the top but there's a lot of competition to fill the next seven spots. Every match counts, and there's going to be some tired footballers by Round 22. If only there was the opportunity for a periodic break...perhaps in the form of a bye? Maybe we could convince University to come back on board to allow this to occur? Worth considering, or another in a long line of Bad Ideas? Grateful views. Until next week then, yibba da yibba da etc.

Round Twelve Part A: Mr Belvedere, you beauty!

There is a story, possibly an urban legend, that comedian Bill Cosby was so disturbed by what he perceived as negative racial stereotypes in the original 'Lil Rascals TV series that he purchased the rights to the entire catalogue in order that they never be shown on television again. Many are questioning whether Bill's philosophy has been taken on board by the Channel Seven sports department regarding the coverage of AFL football. Why else would you spend millions of dollars on getting the footy rights back from Channel Nine and then not show a single moment of live football? To be fair, the hopeless AFL draw may be slightly to blame- Melbourne, the spiritual home of the AFL did not get a single day game on either Saturday or Sunday last weekend or this one coming. This helps to explain why Seven screened an episode of execrable sitcom "According to Jim" followed by beloved children's classic "Bedknobs and Broomsticks" last Saturday arvo- there was nothing to show in the way of footy. Indeed the AFL and its TV affiliates' aversion to natural light meant that for the entirety of Round 12 there is/was only one match played in daytime- Geelong vs Brisbane, presumably only on the grounds that Skilled Stadium doesn't have decent floodlights fitted. Am I the only one left who likes the option of watching a game down the pub on a Saturday arvo or better yet actually going to one? And don't start me on the mad idea of moving the Grand Final to 5PM in order to allow the TV people to cross to the post-match winners and losers' dinners and to shoot off fireworks at the end, I've wasted enough typing and bile on that one in earlier wraps.
Being confronted with a mad 5PM start time may explain why the Bombers were so bad on the weekend. The Dons and the Power had had completely opposite form coming into their Sunday contest- the Dons had been on fire and the Power awful. This statement was still true at the end of the match, with Essendon kicking six unanswered goals in the last quarter. Unfortunately for the Bombers Port had so completely dominated the first three quarters of the match that even the Power's last quarter slumbers couldn't affect the end result. However Port coach Mark Williams won't be happy that what could have been a 100+ point hiding with huge percentage gains turned into a run of the mill five goal win- in a season as close as this one percentage could well determine who gets a top four spot/home final/finals berth and who doesn't. Kevin Sheedy on the other hand at least had the percentage saved to take away as a positive from an otherwise abysmal display.
Abysmal too was the only way to describe Carlton's effort against Hawthorn on the Friday night. Like Essendon the Blues had come into the match in a rich vein of form only to see it vanish without trace in front of a record Telstra Dome crowd of 50,000 plus (ie. about half of a full MCG turnout). The Hawks hammered the Blues to the tune of 100 points, enjoying a healthy percentage booster to boot which may come in handy in their quest for a top two finish. To get there they'll need to move past either Geelong or West Coast, neither of whom are going to relinquish their position without a fight. The Cats are the team of the moment, unbeaten since Round Five and with a mighty percentage in place. The Cats kept the Lions goalless until halftime on the weekend in a wet encounter down at Sleepy Hollow, running out convincing winners at the final siren. The form of the younger Gary Ablett had Cats fans of all ages misty eyed and in various stages of excitement, he along with colleague Jimmy Bartel are now regarded as Brownlow favourites. Could this at long last be the year of the Cat? Or will 2007 represent yet another in the long line of false dawns that have hit the Second City?
As mentioned there were no games at all on Saturday arvo, but Saturday night saw two fixtures in most unlikely places- one at the Gold Coast, the other in Darwin. In the first fixture, the Cararraroos missed the chance for a clean sweep of their fixtures in their inaugural year on the Coast by going down to a strong Crows performance. In the Darwin fixture, the injury-strapped Dogs over Freo took the four points in a most entertaining game. An old college buddy and I managed to catch a replay of this game down the pub some days later on Foxtel (Seven at the time was no doubt screening repeats of Mr Belvedere at the time, followed by Chitty Chitty Bang Bang). A great game to catch, and we were particularly edified when it was followed by a replay of the iconic 1970 Grand Final. Having never actually seen this game apart from the Jezza mark and various Ted Hopkins goals it was fascinating to see how much it resembled the 1998 Grand Final in that Collingwood (and North later) kicked themselves out of contention, only to be over-run when the opposition gained the momentum. The record crowd, many of whom were wearing actual hats, were treated to a very attractive style of play which certainly compares favourably to some of the negative error-ridden shot chipping-style shockers which sadly occur too often today. And the goal umpires were classic- in the traditional butchers coats and white top hats and with a manner of signalling behinds reminiscent of a gun-slinger at the OK Corral. Although the aggrieved publican's desire to close the pub and go home meant that we were out on the streets just before we could witness Jezza's famous mark, we had been richly spoiled by Foxtel's footy coverage. How does one subscribe to this marvellous network? A top night indeed.
Fremantle, however, had anything but a top night in the Top End. Not only did they drop the four points in a match they really needed to win, but in the wake of the commiseratory drinks session afterwards assistant coach Mark Harvey was king-hit in the street and serial drongo Chris Tarrant found himself the subject of much approbrium for allegedly mooning a woman to whom he had just been introduced and punching a federal ALP candidate. Quite a night!
So, five matches down and three to go for Round 12. Can anyone this weekend match Geelong's performances on the field or Freo's off it? Given West Coast are in action, perhaps they can accomplish both! Find out back here next week. Congratulations, incidentally, are in order to all associated with the Jakarta "Bintangs" (that name possibly the result of an unholy alliance between Osama Bin Laden and the Wu Tang Clan) who managed a comfortable victory over the Singapore Wombats the other day, cheers Tobes for the update. Go the 'tangs!

Round Eleven: To Cranbourne! And don't forget the pie-warmer!

Australian Rules Football at its best ie. when teams aren't flooding or winding down the clock with fifteen minutes still to play, is a highly entertaining game to watch. Many an effusive paragraph has been dedicated to the joy produced by a Hird sleight of hand, a Judd acceleration, a Brown feat of strength or a Davis piece of magic. But at least as many paragraphs have been devoted to the often hilarious off-field wheelings and dealings in the backrooms of the clubs, particularly when the club is struggling on the field. Victorian clubs have a bit of a lead on the interstaters in this regard, in part because of their longer history and in part because of their recent on-field mediocrity. All of the Vic clubs, big and small, have their occasional moments of off-field tension- Essendon, for example, frets every decade or so on whether to replace Kevin Sheedy as coach; Collingwood stresses over whether to wear a black jumper with white stripes or a white jumper with black stripes. The Club Once Known as North Melbourne bickers over whether t'is better to sail forth as the Canberroos or the Carrarraroos or simply to follow Fitzroy's path into Melbourne-based oblivion. So all clubs have their occasional moments of off-field instability. But some have turned boardroom bickering into a genuine art-form, providing endless entertainment for the football community and much schadenfraudic glee for supporters of opposing sides (all very conscious that it will be their side's turn in a fortnight or so). Richmond of course have been a basket case both on and off the field since 1983. Melbourne have periodically threatened to implode for decades. In recent years the off-field shenanigans at Carlton have contributed to the Blues' dismal showings. But the king of the calamitous headlines, without a shadow of a doubt, is everyone's second favourite team- St Kilda.
The AFL would be a far lesser competition without the Saints. They have produced some of the best players the league has seen- Baldock, Harvey, Barker, Stewart, Lockett for example. Generously, for some reason they have always been happy to pass on their talent to other clubs- Stewart and Lockett both found greater riches and success elsewhere, as have Hall and Everitt more recently. Team success though has been noticably lacking for the Sainters, with only the 1966 one point epic over Collingwood to show for over a hundred seasons in the VFL/AFL ( I don't count victories in the Let's Throw the Victorian Clubs a Bone Pre-Season Cup Proudly Brought to You by This Year's Sponsor With a Loud and Annoying Ad). Supporters of opposing teams have appreciated the Saints for their seeming unfailing and cheerful willingness to save other clubs embarrassment by taking home the wooden spoon on such a regular basis. The Saints can cope with failure. Any small sniff of success though has the effect of sending them into a panic, causing them to make absolutely bizarre and nonsensical decisions. Consider, if you will, the recent evidence.
In the early 1990s Ken Sheldon got the Saints into the finals for the first time in decades. When they briefly dipped out again he was promptly sacked and replaced by Stan Alves. Alves delivered a victory in the aforementioned preseason competition in '96 and followed it up the following year with a once in a blue moon actual Grand Final appearance. The Saints went down on the day, due in no small part to the absence of their best ruckman Everitt through injury, but made the finals again the following year. Inconceivably, Alves was sacked. In his wisdom then-President Andrew Plympton plumped (plymped?) for ex-Dons legend Tim Watson, untried as a coach but proven as a Seven Network media performer. Many argued that this was an unwise course of action. Many were proven absolutely correct as Timmy guided the Saints to a wooden spoon within two years and wisely headed straight back to the Seven Network. Plympton too departed, new President Rod Butterss taking the far more conservative coaching option of a proven performer- dual premiership coach Malcolm Blight for a cool $1 million. Fifteen games later, Blight was sacked. Does anyone have a calculator handy? Nice work if you can get it. Little known coaching assistant (and good mate of Butterss) Grant Thomas took over for the rest of the season. An exhaustive coaching review at the end of the 2001 scanned the credentials of all possible candidates and settled on...Grant Thomas. Thomas followed a cunning plan of settling for low finishes in the next two seasons (and trading established players such as Everitt and Hall) in return for high draft picks and by 2004 had a team which couldn't possibly fail to win a flag in either that year or the next. Except they could, failing to make it past the preliminary finals in either season due in part to a cripplingly long injury list. When in 2006 the Saints dipped out in the first week of the finals Butterss, who had long fallen out with Thomas, showed him the door and appointed Ross Lyon instead.
During his time at the Saints Thomas had not only taken on the traditional coaching duties but had also usurped a plethora of other responsibilities eg. negotiating individual player contracts, fixing the pie-warmer in the social club etc. His departure then left a gaping hole which, according to Butterss at least, Thomas felt an obligation to fill by calling his ex-players and inviting them down to his local for a quiet beer and a chat over issues like player contracts, the working state of the social club pie-warmer etc. Thomas denied these allegations, but Butterss ordered him away from St Kilda, while simultaneously threatening to move the club away from its longstanding home at Moorabbin to of all places Cranbourne (perhaps on the basis that Cranbourne is a long way from Thomas' local). This farce has played out in the Melbourne press for the last few weeks, enraging Saints supporter and "comedian" Steve Bedwell (he cracks funnies on the godawful Fox FM station so the inverted commas on the word comedian are no mistake) who threatened a putsch against Butterss which at this stage has yet to occur. What chance do the players have on concentrating on footy with all this going on (and their injury list now heading out the soon-to-be-vacated-maybe Moorabbin door)? None whatsoever, and they duly went down on the weekend to the Carrarraroos.
The match of the round was undoubtedly the Friday night clash between the Bombers and the Eagles. Ten minutes into the match the Eagles were several goals up and the Bombers had about three touches between them (all clangers). It looked like being an absolute slaughter, and prompted me to switch over to the rugby league fixture where a mighty crowd of less than 5000 were sitting in the rain at Stadium Australia. Ten minutes of watching people sliding through the mud was enough and I switched back over to discover that the Dons had finally gotten it together to score at least a couple of goals, perhaps a respectable loss was on the cards. Three quarters later and I, like the full Red and Black army present at the Telstra Dome, was on the edge of my seat as the clock ticked down with the Bombers up by the narrowest of margins. The place erupted as the siren sounded with Essendon up by just one point for the second week in a row, again defeating one of last year's Grand Finalists. The old guard of Fletcher, Lucas and Hird were superb, it was a hell of a good win. And my apologies to my neighbours, who for the second weekend in a row copped a repeated late night slurred and bellowed version of "See the Bombers Go Up".
After such a stirring and high quality game high hopes were held for the clash between the highflying Hawks and the determined Swans, but this was a bit of a scrappy affair. The main interest in the game was in the seemingly ubiquitous Peter Everitt- the one-time Saint was making his first appearance as a Swan against his old team the Hawks. Everitt copped the mother of all bakes from bitter columnist Robert Walls in the Age newspaper on the morning of the match but had the last laugh as the Swans took the four points. Another prodigal son, Jason Akermanis, was also smiling at the end of his first trip back to the Gabba as the Western Bulldogs were able to overcome a couple of serious injuries to key players to defeat struggling Brisbane. And one-time ladder leader Port's season is on the skids at the moment, Carlton easily accounting for them to leap frog the Saints into 13th spot.
Over in the west Richmond's misery continued as on-again off-again Freo kept their season alive with a comfortable victory. Geelong leapt into top spot and outright premiership favouritism with a gutsy interstate win over the Crows. And Collingwood missed a golden opportunity to shore up a spot in the four by going down to lowly Melbourne once again in the Queen's Birthday weekend encounter at the 'G.
So with half the season gone it has become very evident that this is the most even season for some time. Only Richmond and Melbourne are out of the running, only Geelong and West Coast are secure of a finals spot. Twelve teams are still fighting it out for six places, and spots in the top four would seem to be a very precious commodity. Unbelievably at this point in the season one of those spots is occupied by Essendon! Kevin Sheedy is safe for another three years. Of course if he'd produced this result at St Kilda he'd no doubt be sacked immediately and replaced by Steve Bedwell.
The second half of the season will no doubt be every bit as eventful as the first, see you back here next week for Round 12.

Round 10: A shower of Bad Ideas

From time to time, AFL figures- (ex) players, coaches, presidents, media types etc.- put up suggestions for "improvements" which can immediately be identified as Bad Ideas. The alternative jumper suggestion is a case in point, as is virtually any change to interpretations of the rules of the game (this year, it's the hands in the back interpretation which is causing everyone angst). One hardy perennial Bad Idea constantly raising its head, causing concerned onlookers to try and smack it back down again Whack-a-Mole style, is the plan to change the timing of the Grand Final from day to night. TV types are the main culprits behind this generally unpopular suggestion, arguing that: a) the game would rate much better at night; b) every other major sporting event is now at night; and c) overseas viewers would get to see the game in a better timeslot. To which the obvious responses are: a) who cares about increasing TV ratings other than TV executives? b) who cares what other sports do? And in any case, the FA Cup final is still a day fixture (although this year's final would have benefited from being played at late as night as possible, preferably with the lights off). And c) who cares about whether the drunken expats in the Shepherds Bush Walkabout/Saskatoon Outback Steakhouse/Bruce's Bonza Bar in Bangalore (who are, let's be frank, the only people overseas other than Taigh Kennelly's nearest and dearest) who could possibly care about the AFL Grand Final get to see the game in a decent timeslot or not? Australian sports fans have been getting up at sparrowfart for generations to watch overseas sporting events, let the rest of the world suffer for once! This year though, an even Worse Idea has been mooted- the Twilight Grand Final. The rationale, as I understand it, is that this would allow the covering TV channel the opportunity to show something like 24 consecutive hours of football related activity, from the Grand Final lunch to the game to the players' dinners afterwards. That should make interesting viewing! Certainly the Brownlow Medal count is always a riveting watch. Seeing the depressed defeated side hitting the turps for the first time in months should provide some memorable moments. Will they turn on each other in a haze of recriminations? Certainly Sticks Kernahan would love to see someone else broadcast in an inebriated state if only to deflect attention from his own unforgettable boozy tone-deaf rendition of "Stand By Your Man" performed outside Naughton's Hotel following the 1995 premiership. Thankfully, there appears to be no interest whatsoever in this godawful suggestion and hopefully it will disappear from the headlines until this time next year. Have your mallets ready for when this particular mole pops up again.

Another Bad Idea which does have some support is to bring back State of Origin football. Many players are keen to have some chance of representative football, now that the Irish have had enough of having the shit kicked out of them every year. But surely I'm not the only one to recall that State of Origin died a natural death some years back because it had just become farcical? The only thing more pathetic than the crowd attendences was the list of high-profile players injured for the game, all of whom miraculously recovered just a few days later in time for the home and away matches. Those in favour of the revival say things along the lines of, "wouldn't it be great to see Chris Judd and Jonathan Brown in the same Victorian team?" Well yes, it would, but there's no chance of it actually happening! How often did James Hird turn out for NSW/ACT/The Allies? Not too often, and as a Bomber fan I'm very pleased about this. I don't want to see Lloyd's hammy or Fletcher's knee go while they're playing in an ultimately meaningless fixture. How thrilled would Eagles' fans be if Juddy went down with a long term injury while playing for Victoria? Not very, you would have to think. No, the Big V and the rest belong to a bygone era, along with playing all matches on a Saturday afternoon and umpires in white. Let it rest in peace.
One Bad Idea of my own that I was happy to let go was not watching the Bombers live. And I'm very happy that I dispensed with this one on the weekend as I got to see one of their best performances in ages as they gutsed out a 1 point win over the Swans up in Sydney. Belated revenge for the 96 preliminary final. Swans' supporters felt they were hardly done by in the umpiring stakes, but ultimately the Dons deserved their win. Peter Everitt will surely never again punch through a kick after the siren, while nobody would be surprised to learn that the fat SCG goalposts had all undergone a considerable fitness regime following the last minute poster which could have won it for the Swans had the portly post sucked its gut in just a bit. Amazingly the other match on that night ended in a draw- Richmond's losing run ending, sort of. The Tiges and Lions were both disappointed not to take 4 points away from this one, Richmond coach Terry Wallace called for draws to be done away with in favour of extra time- yet another Bad Idea!
The round began with a grudge match between Collingwood and Fremantle in which ex-Magpie hero, now Docker Chris Tarrant proved that he still can't kick straight. The Pies took the points and are flying high in 07, the Dockers are now in doubt of making the finals after being premiership favourites at the start of the season. Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse continues to delight schoolboys nationwide with his team selection- the Magpies are now fielding not only a Cox, a Dick and a Johnson, but the very Austin Powersesque Goldsack! Lovely stuff.
There were a couple of surprise results in Round 10, none more so than Carlton's leap back to the winner's circle over the struggling Bulldogs. The Blues had been winless since their amazing comeback performance over Essendon way back in Round 3. The Carrarraroos hadn't lost since that round, but found West Coast away far too big a challenge and got thumped. No surprise there, but the much underestimated Hawthorn, probably the most anonymous team in the AFL, continue to beat more highly fancied opposition and gave Port their second straight home defeat. The Power's cross town rivals the Crows, once more resplendent in their classy red away strip, crashed to defeat to give Melbourne their belated first victory for the 2007 season. Dees' coach Neale Daniher visibly lost 10 years between the blowing of the siren and his emergence on to the MCG to congratulate his players. Finally, the Cats continued their good run by easily accounting for St Kilda who appear to be imploding off the field- more on that next week.
So, after ten rounds West Coast appear to have a mortgage on top spot but the other top four positions remain pretty open. The Vic teams are finally showing something after some pretty grim years, maybe this year one of them might even make the Grand Final which we hope will be played in daylight as God and nature intended! Still much football to be played and no doubt many more Bad Ideas to be propagated, Round 11 is next and we'll cover it all back here this time next week.

Round Nine: Fire the Klaxon!

To an unwitting observer, AFL and Canberra may seem like two very foreign concepts. Canberra doesn't boast a side in the AFL, whereas the Brumbies of rugby union and the Raiders of rugby league both fly the flag of our national capital on a weekly basis. But don't be fooled! Footy passion in the wasted sheep station does exist, both among the homesick expats from Traditional Football States, those indigenous to the area and even, it would seem, among members of Her Majesty's Loyal Government.

Those following the AFL this season from any sort of distance would be well aware that the league is facing something of a PR problem with drugs (otherwise known as the West Coast Eagles). Some might also be aware that Australian voters go to the polls this year, in an election which looks more and more to be shaping up as a government-changer. So it came as not much of a surprise at all when the government seized upon the AFL drug policy as a potential means of winning over mums and dads both alert and alarmed that AFL clubs were apparently doubling as some sort of latter-day opium dens. Two high ranking government members made the trip down to Melbourne to demand that the AFL revise its much criticised "three strikes" drug policy. However AFL Chief Executive Andrew Demetriou, no fan of the Government, refused to play ball, suggesting that the government talk to the other 80-odd sports registered in Australia who have no drug policy at all before returning for another chat on the matter. Expect this one to come up again the next time an Eagle hits the headlines.

To the joy of Canberran footyheads of all loyalties the AFL roadshow came travelling through over the weekend, giving yours truly the rare opportunity to actually see a match in the flesh. Historic Manuka Oval was bursting at the seams as 14,500 people (which might almost fill the Ponsford Stand at the MCG) came along for the first fixture since the Canberroos gave up and became the Carrarraroos- Western Bulldogs vs Sydney. A most enjoyable day out it was in the late autumn sun, except for hardcore Dogs fans (including the well-lubricated and very vocal group sitting behind me) as the Swans never looked troubled in posting an easy win. Like all Canberra games the crowd were wearing the colours of all 16 clubs, plus an array of attire from rugby union, league, soccer, ten pin bowling, farnakling and darts. It's an eclectic town, sports-wise.

The round kicked off with an ominous fixture- St Kilda live on the TV. Following the universal gnashing of teeth that had followed their last dismal televised appearance against St Kilda, the AFL and Channel Seven must have been dreading the Saints' encounter against Freo. But in stark contrast, this could not have been a more entertaining game. From players landing on their heads after spectacular marks to a completely anarchial approach from both teams, this one had it all. As is common to Freo games, a bloke in the crowd rings a bell everytime former skipper Peter Bell (get it?) gets a touch. He was ringing away as though it was VE Day, Bell was everywhere. If only there'd been a bloke sitting next to him firing off a klaxon horn everytime either team committed a "clanger", the combined din would have reached Madagascar. Both teams turned the ball over with merry abandon, coaches Connolly and Lyon must have aged ten years apiece in the coaches' box. In the end Freo committed slightly less errors and that, combined with yet another addition to St Kilda's comically long injury list (the last VFL player Robert Harvey in game 349), saw the Dockers across the line.

On Saturday Carlton hosted Adelaide. Let me give credit where credit is due. Adelaide's red away strip removed rather than contributed to a clash of jumpers and didn't feature a cartoon crow or indeed any object, animal, mineral, vegetable or phallus (I'm looking at you, Port Adelaide!!). That's what a clash jumper is supposed to be. Not surprisingly, Adelaide looked like a football team and played like one too, accounting for the Blues as per general expectation. Down in Tasmania, however, a big shock was on the cards as the Hawks easily accounted for ladder-leaders West Coast. In the evening games Collingwood were too good for Brisbane up at the Gabba, where they haven't won for quite some time. And my policy of keeping a blind eye and deaf ear to the goings-on of the Bombers proved a winner as they seized victory from the jaws of defeat against the still winless Tiges. General opinion is that Richmond were ripped off in this one, the much maligned in the back interpretation costing temperamental star forward Richo a late goal that would have put Richmond in the lead. Oh well, better luck next week. At least the Punt Roaders can take consolation in the fact that Melbourne is also still winless and able to blow the unblowable. The Demons were unable to defend a five point lead with a minute to go and lost their ninth straight by a point, their third defeat in four weeks by a goal or less.

The final game of Round Nine saw the high flying Cats soundly thump Port Adelaide away from home. Is this the season when Geelong will finally make the break-through? It's shaping up at this stage as a West Coast-Geelong GF, maybe it will be third time lucky for the Cats. But there's still plenty of time between now and the big day. Many, many things could happen. Could drugs in the AFL be the Tampa the government is looking for? Probably not actually. But you never, never know. In politics, as in football, it ain't over until the siren has sounded, the bell has tolled and the klaxon has ...klaxoned for the final clanger. See you back here for Round 10.

Round Eight: Feck arf, coop!

It has often been commented that Australian Rules Football is not a game which lends itself well to television. For starters, unlike games such as soccer, rugby or tennis AFL grounds are extremely big, making it impossible to simultaneously cover both the on-ball and down the field action. When the action is close-up on a player wheeling out of a pack and booting the ball downfield, it isn't until the camera zooms back that it becomes clear whether his kick is on a perfect trajectory to a fast-leading teammate, has gone over his head and dribbled out of bounds, or is on a perfect trajectory to a fast-leading opponent. You often need to rely on crowd reaction noise to tell you the story, not easy when the game is Melbourne-Freo at the MCG on a wet June Sunday afternoon in front of 11,000 people. There really is no substitute for being there. However, given that the AFL involves 8 matches a weekend across five states (unless there happens to be a game on that weekend in Darwin, Launceston, Canberra, Cairns, Norfolk Island or the Australian Antarctic Base) no human alive can make it to all 8 matches barring some sort of Star Trek telepathic device. Whether if you were in possession of such a device you would wish to utilise it on being present on the aforementioned Melbourne-Freo game is a question only you can answer, gentle reader.

So despite the shortcomings of television coverage of AFL, it is unfortunately necessary for footy funs to utilise its services from time to time. Such was the case for me last weekend, when I found myself sitting in front of the box for a number of fixtures. Living in a "non-traditional football state", my previous experience of AFL coverage under the Eddie McGuire regime had not been a positive one. How well I remember my righteous wrath one Friday night when waiting to see the Bombers and having to sit through not only the rugby league, not only the late news but would you believe it the Queen Mother's funeral procession! So I was quite mollified to discover that for the moment the Seven affiliate is screening the Friday game at 8.30pm and I was thus able to see Richmond's latest defeat in something approaching real time. The Crows kicked off with three goals in what seemed like a minute, and another Tiger tragedy looked on the cards. But to their credit Richmond fought back valiantly and had tipsters across the nation on tenterhooks before falling agonisingly short at the final siren. Eight straight, but a lot better than a couple of their previous defeats.

The next day featured a rarity- a Bombers game live from the MCG! So needless to say I went down the pub to watch it, only to find that the pub was screening the Geelong-Fremantle game on Foxtel. My self-imposed exile from the Dons game had the desired effect- Essendon roundly thumped the Brisbane Lions by ten goals. Given that every Essendon game I've watched, attended or listened to this season has resulted in defeat, I will now undertake a policy of football abstinence and hopefully the Dons will go on to take the flag as a result. The Geelong game wasn't a bad watch, it's always nice to see a bit of suburban footy on and the Cats didn't have any real problems in disposing of Freo.

Following my long afternoon down the pub I was somewhat the worse for wear when I arrived home and put on the late match- Hawthorn vs St Kilda. I thought I was suffering from blurred vision when I looked at the score board- 3 goals to 2 approaching three quarter time! Sadly I wasn't, this was one of the most boring, negative, godawful matches for many a day and the fans from both team were not restrained in voicing their opinions. Incredibly, there was something on at the exact same time that was equally bad- the FA Cup final on SBS in which Chelsea and Manchester United attempted to bore their opponents into submission. FA Cup was an apt description- I was reminded of one of my favourite lines from the magnificent sitcom Father Ted (Mrs Doyle solicitously offers Father Jack a cup of tea- "Now, what would you say to a cup?"
Father Jack drunkenly bellows back "Feck arf, coop!") I was doing a fair bit of drunken bellowing myself as I switched between the two shockers before giving up on them both and going to bed. Hawthorn won the footy I think, couldn't care less about the soccer.

Nursing a mild hangover the next day, I arose around noon and perused the papers. All were highly critical of the Hawks-Saints game which didn't surprise. It turned out that the other game on the Saturday night which was on Foxtel- Carlton vs the Carrararoos- had been an absolute cracker, a goalfest which the Roos had won. Once more I had ended up watching the wrong game. Oh well. I managed to watch the end of the Port-Sydney game, in which the Swans broke their run of recent defeats and knocked the Power off the top of the ladder (happily Port were wearing slightly less appalling jumpers this week). In the other matches, which somehow I didn't manage to see, West Coast took top spot back by thumping the hapless Demons who along with Richmond remain winless after 8 weeks. I'm sure supporters of both clubs are thanking their lucky stars for the existence of the other. My Magpie supporting brother in law informed me that he had experienced the same problem as me- completely unable to find the Pies-Dogs clash on the TV he had been forced to resort to an internet stream from the Geelong-based K-Rock radio station, famed for highly regional ads and for kicking off on weekday mornings with something called "Greg's Morning Horn". And the Pies lost too.

So there you have it. Footy on TV is guaranteed to give you a restricted showing of the wrong game. And yet I'm forced to watch it in order to keep up the quality standards of the wrap. The things I do for both of you people. See you again next week for Round Nine.

Round Seven: A Sartorial Shocker

Regular purveyors of the Wrap (best regards to both of you) will be aware that the topic of dodgy change/ preseason/ novelty/ rip off the supporter jumpers is one that raises my ire. For starters, teams seem to wear them for no logical reason whatsoever. I well recall Geelong some years back bringing out their all navy blue change jumper (the Carlton-wannabe) in a game against Melbourne, which of course also wears a predominately navy blue jumper- thereby creating a clash of jumpers in a fixture where no clash had previously existed. More importantly though, they inevitably look shithouse. There's a reason why the traditional jumper designs have survived the decades- they are simple, classy, distinctive and they look like football jumpers. The melange of poorly conceived jumpers which have sprouted up like poisonous toadstools in recent years have been legion. They've ranged a veritable menagerie of stupid animal shapes (surely the supporters don't need a picture of a Crow on the jumper to grasp the concept that the team's nickname is the Crows for example?). They've featured an eyewatering array of garish colours completely unrelated to the team wearing them (North in orange, St Kilda in canary yellow, Carlton in sky blue and last week for some reason in lily white). That one got past me in last week's wrap, possibly as I was overwhelmed by Richmond's stunning capitulation, but it does raise the question- had Carlton won the match, would they have had to alter the lyrics to the club song? Possibly along the lines of "We are the lily whites, in recent sea-sons, we've been shite..." Fortunately it's all academic now. Up until this point in time, I would have rated the worst jumpers ever as Hawthorn's Derby Day preseason outfit with the blue, gold and brown diamonds, Collingwood's barcode preseason effort with the magic eye magpie on the front (wearing an actual Collingwood jumper and therefore looking far more dignified than any of the players) and West Coast's rainbow gay pride away jumper. But on the weekend just gone Port Adelaide unveiled a horror that has shot to the front of the pack and which will surely live in infamy forever.
How to describe it? Well, it did remain true to the Power's traditional (well, since 1997) colours of black, white and teal blue. The design however was, to say the least, poorly conceived. The top half was teal, the bottom half black. Emerging from bottom centre was a grey arm with a clenched fist grasping a white lightning bolt. The overall effect? Without wanting to be rude, crude and altogether unattractive, given that the arm was emerging from the players' shorts it looked rather more like a slightly different appendage, particularly with the clenched fist on top. The lightning bolt was a bit of a worry. One could imagine that the entire jumper was designed in tribute to a failed romantic liaison between The Thing (the scaly one from the Fantastic Four) and Storm (the weather-controller from the X-Men), which had ended disastrously in a painful and embarrassing journey to the emergency room which attending medical personnel had dined out on for weeks. As if poor old Richmond didn't have enough on their minds after last week's shallacking. Faced with such a ghastly vision they never stood a chance and went down for the seventh week in a row. Port on the other hand shot to the top of the ladder and are currently auctioning off their jumpers on E-bay. Hopefully purchasers will burn them on arrival, thus ensuring that they can never disgrace a football field ever again.
Other fixtures largely went according to script, although Adelaide's away victory in Brisbane was something of a surprise. The Demons went agonisingly close to breaking their duck before going down to a last minute goal against the Bulldogs. Essendon as usual started like a house on fire but sprayed their chances and then wilted in the face of opposition pressure to give North their fourth win on the trot. Carlton and Collingwood duked it out at the MCG in front of an appreciative crowd, the Magpies were too good in the end. The Swans' sluggish start to 2007 continued as they went down to St Kilda. The home ground advantage proved the difference over in the west as the Dockers took the points over Hawthorn. And the Eagles have finally been grounded as the Cats did it easily down at the Cattery- the Eagles' first defeat since last year's finals and enough to topple them from their lofty perch of top spot.
A third of the season gone, still a lot to play for. See you back here next week, although if you want to find me in the meantime look no further than Port's jumper auction on Ebay- I'll have my money in one hand and a lit Molotov cocktail in the other. (Not literally, if anyone from Ebay/ the Australian Federal Police is reading!)

Round Six: Farty-two gools tae nil!!

Some years ago I heard a very funny Rowan Atkinson sketch in which he plays the coach of a somewhat unsuccessful Scottish soccer side, berating his team in the dressing room. The opening lines still crack me up- "Farty-two gools tae nil!! Farty-two gools tae nil!! Lads...ah'm hut. Hut...und asheemed. Farty-two gools tae nil! (Sigh)....still...noo tae worry.... ut's... only.... haff...taem..." One can only imagine that Terry Wallace expressed similar sentiments at half time of the Richmond-Geelong game, as the hapless Tiges went in to the sheds having conceded twenty goals in a single half of football. It didn't get any better for the Punt Roaders as the Cats kicked a further 15 in the second half to give their own record highest score a fair shake. It's fair to say that not too many people saw Richmond's car crash of a performance coming- they'd been pretty good against the reigning premiers the previous week while the Cats had been ordinary. Certainly the infuriated Yellow and Black multitudes who jammed the talkback airwaves in the days following the Cat-astrophe were less than thrilled at the Keystone Cops-like performance of their young side. Many coaching and administrative decisions were brought into question, particularly the move to tell experienced defender Darren Gaspar that he would be overlooked at the selection table in favour of younger players. Gaspar promptly retired and the younger players conceded 35 goals, an error pointed out by many of the Richmond faithful in and with various degrees of eloquence, sobriety and profanity. But at least they haven't all walked away in disgust, which frankly they'd be entitled to do after witnessing year after woeful year both on and off the field. All teams have a dud year or two, but Richmond is now well into its third consecutive dud decade. The penniless Carrararoos must be green with envy at the loyalty of the huge Richmond supporter base (green incidentally being one of the few jumper colours the 'roos haven't worn over the years- I distinctly remember them turning out in orange at one point some seasons back).
The Tige's Yarra Park neighbours Melbourne also remain winless, although they at least had some honour in their five point loss to souring Port Adelaide. A pitifully small crowd at the gargantuan MCG expressed their disdain for various umpiring decisions in similar terms to the Tigers' talkback callers, particularly some near the end which may well have cost the Dees their opening win for 2007. Umpiring though was not a factor in Essendon's latest failure- the difference between the two sides there was one Lance "Buddy" Franklin (or "Bloody" Franklin as he is now better known to Bombers fans). Franklin took the game by the thruff of the scrote (apologies to the Twelfth Man) with a virtuoso nine goal performance, including five in about as many minutes in the second quarter. Another team which can't buy a win at the moment is Carlton, who went down by 7 goals to St Kilda. The Blues did claw their way back from the brink with five unanswered goals, only to inexplicably cease all labours forthwith and allow the Saints an easy four points.
The Eagles remain unbeaten on top of the table after defeating the gutsy Bulldogs over in the west. It was a standard week for the Weagles- four more points and one more player in court. This week's villain was the oddly named Llane Spaandermann- I think that's how it's spelt, although there may be a few more a's, l's or n's- who was convicted after acting as a standover man while his mates smashed up a party. To be fair, he hadn't yet commenced work with the Eagles at the time of the incident so drugs at least were not a factor.
Frustration up at the Gabba for the other Westralian side, the Dockers still waiting for their first win at that venue over the Lions. A forty-five point win kept the resurgent Queenslanders at the right end of the table, but a disappointing defeat for Freo after a couple of consecutive wins. Collingwood enjoyed a rare away victory in Adelaide over the Crows, forty-five points the margin there also.
So after six rounds have been played, I am now prepared to declare the Tiges and Dees GONE for 2007. The Eagles on the other hand are officially HOME finals wise. Thirteen into seven won't go, so there's everything to play for as the shadows grow longer and the mercury drops. See you back here for Round Seven.

Round 5: Jetlagged and Homeless

Jet lag is a cruel beast, my friends. One moment you're wandering the streets of Melbourne feeling perky as a marionette, the next you're flat-out on your sister's couch snoring and drooling in front of a DVD of "That '70s Show". Jet lag knocked me round for days following my return to Oz, culminating in me managing to crash out at 4PM on April 24 and wake up at 1AM on April 25. Ordinarily there's not a lot one can do at that time of the morning, but fortunately this was Anzac Day and I was able for the first time to attend the Dawn Service at the Shrine of Remembrance. An amazingly moving event, very glad I went.
Footy-wise of course, Anzac Day means Essendon vs Collingwood and wasn't I excited to have a ticket to the big game. Having previously turned up to three Anzac Day matches for three losses ('96, '98 and '06), I was in no doubt whatsoever that Essendon's encouraging form in 2007 would make this a victory to savour. After all, the Bombers had already had their requisite shock defeat against inferior opposition in Round 3, it couldn't possibly happen again I thought. How wrong can a man be?
Essendon lost of course. 4 from 4. Next year I'll go bushwalking or something and no doubt we'll win by a hundred points. God it was a frustrating day. Even in my chronically jetlagged state I could identify the signs which clearly identified that a Bomber balls-up was about to occur. First, we started like a house on fire but failed to capitalise, missing some absolute gimme shots at goal (Matthew Lloyd). Second, we were unable to prevent the opposition from making inroads back into the game and building confidence in the leadup to halftime. Third, when the opposition inevitably surged in the third quarter panic resulted and there was someone ready and willing to make an inexplicably stupid error to give away a goal (Kepler Bradley, take a bow). Fourth, when this all came to pass heads dropped and there was a red and black stream to the exits as the opposition celebrated an unlikely victory. Luckily I'd passed out by that point. To be fair Collingwood did play reasonably well.
This all took place on a Wednesday- not the most conventional footy day ever. By the time Friday rolled around I'd nearly gotten over both the defeat and the jetlag. However my ongoing search for accommodation took precedence over the watching of football and I was thus in no position to witness Port give St Kilda another belting in the wet. Whilst driving frantically across town trying to inspect properties the next day I did manage to listen to the early stages of the Richmond-West Coast clash- the young Tiges gave the premiers (and every punter in Australia) a mighty scare before a combination of experience and one-sided umpiring got the Eagles across the line. The evening matches saw two interesting if contrasting affairs: a shoot-out at the dome between Carlton and Brisbane which saw the Lions finish with slightly more ammo for; then a phyrric victory for the Swans over the hapless and now playing for draft picks Demons- the Swans got the points but lost several players to long term injuries.
On Sunday morning the news came through that yet another WA-based player was in trouble with the law- this time though it was not the notorious Eagles at fault, which must have come as an enormously pleasant surprise to their overworked PR people. Instead it was Freo's Jeff Farmer, off serving a suspension for eye gouging, who apparently tried to bash his way into a nightclub through the bouncing staff. Fortunately for him he didn't end up in a David Hookes like situation but was merely arrested for his pains, after which his furious club deemed him persona non grata for a considerable period of time. After all that the Dockers got up by a solitary point on virtually the last kick of the day in front of the ecstatic Purple Haze, gaining their second win for 07 and giving Australia's second most famous McManus a great memory for his 200th game in the process.
In the other games the Dogs- mercifully wearing their correct jumper this week- accounted for the Hawks, while the Carrararoos surprised everybody by beating Geelong down at their once feared home ground, these days going under the name of some kind of corporate logo. To my mind the Cats made a huge error by agreeing to sell off the name of Kardinia Park, particularly as it features in the club song ie. "..from dawn to dark, down at Kardinia Park." Changing the line to fit in with changing sponsors can't be easy and no doubt have preoccupied the players during matches there- "...we'll send the other team to hell, down at the ground called Shell" or "..the other team they will be killed, down at the ground called Skilled"? Maybe they'd be better off just going with "The Cattery" and offering Essendon a huge amount of money for the services of young Henry Slattery? Just a thought.
Until next week then, when hopefully yours truly will be celebrating a Dons victory while no longer living out of a suitcase.

Round 4: Hungover and In Transit

Apologies for those gagging for a write-up of Round 4- judging by the stunning amount of comments the wrap is attracting, that would be precisely none of you. My ability to focus on footy has been retarded somewhat by my transportation between continents- I am now Oz-located once again but living in a city where AFL coverage is sketchy at best. I was probably better off overseas really. But I'll do my best to recreate some of the moments that have made up the last fortnight of AFL action.
Waking up around noon on Friday following a stunningly overindulgent farewell boat cruise, I was not at all surprised to see that the Dogs had continued the Tigers losing start to 07, in a game most notable for the huge traffic between the two sides. Richmond now has the Dogs ex-coach and a large percentage of its former playing personnel, while former Tiger favorite Wayne Campbell is now a fixture in the Dogs coaching box. The two sides also share the unwelcome mantle of the two most perennially unsuccessful sides- the Dogs now officially the side boasting the longest premiership drought, the Tiges embarking on their third straight decade of chronic mediocrity. Perhaps this will be the year that one of them manages to break through and get beyond the also-rans mantle that they've held for so long. Probably not though.
Farewell celebrations continued on Friday, resulting in no consultation of AFL results at all until your correspondent landed in Singapore some hours if not days later. Blearily logging on to check results at one of Changi Airport's marvellous free terminals, I was convinced at first that the colour monitor on my computer was broken. How else to explain Essendon's garish appearance in its match against St Kilda? It turned out, however, that for reasons known only to the AFL the Dons' traditional jumper presented a clash with St Kilda's, and much more red was required to rectify the problem. Personally I think it made things far worse. But at least the supposed clash of jumpers was conceivable- it turned out that in the previous night's match the Bulldogs had resorted to a change of jumpers. Now really...anyone who can't tell the difference between a blue jumper with a red hoop and white bulldog as opposed to a black jumper with a yellow sash is probably beyond assistance, and should sign up to become an umpire as quickly as possible. Biting satire! Essendon won the game incidentally.
As did the much underrated Port Adelaide in the wet at the MCG on the same afternoon, Collingwood the defeated side there. It was good news for the Carrararoos in their Gold Coast debut, they ruined everyone's footy tipping by recording their first win of '07 over Brisbane. Perhaps the Lions were somewhat spooked by having to return to the home of the Bad News Bears, the heavy-breathing ghost of Christopher Skase was no doubt up in the stands there somewhere. The Crows managed to prevail over the Swans in Adelaide in an ugly but hard fought low scoring affair.
The Gold Coast wasn't the only notorious interstate venue to get a look in in Round 4- Tasmania's Aurora Stadium, infamous for its pissweak inaudible siren, hosted a clash between the Hawks and the Cats which went right down to the wire. Hawthorn prevailed there by less than a kick. In the battle between the cellar dwellers at the MCG Freo posted their first victory of the season over Melbourne, keeping their season alive but adding an extra furrow to the brow of Dees' coach Neale Daniher. Over in the West the (ill) Eagles ended Carlton's joy from the previous week by soundly stuffing them. Good.
So that's how it might have been in Round 4. I don't really know, I was on a plane for most of it. Round 5 to follow shortly.

Round Three: Bring On The Dicks

Well, you read it here first. In the immortal words of Mike Whatsisname, I tipped this! Bloody Carlton! Somehow, even at their most decrepit, Carlton have an innate ability to lift against Essendon and spoil the day for their supporters. Particularly when their supporters are in a different timezone trying to listen over the internet with a dodgy dial-up connection. Hard to make sense of how Essendon is blowing an eight goal lead when the commentators are getting increasingly hysterical but keep cutting out at crucial moments- "...he runs into the open goal and...buffering...buffering...never seen anything like it...buffering..." But full credit to Carlton, it was a mighty effort. Particularly since their beleaguered skipper Lance Whitnall was allegedly out at 2AM egging his brother's house! As the Age so wittily quipped, this story has now gone beyond a yolk! Long may it continue, it's hilarious.
The Blues' back from the dead effort followed on from a similar but not nearly as impressive effort the previous night when the Magpies managed to run all over the still winless Tigers to claim the four points. Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse managed to delight schoolboys across the nation by introducing a Dick and a Cox into a team already containing a Johnson. Thank God Luke Ball plays for St Kilda. Dick may or may not be related to the player with the greatest name of all time- Willie Dick, who played a season with Essendon in 1992 and in the process became the first tautology ever to play in the AFL.
Speaking of Dicks, the West Coast Eagles just don't seem able to help themselves. The latest additions to the Yellow and Blue Hall of Shame were Michael Braun, who was fined after his obscenity-laced acceptance speech for best on ground in the derby encounter with the Dockers, and Adam Selwood, who may or may not have made sexually explicit comments about his opponent's underage daughter (depicted on the Docker player's arm in a fairly dodgy tattoo of someone who resembled Brian May from Queen). Always better to pay top dollar when you go to a tattoist, really. The tribunal ruled that Selwood didn't, but then also let his opponent off for striking him on the grounds of extreme provocation. Absolutely mystifying. The Eagles are now the only unbeaten side in the competition for 2007 after Port Adelaide went down in the Showdown match against crosstown rivals the Crows, and Brisbane was pipped at the post in the Warwick Capper Cup match against Sydney.
But the pressure is really on the teams still yet to open their account for the season- Richmond and Fremantle as noted, along with Melbourne and the Carrararoos. The Dees went down to a resurgent Geelong, who may this year be able to deliver on the promise they showed in last year's preseason. Melbourne were tipped by many to do alright this year, as indeed were the Dockers. The loser of their forthcoming match this weekend will be in deep, deep trouble for 2007 and it would be no surprise if the coach's head were to roll come Round 16. This being rivalry round, the Roos played Hawthorn- well obviously. They haven't been rivals of any kind since Abba was top of the Countdown charts and flared trousers and superwide lapels were the coach's choice for Grand Final attire (brown velvet was the go for Brownlow night however). The Hawks got over the line in what was by all accounts a pretty dire affair.
Another somewhat tenuous rivalry was exploited in the St Kilda vs Western Bulldogs match. It is a bit unfortunate for the AFL that not everyone can play Collingwood at once. The Saints were able to bounce back to take the points, it's a bit shaky out west just at the moment though.
So, three rounds down and it's all very interesting. This weekend really is the crunch for the four winless teams- lose this weekend and they're basically playing for draft picks. Can anyone catch the Eagles (other than the boys from the Vice Squad)? All will be revealed in the weekend to come. See you back here for next week's wrap.