Round Twenty: Fudging the Evidence

Just when you thought it was safe to go back onto Telstra Dome... Seven seasons ago, they struck without warning, leaving unsuspecting Bomber Mark Johnson in a bloodied heap and leading an infuriated Kevin Sheedy to call for his skeet rifle. They've bided their time since then, waiting patiently until another player was foolish enough to be caught alone in the middle of the field... and then, in a blur of claws and feathers, they attacked! The dreaded Telstra Dome seagulls strike again! This time the helpless victim was Docker Jeff Farmer, a man who is certainly no stranger to controversy, who was left sprawled across the pitch with his nose splayed across his face as the nearest opposition player jogged innocently away some distance from the scene. Amazingly, no TV camera caught the incident. If not the seagulls, then what else could have taken Farmer out? Did a piece of the Telstra Dome roof come loose, a la the set light at the start of The Truman Show? Was that security guard Farmer punched some weeks back sitting up in the stands with an air rifle? The AFL Tribunal chose not to believe any of these quite plausible scenarios, instead handing the nearest Saint Steven Baker a massive seven week suspension. Season over for Baker and the seagulls off scot-free, chuckling evilly away up in the rafters like John Jarrett in Wolf Creek. How long until they strike again?

Copping a massive sentence in the lead up to the finals is the latter-day equivalent of transportation for life, minus the rum, sodomy and lash (although what happens on the end of season footy tour stays on the end of season footy tour!). Another player copping a 19th century-style sentence was Magpie Ben Johnson, who is out for the season after he took out Demon Daniel Bell with a sickening hit reminiscent of Bomber legend Michael Long's astoundingly out of character assault on young then-Demon Troy "Snake" Simmonds in the 2000 Grand Final. The Johnson hit had the effect of firing up the previously sluggish Demons, who gave the out of form Magpies a real scare before Collingwood came away with the win. Melbourne were at least able to chair skipper and club games record holder David Neitz off with a bit more pride than they did Byron Pickett some weeks back after their woeful Manuka Oval display against Sydney. The bloke who really deserved a lengthy spell on the sidelines, however, appears to have gotten away like a Telstra Dome seagull- I'm referring to the appalling hit put on ex-Magpie and Roo Sav Rocca, now of the Philadelphia Eagles, by Antwan Barnes of the Baltimore Ravens- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6U6bMPpIIc -deliberate contact to the head of an unsuspecting player while the ball is miles from the scene, that should have been season over for Barnes right there. A Rocca Knocker Shocker, you might say.

Perhaps, however, the American NFL judiciary has a similarly skewed system of justice as our own AFL Tribunal. It would appear that the seemingly ubiquitous Rocca Family are to be the holders of the unwelcome title of Last Key Player to be Rubbed Out for the Grand Final Ever- Anthony Rocca's suspension for the 2003 Grand Final playing no small part in Collingwood's hilariously dire performance as previously documented on this site. The AFL's displeasure with such a one-sided decider would explain Lions gun Jonathan Brown getting off on a technicality in 2004 and, in the most risible slash glaringly transparent verdict of all time, Barry Hall being allowed to play in 2005. Hall escaped suspension after whacking Saint Matt Maguire in the stomach with the ball nowhere in sight after the tribunal ruled that the action, illegal and dirty as it was, was somehow related to the flow of play. Don't even try and find logic in that one. Hall was simply too important to the Swans for the AFL to allow him to be absent on the big day. This Untouchables policy would also seem to apply to players in genuine contention for the Brownlow Medal- the AFL wants no repeats of the Corey McKernan/ Chris Grant embarrassments of '96/'97. Earlier this year Eagles golden boy Chris Judd, then in scintillating form, found himself before the tribunal on the unsavoury charge of eye-gouging Hawk Campbell Brown. To universal delight Judd, who is seemingly the only player on the entire West Coast list whom a prospective father in law wouldn't greet at the front door with a shotgun, was cleared. Last week Brown admitted on one of the many TV footy shows to fudging his evidence to ensure Judd got off, and was promptly fined $7500 for providing unsatisfactory evidence! Now really. What happened to the long standing tradition of not dobbing another player in at the tribunal? Nobody ever gives accurate evidence! You can imagine the tribunal members sitting around like Captain Renault in Casablanca, saying with straight faces- "We're shocked! Shocked! To discover that there has been fibbing going on in here". Talk about an open and shut case- the only bust in history that would have been easier would have been that cop who did Willy Nelson for marijuana possession some months back- incidentally, how come Cheech and Chong never got busted? Or Woody Harrellson? Or the cast of Reefer Madness? Check it out here- those people shouldn't be out on the street! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bM_vLk1I6G4

Brown's fine was part of a dismal week for the Hawks, who were also fined for having an illegal camera operating at their game (pity there wasn't one at the St Kilda-Freo match, those seagulls would have finally got their just desserts!) and then blew their match in Tassie against Port by conceding two goals in the last 30 seconds. Could be an expensive loss, considering how tight the battle is for top four spots. Port are now in pole position to take one of those spots, as are West Coast who recorded a straight forward victory over wooden spoon certainties Richmond at Subiaco. Geelong of course sewed up their top four spot some time ago and are now several games clear at the top of the ladder after a shaky win over the Carrarraroos. The Roos have now dropped three in a row, but should be able to pick up some points, form and confidence in the weeks leading into the finals. The Cats have now gone undefeated since their loss in Round 5- a club record within a single season- and the bubble of expectation continues to expand in the Corio Bay area. I recall it was around about this time of the year that the Almost Invincibles Bombers side of 2000 dropped a match unexpectedly- don't be at all surprised if the Cats happen to lose either this week or next.

One team quite adept at dropping matches is Carlton, without a win since Round 11. Carlton's latest tank came against the Bombers, who came from five goals down to take the points. Not quite as impressive a comeback as the Blues managed in the corresponding fixture earlier in the season but still a good result. Skipper Matthew Lloyd provided one for the highlights reel with an audacious backheel goal. As mentioned earlier Freo and St Kilda played off, the Saints took the points and thus finally ended the Dockers' finals chances. Freo have been like a hammy Shakespearean actor performing a death scene for months now, staggering around the stage, falling to their knees, recovering briefly but now seemingly finally at rest. Thank God. The Western Bulldogs too are in line to exit stage left after they went down to Adelaide, the Crows season still alive for the moment. Also holding on by the skin of their teeth are the Brisbane Lions, who salvaged their second draw of the season courtesy of a massive bomb from well outside the fifty by Jonathan Brown to severely damage Sydney's chances of stealing a top four spot.

So just two rounds of the regular season to go and we're all approaching fever pitch, whether our team is looking at their first flag since the black and white era; still in contention for a top four or top eight finish; or simply tanking their way to future glory. Take it easy over the weekend- watch out for seagulls and if you're in the mood for a quiet bevvy before the footy, why not try this place- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvFormOyvBQ I don't know if they show footy, but there's darts at least! See you back here for the Round 21 wrap.

Round 17: Bring me the Heads of the Essendon Board!

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos, and with muffled drum,
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come....

Sorry to get all literary (WH Auden, see Four Weddings and a Funeral) this week, but the sacking of Denis Pagan from Carlton moved me in a way that surprised even myself. So you can imagine my reaction when two days later Kevin Sheedy got the boot from Essendon after 27 years! Like most Bombers fans I went through the full gamut of emotions- anger, disbelief, shock, rage, apoplexy, nostalgia, wrath, grim foreboding, mild gratification (when I opened a letter from the Department of Revenue telling me I had received a $7000 First Home Buyers Grant, not strictly relevant to the Kevin Sheedy issue really) and finally a dull acceptance. Luckily I was in a non-footballing state or territory, down in Melbourne the talkback lines were spontaneously combusting and mobs of enraged red and black partisans were marching on Windy Hill with flaming torches demanding the heads of the Essendon Football Club board on platters. Such sentiments are understandable when you consider that Sheedy had been at the Bombers' helm since 1981- in that time his former club Richmond has been coached by (deep breath)- Tony Jewell, Francis Bourke, Mike Patterson, Paul Sproule, Tony Jewell (again), Kevin Bartlett, Allan Jeans, John Northey, Robert Walls, Jeff Gieschen, Danny Frawley and now Terry Wallace. Many Bombers supporters (myself included) have not known Essendon under any other coach (Barry Davis was the last one, trivia buffs take note), to say nothing of the players who have spent their entire careers under him. Sheedy came to office in 1981, the same year that Ronald Reagan came into the White House, Bucks Fizz won the Eurovision Song Contest for the UK, Prince Charles married Diana, Belize became independent, and Hosni Mubarak became President of Egypt. Only Mubarak has matched Sheedy for staying power (although my personal theory is that an animatronic version of Mubarak has been operating via remote control for some time now) and none of the above can claim to have been anywhere near as successful (Cold War, Shmold War!). Sheedy's amazing on-field record and accomplishments have been well documented- four day premierships from seven Grand Finals, six night flags, a positive win-loss percentage against every other club bar Port Adelaide- but it is his contribution to changing the face of the game from a small parochial suburban competition to a truly national game that will be his lasting memorial (not that he's dead or anything!) People who take the stance that Sheedy was "just a football coach" are missing the point- Denis Pagan was just a football coach (albiet a very, very good one). Sheedy was an icon not just of Essendon or the AFL but of the entire nation. His efforts to promote indigenous players have earned him a place of pride in Aboriginal Australia, while his moves to build up Anzac Day through the annual Essendon-Collingwood match have contributed to the resurgence of interest in the day from its previously moribund state. His departure from the Bombers really is the end of an era. I myself commemorated Sheedy Regicide Day with a sixpack of James Boags and a re-viewing of the last quarter of the 1984 Grand Final, one of my most cherished childhood moments. For an eight year old kid to see his team launch the mother of all comebacks to snatch glory from the side which had traumatised it (and him) 12 months earlier provided evidence that there was after all some justice in life, and sometimes the good guys won. And to think I only learnt this valuable life lesson because Sheedy moved Billy Duckworth and Paul Weston into the forward line! Vale Sheeds, you'll be sadly missed.
Hard now to remember what actually took place on the weekend just gone given the massive events that followed but I'll do my best. My recollections are made even more hazy by the fact that I had a Saturday night out in Sydney of the kind that can only be pieced together in the cold light of the following day by signed witness statements and closed circuit television footage... I was lucky enough to miss Australia's sporting Black Saturday, in which the Wallabies, Socceroos and netballers (do they have a nickname?) all went down like nine-pins. I was also blissfully unaware that over in Perth Brownlow medallist and allegedly reformed crystal methamphetamine addict Ben Cousins was making a stunning return to the game against the Eagles' mighty rivals the Swans. Cousins looked (I am assured) as if he'd never been away as he racked up 38 touches in the Eagles' 12 point win- 12 points being the total accumulated margin for the previous five matches between the two sides. I was aware that the Bombers had gone down earlier in the day to Collingwood but chose to pretend that I wasn't. All too depressing.
The Friday night game provided further evidence that Geelong is a very, very good team in 2007. They steamrolled the Bulldogs in the final quarter, shattering the Doggies' spirit after three quarters of hard slog and doing serious damage to their percentage into the bargain. It's all looking rosy down at Catland just now, although they must be a tad concerned that their coach "Bomber" Thompson is out of contract and there are now four cashed-up clubs looking for a new coach (well, three with cash and Melbourne).
One of those clubs is Fremantle, who gave another ex-Bomber the chance to make his coaching debut away to Adelaide. And he was able to get a most unexpected win first up as the Dockers accounted for tipsters' nightmare side the Crows. All money in the bank in terms of getting a senior job somewhere next year. Demons' interim coach Mark Riley suffered a loss in his match against the Carrararoos who are unbelievably up to second place after being written off by all and sundry pre-season. The only highlight for the Dees was a possible mark of the year to young star Matthew Newton (not to be confused with Bert's woman-bashing son). And up at the Gabba the woefully unsuccessful five year stewardship of Denis Pagan came to an appropriate end with a 117 point belting by the Lions, after which the plug was pulled to the general relief of all. Carlton under Pagan have not improved in the slightest over the five years, unless you count the two Let's Throw the Victorian Clubs a Bone Cups and their infuriating habit of beating Essendon every year. Pagan can take solice in the fact that in future years he will probably be remembered more for his two premierships at North than for his five forgettable years at Princes' Park. After all, not too many people remember the "Messiah Years" at Melbourne when Ron Barassi's coaching career is recalled. Jonathon Brown broke the Brisbane goalkicking record for a single match with a lazy ten.
Two other games rounded out Round 16- Port easily accounted for the hapless Richmond in Tiger legend Matthew Richardson's 250th, the Power moving into the top four. And rapidly rising St Kilda took the points over rapidly declining Hawthorn in the rematch of the Worst Game Ever between the two sides played earlier in the season. Thankfully this match was a far less dire affair, although that's not setting the bar particularly high as the first match was a stinker par excellence.
So a historic week in the annals of AFL history. An era has ended at Essendon, although Sheedy will be staying on until the end of the season (watch us win the premiership now after a late charge!) It has been a rare season for coaching carnage- a quarter of those who started the season are now out of a job. Will there be more to come? Can Ben Cousins stay on the wagon? Will Richmond win again this year? Can anyone beat Geelong? All these questions and more to be answered in weeks to come, here at your one-stop footywrap shop.