Round Three: Bring On The Dicks

Well, you read it here first. In the immortal words of Mike Whatsisname, I tipped this! Bloody Carlton! Somehow, even at their most decrepit, Carlton have an innate ability to lift against Essendon and spoil the day for their supporters. Particularly when their supporters are in a different timezone trying to listen over the internet with a dodgy dial-up connection. Hard to make sense of how Essendon is blowing an eight goal lead when the commentators are getting increasingly hysterical but keep cutting out at crucial moments- "...he runs into the open goal and...buffering...buffering...never seen anything like it...buffering..." But full credit to Carlton, it was a mighty effort. Particularly since their beleaguered skipper Lance Whitnall was allegedly out at 2AM egging his brother's house! As the Age so wittily quipped, this story has now gone beyond a yolk! Long may it continue, it's hilarious.
The Blues' back from the dead effort followed on from a similar but not nearly as impressive effort the previous night when the Magpies managed to run all over the still winless Tigers to claim the four points. Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse managed to delight schoolboys across the nation by introducing a Dick and a Cox into a team already containing a Johnson. Thank God Luke Ball plays for St Kilda. Dick may or may not be related to the player with the greatest name of all time- Willie Dick, who played a season with Essendon in 1992 and in the process became the first tautology ever to play in the AFL.
Speaking of Dicks, the West Coast Eagles just don't seem able to help themselves. The latest additions to the Yellow and Blue Hall of Shame were Michael Braun, who was fined after his obscenity-laced acceptance speech for best on ground in the derby encounter with the Dockers, and Adam Selwood, who may or may not have made sexually explicit comments about his opponent's underage daughter (depicted on the Docker player's arm in a fairly dodgy tattoo of someone who resembled Brian May from Queen). Always better to pay top dollar when you go to a tattoist, really. The tribunal ruled that Selwood didn't, but then also let his opponent off for striking him on the grounds of extreme provocation. Absolutely mystifying. The Eagles are now the only unbeaten side in the competition for 2007 after Port Adelaide went down in the Showdown match against crosstown rivals the Crows, and Brisbane was pipped at the post in the Warwick Capper Cup match against Sydney.
But the pressure is really on the teams still yet to open their account for the season- Richmond and Fremantle as noted, along with Melbourne and the Carrararoos. The Dees went down to a resurgent Geelong, who may this year be able to deliver on the promise they showed in last year's preseason. Melbourne were tipped by many to do alright this year, as indeed were the Dockers. The loser of their forthcoming match this weekend will be in deep, deep trouble for 2007 and it would be no surprise if the coach's head were to roll come Round 16. This being rivalry round, the Roos played Hawthorn- well obviously. They haven't been rivals of any kind since Abba was top of the Countdown charts and flared trousers and superwide lapels were the coach's choice for Grand Final attire (brown velvet was the go for Brownlow night however). The Hawks got over the line in what was by all accounts a pretty dire affair.
Another somewhat tenuous rivalry was exploited in the St Kilda vs Western Bulldogs match. It is a bit unfortunate for the AFL that not everyone can play Collingwood at once. The Saints were able to bounce back to take the points, it's a bit shaky out west just at the moment though.
So, three rounds down and it's all very interesting. This weekend really is the crunch for the four winless teams- lose this weekend and they're basically playing for draft picks. Can anyone catch the Eagles (other than the boys from the Vice Squad)? All will be revealed in the weekend to come. See you back here for next week's wrap.

Round 2: KAPOW! SCHLOCK! TWAT!

Easter! The long weekend when we remember and commemorate the greatest comeback of them all by gorging ourselves silly on chocolate eggs that may or may not also contain M & Ms, Smarties or even chocolate-covered sultanas. It's also a welcome opportunity to get out of town, which is exactly what I did. I spent a very pleasant long weekend at the JW Marriott hotel ("the Dubya") in the amusingly-titled locale of El Rehab City ("Where did you go for the weekend?" "Oh, I was in Rehab for a couple of days, feel much better for it!"). I can only hope that Ben Cousins has as pleasant a Rehab experience in his undisclosed location, which may or may not contain a wave pool, golf course and sensational Italian restaurant like the Dubya. It also contained, much to the stunned pleasure of my friend and I, a genuine if pint-sized Batman- or at least a child running around the hotel in an absolutely authentic TV Batman outfit. This was nothing like the crappy smock and mask version I had as a child, this was the real deal. The mini-Batman dashed around the foyer looking for crime to fight and villains to overcome, shaking hands from time to time with hotel security and nonplussed guests. All attempts to photograph the Dark Knight proved unsuccessful. The best my friend could achieve was a horned silhouette, after which Batman disappeared as quickly as he had come leaving behind only awed whispers- "Who was that masked man?"
But boy could Carlton have used the services of the Caped Crusader on Saturday night as the rejuvenated Cats ran amok at the Dome. The Cats blooded a pair of highly vamped recruits but it was the Ablett brothers who stole the show, to the misty eyed pleasure of nostalgic Pivotonians. For the Blues it was a disappointing night out for skipper Lance Whitnall, possibly distracted by his own brother issues. Given the poisonous atmosphere in the Clan Whitnall it would have surprised nobody if brother Whitnall had been up in the stands stabbing at a voodoo Lance with a pair of sharpened barbecue tongs. If only Batman had been there to swing from the rafters to break the voodoo curse and dispatch him with a well-placed boot to the jaw- KAPOW! SHLOCK! TWAT! But t'was not to be, and the Blues' sterling start to 2007 came to a brutal end.
Their rivals in incompetence in 2006 Essendon meanwhile continued their stunning revival by notching up two wins in a row for the first time since 2004 with a hard fought win over the highly fancied but still winless Dockers. Ex-Bomber Dean Solomon got himself reported, to the misty eyed pleasure of nostalgic Dons. Essendon play Carlton this weekend- on paper an easy tip? Don't you believe it. For some reason Carlton, even at their voodoo-cursed worst, always lift for this fixture. Maybe this year will be the exception. God I hope so.
Elsewhere Mick Malthouse's return to his old haunt ended in disappointment as his protege The Pharmacist (capitalised to distinguish him from the many other pharmacists earning a living off the West Coast side) got the Eagles up to a second straight narrow win as the 2006 premiership flag was unfurled. Brisbane retained top spot with a second straight comfortable home win, this time over the Saints, while Adelaide bounced back to top the Doggies in Melbourne. Richmond and the Carrararoos remain winless after losses to Sydney and Port respectfully. Roos coach Dean Laidley was possibly still distracted following his verbal stoush with former teammate Wayne Carey, the probable informal holder of the club's greatest ever player title (although a slightly more distant contender for the Ladies' Auxilary Award for Best Clubman). Not even Batman could have matched Carey in his prime. The Dees too are yet to open their account, falling to Hawthorn in the Monday fixture. So the immediate pressure is now off Bomber Thompson for Coach Most Likely to Go, my new tip is Laidley to depart- I'll stick with Round 16.
So two rounds in and it's all shaping up in a most intriguing fashion. See you back here for Round 3- same bat-time, same bat-blogsite.