The Finals: Week One: Invest in a Hip Flask

And then there were six. After a weekend in which all eight finalists were in action, two more teams have found themselves relegated to the sidelines, two sides have gone straight through to preliminary final weekend and four teams go into this weekend coming in the knowledge that a loss will mean curtains for 2007. It was a weekend notable for dramatic form reversals- several teams which had played like worldbeaters in Round 22 played like deadbeats in Finals Week One. The worst case of finalsitis was that suffered by the Carrararoos, who bounded onto the field for their match against Geelong in the manner of the kangaroo on the Qantas logo and were carried off some hours later looking like a roo that had just been run over by a Mack Truck travelling at a very high speed. Geelong were absolutely awesome in their 106 point win, and their performance will have put the fear of God into the remaining finalists. It could have been even worse for the hapless Roos, only their amazingly accurate kicking of 8 goals 2 behinds saved them from an even bigger shellacking. Very strange to see a game in which the opposition fullback only has to put the ball back into play twice, I was actually at the game in which that last occurred- Essendon vs Fitzroy, Round 1 1995 at Western Oval. I remember it well, my only excursion into the western suburbs' heart of darkness. One of my friends had declined to accompany the excursion on the grounds that "I would only pay money to see Fitzroy if you could guarantee that they wouldn't score for the entire game". At halftime the Lions had accumulated the somewhat disappointing scoreline of 0.0.0 and no doubt my friend was making urgent arrangements to get to the Western Oval in the hope of seeing history being made. Fitzroy did recover somewhat in the second half to post 5 goals 2 behinds but it was very evident that day that the club's prospects of remaining in the AFL were somewhat bleak.



For the Roos it must have seemed like finals deja vu all over again. They were smashed in their last finals appearance in 2005 by 87 points against Port, and by a finals record 125 points by the Almost Invincibles Bombers of 2000. Many people are starting to talk of the 2007 Geelong as being on a par with the 2000 Dons, given their long winning streak and massive first up finals victory. The Cats should be wary though- the Bombers of 1999 also enjoyed a long winning streak and a big finals victory over Sydney before the horror of the Preliminary Final That Shall Not Be Named unfolded. Once again I was there, sitting amidst a crowd of similarly aghast Bombers fans as the unbackable favourites disintegrated and lost by a single point to bloody Carlton of all teams. Arguably the most disappointing sporting result of all time, with the possible exception of Australia's 2-2 draw with Iran which kept the Socceroos out of the 1998 World Cup. If ever there was an afternoon designed to drive a man to drink that was it. Unfortunately for me, however, I couldn't even resort to booze as I had to drive home to attend my sister's alcohol-free 21st at our local Masonic Lodge. I'm sure I wasn't the only attendee questioning the wisdom of that particular organisational decision, particularly after the evening reached its nadir when my sister's friend delivered a speech quite breathtaking in its total disregard for judgement, decorum and the fact that its audience was both sober and consisting of several children and senior citizens. Not until the same sister's father-in-law made a similarly well-received doozy at the wedding have I heard quite an address at a family event. I made the decision at this point to quietly back away through the stunned crowd, duck under some assorted masonic regalia and spend the remainder of the evening in the car listening to the Victorian election result. Jeff Kennett's government suffered a shock defeat that day too, so the day wasn't a total loss. But Cats fans beware! Don't start celebrating just yet, and if you have any family commitments on preliminary final day do invest in a hip flask of some description.



The aforementioned Jeff Kennett has since leaving the Premier's Office undertaken the dual roles of President of Hawthorn Football Club and Chairman of the Beyond Blue anti-depression institute. In recent years these roles might have seemed a bit mutually exclusive, but not in 2007. The Hawks have had a very good year and lived to fight another day after a thrilling 3 point victory over the Adelaide Crows, who turned up wearing red for some reason, no doubt to eliminate the well-known colour clash that occurs when a team wearing predominantly yellow plays a team wearing predominantly navy blue. The Crows started off the stronger side and got to five goals up before the Hawks swung into gear and slowly pegged them back. The first lead change of the match didn't occur until well into the final quarter, after which a goal for goal shoot-out took place. With two minutes on the clock it looked as though the Crows had pinched it after a long Crows bomb went through as despairing Hawks defenders wrapped themselves around goal posts trying to keep it out. But emerging Hawks superstar Lance "Buddy" Franklin sealed the victory with the last kick of the game, a boomer from well outside the fifty. As the final siren sounded the Hawks crowd leapt to their feet in rapture, Kennett among them resplendent in his yellow and brown striped jacket. He may have looked like a stockbroker who had taken a wrong turn on his way to the exchange, but there was no doubting his pleasure at the result. Quite possibly his happiest moment since Preliminary Final Day 1999. Disappointment for the Crows, though, their season is over.



The season of the Crows' cross-town rivals Port Adelaide though is very much alive, the Power were also involved in a three point result but happily for them they were on the right side of the result. Their encounter with the Eagles was a far more dour affair, but like Hawthorn the Power had to come from behind to win after being behind all night. The Eagles' chances of winning took a nose dive when star player and tabloid champion Ben Cousins limped off with a hammy, while skipper Chris Judd played like a man who should have been rested six weeks back. Port had their own hospital-related worries though, coach Mark Williams' wife went into labour at a most inopportune time and for a while there it was touch and go whether the Power guru would stick around for the final siren. But it all ended happily for Port, the siren went with their side in front and the coach was promptly whisked to the maternity ward in good time to see his latest offspring emerge. Port through to the preliminary, the battered Eagles have one more chance to keep their quest for back to back flags alive.



The Eagles will take on Collingwood, who ended the Sydney Swans' quest for a third straight Grand Final and redemption for their one point defeat last year. It was the Magpies' third victory over the Swans this year, clearly they have the measure of Sydney in 2007 and will go over to Subiaco with a lot of confidence. Star for Collingwood was oft-maligned forward Anthony Rocca, who gave Magpie fans the jitters just before halftime by going down clutching his knee but who ended a most successful evening out with six majors. Rocca has been cleared of injury and will play this weekend against West Coast, which is good news for the denizens of Carringbush. If he had been rubbed out the Pies would have had to go with Plan B- recalling ex-Horsham superstar Brian "Strauchanie" Stauchan! Check out his bulging talents here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uM_oBGcvts&mode=related&search=

It was another good week for the Rocca family in general, with elder brother Sav gaining the punting contract at the Philadelphia Eagles at a salary roughly equivalent to that of Liberia's national debt. A quick glance at Rocca's player bio on the Eagles' website http://www.philadelphiaeagles.com/team/player73.html would seem to indicate that either Philadelphia is engaging in some most un-American hyperbole or that Sav's mother is running the website- seriously, "One of the best players in the history of the Australian Football League"? I don't want to be a Rocca Knocker or a Rocca Mocker, but that statement really is a Rocca Crocker.

So now just three weeks to go until the 2007 Premiership team will be known. And with brilliant timing I'm now going off on holiday for three weeks to the jungles of Vietnam. If I can find an internet terminal in the Mekong Delta I will try and post a review of the coming weeks. Expect an Apocalypse Now/ Platoon/ Ballad of the Green Berets feel to any further Wraps. Stay well and hope your team's song is the one sounding when the final siren goes.

Round Twenty: Fudging the Evidence

Just when you thought it was safe to go back onto Telstra Dome... Seven seasons ago, they struck without warning, leaving unsuspecting Bomber Mark Johnson in a bloodied heap and leading an infuriated Kevin Sheedy to call for his skeet rifle. They've bided their time since then, waiting patiently until another player was foolish enough to be caught alone in the middle of the field... and then, in a blur of claws and feathers, they attacked! The dreaded Telstra Dome seagulls strike again! This time the helpless victim was Docker Jeff Farmer, a man who is certainly no stranger to controversy, who was left sprawled across the pitch with his nose splayed across his face as the nearest opposition player jogged innocently away some distance from the scene. Amazingly, no TV camera caught the incident. If not the seagulls, then what else could have taken Farmer out? Did a piece of the Telstra Dome roof come loose, a la the set light at the start of The Truman Show? Was that security guard Farmer punched some weeks back sitting up in the stands with an air rifle? The AFL Tribunal chose not to believe any of these quite plausible scenarios, instead handing the nearest Saint Steven Baker a massive seven week suspension. Season over for Baker and the seagulls off scot-free, chuckling evilly away up in the rafters like John Jarrett in Wolf Creek. How long until they strike again?

Copping a massive sentence in the lead up to the finals is the latter-day equivalent of transportation for life, minus the rum, sodomy and lash (although what happens on the end of season footy tour stays on the end of season footy tour!). Another player copping a 19th century-style sentence was Magpie Ben Johnson, who is out for the season after he took out Demon Daniel Bell with a sickening hit reminiscent of Bomber legend Michael Long's astoundingly out of character assault on young then-Demon Troy "Snake" Simmonds in the 2000 Grand Final. The Johnson hit had the effect of firing up the previously sluggish Demons, who gave the out of form Magpies a real scare before Collingwood came away with the win. Melbourne were at least able to chair skipper and club games record holder David Neitz off with a bit more pride than they did Byron Pickett some weeks back after their woeful Manuka Oval display against Sydney. The bloke who really deserved a lengthy spell on the sidelines, however, appears to have gotten away like a Telstra Dome seagull- I'm referring to the appalling hit put on ex-Magpie and Roo Sav Rocca, now of the Philadelphia Eagles, by Antwan Barnes of the Baltimore Ravens- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6U6bMPpIIc -deliberate contact to the head of an unsuspecting player while the ball is miles from the scene, that should have been season over for Barnes right there. A Rocca Knocker Shocker, you might say.

Perhaps, however, the American NFL judiciary has a similarly skewed system of justice as our own AFL Tribunal. It would appear that the seemingly ubiquitous Rocca Family are to be the holders of the unwelcome title of Last Key Player to be Rubbed Out for the Grand Final Ever- Anthony Rocca's suspension for the 2003 Grand Final playing no small part in Collingwood's hilariously dire performance as previously documented on this site. The AFL's displeasure with such a one-sided decider would explain Lions gun Jonathan Brown getting off on a technicality in 2004 and, in the most risible slash glaringly transparent verdict of all time, Barry Hall being allowed to play in 2005. Hall escaped suspension after whacking Saint Matt Maguire in the stomach with the ball nowhere in sight after the tribunal ruled that the action, illegal and dirty as it was, was somehow related to the flow of play. Don't even try and find logic in that one. Hall was simply too important to the Swans for the AFL to allow him to be absent on the big day. This Untouchables policy would also seem to apply to players in genuine contention for the Brownlow Medal- the AFL wants no repeats of the Corey McKernan/ Chris Grant embarrassments of '96/'97. Earlier this year Eagles golden boy Chris Judd, then in scintillating form, found himself before the tribunal on the unsavoury charge of eye-gouging Hawk Campbell Brown. To universal delight Judd, who is seemingly the only player on the entire West Coast list whom a prospective father in law wouldn't greet at the front door with a shotgun, was cleared. Last week Brown admitted on one of the many TV footy shows to fudging his evidence to ensure Judd got off, and was promptly fined $7500 for providing unsatisfactory evidence! Now really. What happened to the long standing tradition of not dobbing another player in at the tribunal? Nobody ever gives accurate evidence! You can imagine the tribunal members sitting around like Captain Renault in Casablanca, saying with straight faces- "We're shocked! Shocked! To discover that there has been fibbing going on in here". Talk about an open and shut case- the only bust in history that would have been easier would have been that cop who did Willy Nelson for marijuana possession some months back- incidentally, how come Cheech and Chong never got busted? Or Woody Harrellson? Or the cast of Reefer Madness? Check it out here- those people shouldn't be out on the street! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bM_vLk1I6G4

Brown's fine was part of a dismal week for the Hawks, who were also fined for having an illegal camera operating at their game (pity there wasn't one at the St Kilda-Freo match, those seagulls would have finally got their just desserts!) and then blew their match in Tassie against Port by conceding two goals in the last 30 seconds. Could be an expensive loss, considering how tight the battle is for top four spots. Port are now in pole position to take one of those spots, as are West Coast who recorded a straight forward victory over wooden spoon certainties Richmond at Subiaco. Geelong of course sewed up their top four spot some time ago and are now several games clear at the top of the ladder after a shaky win over the Carrarraroos. The Roos have now dropped three in a row, but should be able to pick up some points, form and confidence in the weeks leading into the finals. The Cats have now gone undefeated since their loss in Round 5- a club record within a single season- and the bubble of expectation continues to expand in the Corio Bay area. I recall it was around about this time of the year that the Almost Invincibles Bombers side of 2000 dropped a match unexpectedly- don't be at all surprised if the Cats happen to lose either this week or next.

One team quite adept at dropping matches is Carlton, without a win since Round 11. Carlton's latest tank came against the Bombers, who came from five goals down to take the points. Not quite as impressive a comeback as the Blues managed in the corresponding fixture earlier in the season but still a good result. Skipper Matthew Lloyd provided one for the highlights reel with an audacious backheel goal. As mentioned earlier Freo and St Kilda played off, the Saints took the points and thus finally ended the Dockers' finals chances. Freo have been like a hammy Shakespearean actor performing a death scene for months now, staggering around the stage, falling to their knees, recovering briefly but now seemingly finally at rest. Thank God. The Western Bulldogs too are in line to exit stage left after they went down to Adelaide, the Crows season still alive for the moment. Also holding on by the skin of their teeth are the Brisbane Lions, who salvaged their second draw of the season courtesy of a massive bomb from well outside the fifty by Jonathan Brown to severely damage Sydney's chances of stealing a top four spot.

So just two rounds of the regular season to go and we're all approaching fever pitch, whether our team is looking at their first flag since the black and white era; still in contention for a top four or top eight finish; or simply tanking their way to future glory. Take it easy over the weekend- watch out for seagulls and if you're in the mood for a quiet bevvy before the footy, why not try this place- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvFormOyvBQ I don't know if they show footy, but there's darts at least! See you back here for the Round 21 wrap.