The Finals: Better Late Than Never

Well, I had a lovely holiday in Vietnam. Thank you for asking. Many, many highlights, as we wound our way up from the Delta to the north. I learned a great deal about the history and culture of the place and enjoyed it all very much, but Vietnam did let me down in one key regard- I was completely unable to access this website for the entire three weeks. Why my site was banned, I don't know. Perhaps I wrote something disparaging about Ho Chi Minh in an earlier post. In any case, apologies to those who have been on tenterhooks for weeks now waiting to find out who won the Grand Final (although I severely hope and pray that nobody is using this site as their only source of AFL-related information). I will now try and recreate the thrilling final three weeks of the 2007 AFL season.

Week two of the finals saw two very different encounters, fortunately I was still in Australia and able to witness both. Collingwood had perhaps the most difficult road trip of all to navigate, away to West Coast, but went over to the west chock full of confidence after their victory over Sydney the previous week. And what a belter of a game ensued. Both sides went at it hammer and tongs and when the final siren sounded scores were, for an incredible fourth time in 2007, dead level. These two sides played a finals draw in the 1990 season too, back then there was no extra time rule in finals and they had to come back the next week for a replay. This remains the source of much bitterness amongst Bombers supporters as it indirectly ended up costing Essendon the 1990 premiership. The Dons had finished atop the table and, under the old final five system, had the first week of the finals off. Canny Bombers coach Kevin Sheedy had sought to take full advantage of the break by resting several key but injury-carrying players for Round 22, thus giving them two weeks off to recover. Unfortunately having three weeks off due to the Collingwood-West Coast replay resulted in them being hopelessly out of condition and Essendon was duly smashed by the Magpies in the Second Semi Final, a result from which they never recovered. The Pies went on to take a long awaited flag, much to the disappointment of the rest of the competition who had been hoping with a due sense of schaudenfraude for the next chapter in the illustrious history of the Collywobbles. No such problems for the 2007 Magpies, they had all of the play in extra time and recorded a glorious away win to earn a spot in the Preliminary Final. President Eddie McGuire was thrilled but in control of his interview with Channel Seven after the game, managing to plug quite a few Channel Nine shows in the process ("Our odds of winning this one were 1oo to 1! And you can catch '100 to 1' the game show on Channel Nine at...") etc. etc. McGuire revealed that the triumphant Pies would be ferried back to Victoria on board a specially booked plane which would fly at low altitude all the way, allowing for recovery procedures to take place on board and with the added bonus of causing sonic booms over Adelaide. For the Eagles, though, the dream of back to back flags went very sour indeed in 2007. By all accounts coach John Worsfold lambasted his players in rare style, blasting them for the seemingly unending series of off-field activities and headlines that had distracted from the core business of winning footy matches. Ex-skipper Ben Cousins was one who reportedly copped it with both barrels from his own ex-captain. And in the weeks following it has gotten even worse for the Eagles- first, current skipper and arguably the best player in the competition Chris Judd decided he'd be happier back in Victoria and will line up next season in the navy blue of Carlton. Then, far more seriously, 1990s premiership hero and favourite son Chris Mainwaring died after what was by all accounts a drug-related binge. It will be a long tough off-season of soul-searching over in the West one would think.

The second match was the encounter between the Roos and the Hawks, and many thought that after the two sides' respective results the previous week a Hawthorn win was on the cards. It wasn't to be though, the Shinboners were able to make all the running while Lance Franklin was unable to repeat his heroics of seven days earlier. Hawthorn never really looked like it and bowed out of the finals in somewhat disappointing fashion. However they will look back with great pride on their 2007 season, the first time they've been in the finals since 2001. If Franklin can gain some consistency a la Jonathan Brown he could well be the next superstar of the competition. Plenty to look forward to in 2008 for Hawk fans.

I watched the Roos-Hawks match from the salubrious surrounds of the somewhat Stalinist looking Formule 1 hotel at Sydney Airport, and the next day jetted off to the City Formerly Known As Saigon. There I met my tour group, which included not only a lady named Di married to a man named Charles but a couple hilariously going by the names of Glen and Glenda. Fans of the so-bad-they're-good movies of legendary '50s director Ed Wood will know why I found that so funny, if not find out here- http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0045826/. After a lengthy day of sightseeing in the former South Vietnamese capital I wandered into a bar named the Blue Gecko, which was proudly advertising a Grand Final brunch affair blessed with the presence of ex-Eagles premiership hero Peter "Like A Cork In The Ocean!" Wilson. Sounded good, but unfortunately our tour was headed north to the beaches of Nha Trang. Here I was very confident of being able to see the eagerly awaited Geelong-Collingwood Preliminary Final, given the high number of Aussie dive instructors present and the existence, according to my bootleg Lonely Planet, of a sports bar called the Kangaroo. However I wandered the streets for some time searching in vain for said bar before a friendly local drove me at high speed on the back of his bike to a bar which was indeed called the Kangaroo- but which had a distinctly Russian theme, judging by all the Cyrillic script and vodka bottles. So I didn't get to see the game. However I was in good company there, as neither did hundreds of MCC members back in Melbourne. With a massive crowd of 98,000 plus turning up many found themselves turned away, including some who had made the cardinal error of getting a passout in order to have a quick ciggy. There's a good strategy for the Quit people to follow! Those Cats fans who did make it in would have had their hearts in their mouths for most of the match as Geelong looked distinctly nervous after their week off. Any Cats fan who happened to read the most recent Wrap dealing with the 1999 Preliminary Final would have been reaching for their hip flasks when Collingwood hit the front in the final quarter. But thankfully for the sake of the long-suffering denizens of Catland Geelong were able to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat by a mere five points. Sub-editors who had already lined up the headline "Cat-astrophe!" were left disappointed, as were the Magpie army who had come so close to a most unexpected Grand Final appearance. But like Hawthorn, the Pies can be very happy indeed with a season in which they exceeded most people's expectations. The challenge for next season is to go one match better. They will have to do it without the veteran triumvirate of Nathan Buckley, James Clement and Paul Licuria, all of whom hung up the boots at the close of 2007. But the young brigade at Collingwood is the equal of any other side in the competition and will be tough to beat next year.

The other match was a case of deja vu all over again once more for the Carrararoos, who copped their second finals hiding in three weeks, this time at the hands of Port Adelaide. An 87 point whipping was a sad way for Glenn Archer's career to conclude, but his last season has been one in which the Roos have exceeded every expectations. For a team widely tipped to finish in the bottom four if not dead last to come third is a mighty achievement, even if they still do look to be Gold Coast bound due to a chronic lack of supporters. Let's hope that the Northerners are able to bite the bullet and move if they have to rather than taking the Fitzroy route of long term oblivion in Melbourne. For their part the Power were very impressive indeed in their victory, and their fans were rightly thrilled at their speedy return to the big stage after only three seasons away.

So nationwide excitement kicked off as Grand Final week commenced, particularly in Victoria and South Australia. Over in Vietnam, however, our tour had proceeded to the Central Highlands where we were undertaking a 20km trek rather optimistically described on the brochure as "difficult in parts". In reality, with large sections of the track under water, lengthy stretches of ankle deep leech-infested mud to trudge through, the occasional necessity to give way to the local bullock traffic, the potential danger presented by snakes/scorpions/left over punji traps and frequent torrential downpours of monsoonal rain, the trip was a bit of a challenge even for someone in absolute peak physical condition such as myself(!), let alone older folk like Glen or Glenda. Our trip, incidentally, was rated "Explorer", the middle of the three categories. Presumably on the "Comfort" trip you get carried along the track by native bearers; on the "Basix" category they quite possibly employ superannuated Viet Cong guerrillas to pop up and shoot at you occasionally. However despite the trials and tribulations of the trek we all survived and limped into the fairly nondescript town of Ban Me Thout (which sounds like a very strange and possibly disturbing request) eager to check on news of the outside world. Alas, Ban Me Thout is the home of the world's slowest internet- it took me ten minutes to successfully open one web page, which informed me that in an upset result Geelong's Jimmy Bartel had taken the Brownlow from his more fancied teammate Gary Ablett. I was unable to discover if any of the wives or girlfriends had been able to match the fashion atrocities of earlier seasons, grateful if anyone could let me know if they did.

So the Grand Final opponents were decided- for the first time since 2004 it would be 1 versus 2, for the first time since 1997 it would be two sides who had missed the finals the previous year, and for the first time since 2003 a Victorian team would take part. The general consensus amongst pundits was that this was going to be the third consecutive nailbiter of a Grand Final, after all Port had taken the points over the Cats in their last encounter and Geelong did have a fairly tragic recent history in Grand Finals (not to be confused with Port's fairly tragic history in finals in general, see 2001-3). Power coach Mark Williams engaged on a week of mindgames, referring repeatedly to the Cats' failures in the '89, '92, '94 and '95 Grand Finals and suggesting that history might be about to repeat itself. There was also much handwringing down the highway over who should take on the ruck duties against the Power duo of Lade and Brogan- should it be Mark "Blakey" Blake, who had rucked virtually all year but had looked progressively shaky, or should ex-skipper Steven "Salem's Lot" King, who had been in the twos all season but had a lot more experience. In the end coach Bomber Thompson opted for King, causing much Derek Kickett-style disappointment to Blakey who quite possibly expressed his feelings to his coach in the manner of his "On The Buses" namesake- "Oooh, I 'ate you Bomber!". I'm aware that that reference is probably mystifying to absolutely everyone, here's a quick explanation- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_The_Buses.

With the scent of an upset in the air, the Teutonic hordes from our nation's most Germanic state swept across the border for the big day in fleets of Volkswagons, Mercedes-Benzes and Panzer tanks, their lederhosen concealed under copious layers of black, white and teal. The MCG was a picture for the big match with a virtually full house turning up for the big game. The pre-match entertainment was up to its usual standard, this year we had the Ghost of Nicky Webster turning aerobatic circles with the premiership cap while attached to a hot air balloon. Bizarre stuff. But soon enough it was on with the main event as the two teams ran out, a fairly ordinary rendition of the National Anthem was bleated, and the ball was held aloft for the opening siren of Grand Final 2007.

While all this was going on my tour group was en route from the pleasant coastal city of Hoi An to the former imperial capital of Hue. We stopped en route at Danang to see China Beach, former R and R venue for off-duty US armed forces, and also saw the fabulous Marble Mountains, well worth a look if you're ever up that way. Some of us were looking at our watches and doing urgent timezone calculations in our heads as our bus hurtled northwards...

How to describe the demolition that was unfolding back in Melbourne? Well the first five minutes or so were close, and Port even led by a point for a couple of minutes. If they had been able to kick slightly straighter into the forward line, they might have even gotten a goal or two up. All too soon, however, Geelong clicked into gear and a couple of swift goals in succession would have elicited a worried "Ach der Lieben!" from the Port multitude. That would have mutated rapidly into an anguished "Gott in Himmel!!" as the Cats ran amok in the second quarter to go in at half time an almost insurmountable 52 points up. Former disgraced exile Steve Johnson was having a day out in the forward line, defensive general Matthew Scarlett was giving nothing away at the back, "Salem's Lot" was fully justifying his inclusion in the ruck, while the Cats midfield was having a day out. I have it on good authority, however, that the vast majority of Cats supporters maintained a poker face at the long break, determined to "keep a lid on it" lest the massive halftime lead dissolve into the greatest collapse in history. With the AFL making the very sensible decision some years back to abandon the halftime entertainment show, lest we cop a parade of surfboards NRL-style- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voCsJr4fpHc. These days the entertainment consists of the little league kids and the halftime sprint, just like it did in the old days (ie. the 1970s). This year the Richmond bloke won, giving beleaguered Tiges fans something to celebrate after a year in which they finished last yet again but somehow missed out on the consolation of the No. 1 draft pick courtesy of Carlton's tanking.

At this point our tour bus was screaming into Hue, tyres smoking, as the AFL supporters on board urged haste to the nearest restaurant or bar with Australia TV available. And to the credit of our tour leader Thinh, within minutes of arrival we were sitting in Hue's finest pizzaria watching as the teams came out for the second half. And if the Port fans thought things were bad at the long break, they must have been choking on their beer steins in the third quarter as the Cats ran completely amok. Mark Williams' halftime address to the troops obviously failed to hit the right notes as the Power's horrendous error rate continued, with Cat players gleefully swooping on every dropped mark or misdirected handball to bang through yet another major. When the siren sounded for three quarter time the result was in no doubt whatsoever, the sound of the lid coming off could be heard in a 100 mile radius in respective arcs centred around the MCG and Kardinia Park, the margin was the greatest ever at three quarter time in a Grand Final, and the stunned Power fans watching the slaughter with suitably aghast expressions could only hope for a few late consolation goals in the last quarter to make the final margin a little more respectable. But they would have been regurgitating their pie floaters (not that any non-South Australian could possibly tell the difference between the pre- and post-digested forms of that particular culinary abortion) as Geelong refused to show any mercy and instead took their revenge for the decades of frustration, missed opportunity and underachievement by unleashing an Old Testament-style onslaught upon the broken and demoralised opposition. When the dust finally cleared and the siren sounded, the old Grand Final record margin of 96 points had been completely obliterated (much to the joy of the 1988 Melbourne Demons, who would have been cheering every goal) as the Cats were on the right side of an unbelievable 119 point annihilation. Delirium promptly descended on the MCG as tearful ex-players, jubilant supporters and the ecstatic playing and coaching staff of Geelong joined as one to celebrate the breaking of the 44 year premiership drought in the most emphatic manner possible. The Norm Smith Medal deservedly went to Steve Johnson, whose season would make for a very inspirational TV movie of the week if only he was American. Perhaps the Yanks could buy up the rights to his story and adapt it so that he becomes a star quarterback who falls from grace through a drunk and disorderly arrest in, say, Topeka (rather than Wangaratta) and is banished from his team but fights his way back to lead his team to victory in the big game. Nah, nobody would buy that, it's far too corny and unbelievable.

The Cats did themselves proud on the premiership dais too. Perhaps remembering how churlish the Eagles had looked the previous season when many of the players had snubbed the kids presenting them with medals, the Geelong players made a point of giving each of the kids their sponsor's cap (much to the joy of the sponsors no doubt). But only the odd abandoned little hat with feather and half eaten saerkraut was left in the Power section of the ground, while the shellshocked Port players limped off the ground looking like the shattered remnants of the Wehrmacht following the Battle of Stalingrad.

There is no question that Geelong's victory was a very popular one amongst AFL fans of all persuasions. Crows fans had the satisfaction of seeing their hated rival get absolutely creamed and will have no shortage of verbal ammunition for the summer ahead. Demons fans can celebrate their side's removal from the record books of the unwanted title of most uncompetitive Grand Final side ever, while along with fans of the Bulldogs and Saints can take heart in the fact that if Geelong can break their drought perhaps hope is in sight for them too. Magpies supporters will be both proud that they ran the premiers to within a kick after the Cats won their other two finals by over 100 points, and will be thrilled that their 2003 Grand Final performance is no longer the most embarrassing in recent memory. Dons fans can enjoy the achievement of a famous son in Bomber Thompson even if he won't be succeeding the master Kevin Sheedy (Matthew Knights?! What happened to the criteria that the new coach had to have come from a culture of success? He played his whole career with Richmond!) And of course everyone can enjoy the absolute humiliation experienced by the most obnoxious fans in the AFL, even worse than Collingwood, who have been rabbiting on since their admission about being "the most successful club in Australia" courtesy of their 35 premierships in Die Bundesliga across the border- hopefully a 20 goal pounding witnessed worldwide will shut them up for a bit.

So, there we have it. At the end of one of the most eventful seasons on record, both on and off the field, Geelong have won everything not nailed down. We've seen coaching carnage, the ends of eras, a galaxy of great stars retire from the game and some new ones emerge. And big questions remain to be answered in the leadup to 2008. Will the Carrararoos bite the bullet and head north? Can West Coast keep their players out of the magistrates court? How will Melbourne, Fremantle, Carlton and Essendon go with brand new coaches? All those questions and more will no doubt be answered, but you'll have to wait for 2008- season 2007 is officially a wrap.

Thanks to those who've enjoyed the Wrap this season and let me know through comments or email. It's been fun doing it and has given me something to do on Friday afternoons. Cheers especially to the No. 1 Cats supporter Tim for setting up the site which didn't really leave me any option but to do the Wrap (any questions as to why the dog on the tuckerbox is misunderstood should be directed to him, not me). I promise next year that I will not go on holidays while the finals are in progress! See you back here in 2008.

The Finals: Week One: Invest in a Hip Flask

And then there were six. After a weekend in which all eight finalists were in action, two more teams have found themselves relegated to the sidelines, two sides have gone straight through to preliminary final weekend and four teams go into this weekend coming in the knowledge that a loss will mean curtains for 2007. It was a weekend notable for dramatic form reversals- several teams which had played like worldbeaters in Round 22 played like deadbeats in Finals Week One. The worst case of finalsitis was that suffered by the Carrararoos, who bounded onto the field for their match against Geelong in the manner of the kangaroo on the Qantas logo and were carried off some hours later looking like a roo that had just been run over by a Mack Truck travelling at a very high speed. Geelong were absolutely awesome in their 106 point win, and their performance will have put the fear of God into the remaining finalists. It could have been even worse for the hapless Roos, only their amazingly accurate kicking of 8 goals 2 behinds saved them from an even bigger shellacking. Very strange to see a game in which the opposition fullback only has to put the ball back into play twice, I was actually at the game in which that last occurred- Essendon vs Fitzroy, Round 1 1995 at Western Oval. I remember it well, my only excursion into the western suburbs' heart of darkness. One of my friends had declined to accompany the excursion on the grounds that "I would only pay money to see Fitzroy if you could guarantee that they wouldn't score for the entire game". At halftime the Lions had accumulated the somewhat disappointing scoreline of 0.0.0 and no doubt my friend was making urgent arrangements to get to the Western Oval in the hope of seeing history being made. Fitzroy did recover somewhat in the second half to post 5 goals 2 behinds but it was very evident that day that the club's prospects of remaining in the AFL were somewhat bleak.



For the Roos it must have seemed like finals deja vu all over again. They were smashed in their last finals appearance in 2005 by 87 points against Port, and by a finals record 125 points by the Almost Invincibles Bombers of 2000. Many people are starting to talk of the 2007 Geelong as being on a par with the 2000 Dons, given their long winning streak and massive first up finals victory. The Cats should be wary though- the Bombers of 1999 also enjoyed a long winning streak and a big finals victory over Sydney before the horror of the Preliminary Final That Shall Not Be Named unfolded. Once again I was there, sitting amidst a crowd of similarly aghast Bombers fans as the unbackable favourites disintegrated and lost by a single point to bloody Carlton of all teams. Arguably the most disappointing sporting result of all time, with the possible exception of Australia's 2-2 draw with Iran which kept the Socceroos out of the 1998 World Cup. If ever there was an afternoon designed to drive a man to drink that was it. Unfortunately for me, however, I couldn't even resort to booze as I had to drive home to attend my sister's alcohol-free 21st at our local Masonic Lodge. I'm sure I wasn't the only attendee questioning the wisdom of that particular organisational decision, particularly after the evening reached its nadir when my sister's friend delivered a speech quite breathtaking in its total disregard for judgement, decorum and the fact that its audience was both sober and consisting of several children and senior citizens. Not until the same sister's father-in-law made a similarly well-received doozy at the wedding have I heard quite an address at a family event. I made the decision at this point to quietly back away through the stunned crowd, duck under some assorted masonic regalia and spend the remainder of the evening in the car listening to the Victorian election result. Jeff Kennett's government suffered a shock defeat that day too, so the day wasn't a total loss. But Cats fans beware! Don't start celebrating just yet, and if you have any family commitments on preliminary final day do invest in a hip flask of some description.



The aforementioned Jeff Kennett has since leaving the Premier's Office undertaken the dual roles of President of Hawthorn Football Club and Chairman of the Beyond Blue anti-depression institute. In recent years these roles might have seemed a bit mutually exclusive, but not in 2007. The Hawks have had a very good year and lived to fight another day after a thrilling 3 point victory over the Adelaide Crows, who turned up wearing red for some reason, no doubt to eliminate the well-known colour clash that occurs when a team wearing predominantly yellow plays a team wearing predominantly navy blue. The Crows started off the stronger side and got to five goals up before the Hawks swung into gear and slowly pegged them back. The first lead change of the match didn't occur until well into the final quarter, after which a goal for goal shoot-out took place. With two minutes on the clock it looked as though the Crows had pinched it after a long Crows bomb went through as despairing Hawks defenders wrapped themselves around goal posts trying to keep it out. But emerging Hawks superstar Lance "Buddy" Franklin sealed the victory with the last kick of the game, a boomer from well outside the fifty. As the final siren sounded the Hawks crowd leapt to their feet in rapture, Kennett among them resplendent in his yellow and brown striped jacket. He may have looked like a stockbroker who had taken a wrong turn on his way to the exchange, but there was no doubting his pleasure at the result. Quite possibly his happiest moment since Preliminary Final Day 1999. Disappointment for the Crows, though, their season is over.



The season of the Crows' cross-town rivals Port Adelaide though is very much alive, the Power were also involved in a three point result but happily for them they were on the right side of the result. Their encounter with the Eagles was a far more dour affair, but like Hawthorn the Power had to come from behind to win after being behind all night. The Eagles' chances of winning took a nose dive when star player and tabloid champion Ben Cousins limped off with a hammy, while skipper Chris Judd played like a man who should have been rested six weeks back. Port had their own hospital-related worries though, coach Mark Williams' wife went into labour at a most inopportune time and for a while there it was touch and go whether the Power guru would stick around for the final siren. But it all ended happily for Port, the siren went with their side in front and the coach was promptly whisked to the maternity ward in good time to see his latest offspring emerge. Port through to the preliminary, the battered Eagles have one more chance to keep their quest for back to back flags alive.



The Eagles will take on Collingwood, who ended the Sydney Swans' quest for a third straight Grand Final and redemption for their one point defeat last year. It was the Magpies' third victory over the Swans this year, clearly they have the measure of Sydney in 2007 and will go over to Subiaco with a lot of confidence. Star for Collingwood was oft-maligned forward Anthony Rocca, who gave Magpie fans the jitters just before halftime by going down clutching his knee but who ended a most successful evening out with six majors. Rocca has been cleared of injury and will play this weekend against West Coast, which is good news for the denizens of Carringbush. If he had been rubbed out the Pies would have had to go with Plan B- recalling ex-Horsham superstar Brian "Strauchanie" Stauchan! Check out his bulging talents here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uM_oBGcvts&mode=related&search=

It was another good week for the Rocca family in general, with elder brother Sav gaining the punting contract at the Philadelphia Eagles at a salary roughly equivalent to that of Liberia's national debt. A quick glance at Rocca's player bio on the Eagles' website http://www.philadelphiaeagles.com/team/player73.html would seem to indicate that either Philadelphia is engaging in some most un-American hyperbole or that Sav's mother is running the website- seriously, "One of the best players in the history of the Australian Football League"? I don't want to be a Rocca Knocker or a Rocca Mocker, but that statement really is a Rocca Crocker.

So now just three weeks to go until the 2007 Premiership team will be known. And with brilliant timing I'm now going off on holiday for three weeks to the jungles of Vietnam. If I can find an internet terminal in the Mekong Delta I will try and post a review of the coming weeks. Expect an Apocalypse Now/ Platoon/ Ballad of the Green Berets feel to any further Wraps. Stay well and hope your team's song is the one sounding when the final siren goes.

Round Twenty-Two: The Wheat From The "Chaff"

And then there were eight. The final siren for 2007 has blown for half the sides in the competition, the wheat has been well and truly separated from the chaff (exactly what is "chaff", anyway?), and the finals are officially upon us. Round 22 is always a poignant round- many players are well aware that they are running around for the last time on an AFL field. Others no doubt have their suspicions that this could be the end but choose to believe that a good performance in a dead rubber Round 22 match may yet buy them another season- a strategy that has never worked once as far as I'm aware. Perhaps the players have come to realise this too and are increasingly choosing to depart with honour by retiring rather than risk the brutality of the off-season cut. I can't recall a season when so many players have called it quits at the end of the home and away season. Down at Melbourne it seemed as though there were more retiring Demons requiring escorting from the field on the shoulders of teammates than there were shoulders of teammates available to provide said escort services. I'd never even heard of some of the Melbourne players retiring- how long has Nathan Brown been at Melbourne? Doesn't he play for Richmond? Perhaps the Demon players were encouraged in their decision to pursue post-football careers by the fact that the club's exhaustive search for a coach for 2008 finally produced a result- ex-Don Dean Bailey (currently a Port assistant) came from the back of a crowded field to edge out his old coach Kevin Sheedy for the Dees gig. Bailey's playing career was fairly unremarkable and is probably most noticeable for its unfortunate timing. Bailey played at Essendon from 1986 to 1992, his career was bookended by the 1985 and 1993 premierships. D'oh! Similarly unfortunate was ex-Don and Power player Che Cockatoo-Collins, who arrived at Essendon in 1994 (right after the '93 triumph), went to Port prior to the Bombers' 2000 flag and left Port at the end of 2003, thereby missing the Power's inaugural premiership in 2004. But by far the unluckiest footballer of all time is ex-Magpie, Bomber and Saint Rene "The Incredible Hulk" Kink, who turned out for Collingwood in the losing Grand Final sides of 1977, 1979, 1980 and 1981, then transferred to Essendon in time for the 1983 Grand Final debacle before moving to St Kilda just in time to miss the Bombers' 1984 premiership. Kink also played a cameo role in the movie adaption of David Williamson's footy play "The Club"- well worth hiring out at your local video shop.

Round 22 2007 had shaped up as an absolute thriller, with three teams still in the running for the last finals spot. Unfortunately Adelaide's victory over Collingwood meant that St Kilda and Brisbane's seasons were effectively over by bedtime on Friday night, thereby ending the prospect of a nailbiting weekend. The loss also ended the Magpies' tilt at a final four spot with attendant double chance, the Pies instead will have to play a sudden death elimination final. For a time there was a strong possibility that they would be up against the Crows for a second successive week, but they will instead be taking on Sydney for the third time in 2007. The Swans belted the Hawks by 12 goals in their encounter, thus consigning Hawthorn to an elimination final against Adelaide.

The Saints may have had their finals chances ruined by the Crows victory, but were still able to end their season on a winning note by beating Richmond (not as easy as it seems- just ask Essendon or Collingwood). Cult hero and Jerry Seinfeld-lookalike Fraser Gehrig aka The G Train decided before the game to finish up, and left the field shirtless after presenting his jumper to a young Saints fan. More flesh was on display at the Gabba, where Cat Corey Enright was the victim of the most spectacular dacking of all time- check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6tpvgcMykQ To Enright's credit, he took the incident in his stride, running around in his jocks for what seemed like five minutes and even racking up a possession to the enthusiastic joy of the Brisbane crowd. The Cats leapt back to winning form with a straight forward win, and will now play the Carrararoos in a qualifying final after the Roos ensured their own top four finish with a win over the Western Bulldogs. The other qualifying final is between second place Port Adelaide and third place West Coast. The finishing order of the two sides was undetermined right up until the end of the round, both sides needed a big win to gain the requisite percentage to ensure at least one home final. The Power beat an undermanned Fremantle who dropped half a dozen players for the game, in part for disciplinary reasons and in part to screw their cross town rivals the Eagles. West Coast needed a big win against the Bombers in what was Sheedy and Hird's last red and black outing ever, and at three quarter time were looking pretty good at 44 points up. Essendon were every bit as disappointing as they were the previous round against Richmond. Then it all came together for the Bombers, who put together the best final quarter of football since Geelong's effort in the 1989 Grand Final. Much-maligned Bombers forward Scott Lucas hit a purple patch, booting a remarkable seven goals for the quarter as the Dons got to within three points of the panicking Eagles. Unfortunately, however, like the Cats of '89 the Bombers were unable to get across the line and their defeat instead will go down in the annals of heroic failure. At least an honourable defeat was a good way to farewell Sheedy and Hird, and the Eagles crowd gave them a respectful sending-off with the scarves waving. And the Bombers can take some satisfaction in the knowledge that they prevented West Coast from playing all of the finals bar the GF at Subiaco, they're going to have to earn the premiership the hard way now!

The round was completed by the unfortunately necessary playing of the Great Tank-Off match between Carlton and Melbourne, neither of whom stood to gain anything from winning but stood to lose preferential draft position if they did get across the line. The AFL continues to argue that tanking is a myth, but I think they're kidding themselves. Carlton fans on the weekend were loudly cheering every Lance Whitnall miss (there were many) and the eventual result of a Melbourne victory was universally popular. Carlton's mission to field an entire side of No. 1 draft picks can continue (although it didn't work too well for St Kilda a couple of years back), while the Demons were able to farewell their legion of retirees with a final hearty rendition of It's a Grand Old Flag.

So while the 8 survivors now move into finals mode, how to sum up the seasons of the eight sides voted off the AFL island? Through song titles! Some suggested titles:

9- St Kilda- Faraway (So Close!)- U2
10- Brisbane- The Rising - Bruce Springsteen
11- Fremantle- The Great Pretender- The Platters
12- Essendon- Don't Dream It's Over- Crowded House
13- Western Bulldogs- Short People- Randy Newman
14- Melbourne- anything by Snow Patrol
15- Carlton- Tanks for the Memory- Bob Hope
16- Richmond- The Only Way is Up- Yazz

Any better suggestions? Drop me a line. See you back here next week when we look at The Finals- Week One!

Round Twenty-One: The Living Dead Arrive

Spent the weekend in Melbourne- twenty-five degrees on both days! Not at all the Melbourne winter climate that I remember from days of yore. Is global warming really such a bad thing? The jury remains out. The reason for my trip down to Civilisation City was two-fold; to meet my delightful new niece (first impressions: small, pink and sleepy) and to catch up with the remainder of the clan; and to attend the final Victorian appearance in Essendon colours of legendary Bombers Kevin Sheedy and James Hird. More on that later. Returning to Melbourne provided me with a timely reminder that the Victorian media is absolutely obsessed with all things footy- if hordes of Shaun of the Dead-style zombies were marching down Spring Street biting chunks of flesh out of random bystanders, the Herald Sun headline would probably read, "The Living Dead Arrive in Melbourne: Port Adelaide Fans in Town Early for Finals?". Well, perhaps not. But there is certainly more football coverage here than in the non-traditional football state or territory where I currently reside, and this weekend the ravenous mob of journos had a huge story to get their teeth into. Once more the evil spectre of drugs raised its ugly head after Channel Seven breathlessly announced that they had come into the possession of confidential medical records of two players, which clearly indicated that the players concerned had taken illicit drugs. Channel Seven had obtained the records, it later emerged, by paying a woman $3000. The woman had apparently found the records in the gutter outside a medical clinic, and had touted them for sale to the media in order "to help the players". And if you believe that, there's a bridge for sale in Brooklyn at a crazy, crazy price! The AFL players' union was so disgusted by the actions of Channel Seven they instituted a media ban on the Channel which this column is happy to support. From now on I will not be speaking to any Channel Seven personality, particularly John Jarret from Better Homes and Gardens- not because of anything to do with the drugs business but because his performance in Wolf Creek has removed any chance of me driving in the outback ever, under any circumstances. And I won't be having him anywhere near my home and/or garden either!

On the field it was a mixed round- some close encounters, some beltings; some teams' chances came to an end, others shot right back into contention. The Western Bulldogs' season effectively ended after a pitiful second half display against Hawthorn led to an 84 point belting. And it could have been far worse, Hawk Lance "Buddy" Franklin kicked the astounding total of 2 goals 11 behinds! Carlton suffered a similar margin of defeat against the Carrararoos as the Roos' favourite son Glenn Archer broke the club games record. Given that it is an open secret that the Blues have been tanking for months now Archer would no doubt have expected his side to take the points, but even he must have been surprised by just how generous Carlton was prepared to be in ensuring that his milestone match was one to remember. And Fremantle, bleeding from multiple stab, gun shot and javelin wounds, picked themselves up of the canvas and are somehow still an outside chance of playing finals in 2007 after beating the hapless Demons by ten goals.

As tipped in the wrap last week, Geelong were due for a loss and it duly arrived at the hands of Port Adelaide who got up with the last kick of the day. Hopefully the Cats won't go into a form slump now. Port are engaged in a dog fight for second place along with West Coast, who similarly sneaked home in their match against St Kilda. The Saints are one of three genuine contenders (plus Freo) for the eight and last finals spot. The other two are Adelaide and Brisbane who played each other in Round 21, the Crows prevailed. Sydney went down in their match against Collingwood but other results conspired to guarantee them a spot in the finals anyway. Collingwood, Hawthorn and the Roos are all still a chance for the final top four spot.

I don't think there's ever been a crowd of 88,500 (or thereabouts) for a game between two sides as ordinary as Richmond and Essendon and there probably won't be ever again. The reason we were all out in force at the ridiculous starting time of 5.10PM on a Sunday night was to pay tribute to legendary Bomber coach Kevin Sheedy and greatest living player James Hird, both appearing for the last time in Victoria. The crowd was there, the weather was great, the pre-game highlights were tremendous, it was all set up for a worthy finish for the Essendon champs. Unfortunately however Richmond, unlike Carlton in Archer's match, had failed to read the script and insisted on playing their best game for the season to take the points (although Essendon were quite frankly pathetic). A disappointing way to end for Sheedy and Hird, although the game was still worth attending for the post-siren laps of honour by the two celebratees (and Hird's kids) in front of a crowd estimated to be around 88,475 (and boo to the 25 people who left early!). Sheedy took off anti-clockwise, Hird clockwise, they met and embraced in front of the Olympic Stand. Magic moment. I had been a bit concerned that the tribute put on by the AFL and/or Essendon would be a bit saccharine or otherwise embarrassing, but this wasn't the case. It was great that the fans had the chance to show their appreciation for many a great memory provided in years past, even if the game we had all just sat through had been a stinker. The AFL has stuffed up the entertainment many a time previously, I'm sure we all remember with stunned horror the 1991 Grand Final halftime show featuring Angry Anderson in the Batmobile- if not, here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M1ZEUiAEuw

So just one round to go in the home and away season, and the round ahead has some crackers. Port and West Coast both need a big win to sew up second place and home finals all the way, which is bad news for their opponents Freo and Essendon. Adelaide, St Kilda and Brisbane will be sweating on each others' results as they wait on the final spot in the eight. And with both Melbourne and Carlton needing to lose to ensure a preferable draft outcome, is the AFL set for its first ever scoreless draw? Find out back here next week.

Round Twenty: Fudging the Evidence

Just when you thought it was safe to go back onto Telstra Dome... Seven seasons ago, they struck without warning, leaving unsuspecting Bomber Mark Johnson in a bloodied heap and leading an infuriated Kevin Sheedy to call for his skeet rifle. They've bided their time since then, waiting patiently until another player was foolish enough to be caught alone in the middle of the field... and then, in a blur of claws and feathers, they attacked! The dreaded Telstra Dome seagulls strike again! This time the helpless victim was Docker Jeff Farmer, a man who is certainly no stranger to controversy, who was left sprawled across the pitch with his nose splayed across his face as the nearest opposition player jogged innocently away some distance from the scene. Amazingly, no TV camera caught the incident. If not the seagulls, then what else could have taken Farmer out? Did a piece of the Telstra Dome roof come loose, a la the set light at the start of The Truman Show? Was that security guard Farmer punched some weeks back sitting up in the stands with an air rifle? The AFL Tribunal chose not to believe any of these quite plausible scenarios, instead handing the nearest Saint Steven Baker a massive seven week suspension. Season over for Baker and the seagulls off scot-free, chuckling evilly away up in the rafters like John Jarrett in Wolf Creek. How long until they strike again?

Copping a massive sentence in the lead up to the finals is the latter-day equivalent of transportation for life, minus the rum, sodomy and lash (although what happens on the end of season footy tour stays on the end of season footy tour!). Another player copping a 19th century-style sentence was Magpie Ben Johnson, who is out for the season after he took out Demon Daniel Bell with a sickening hit reminiscent of Bomber legend Michael Long's astoundingly out of character assault on young then-Demon Troy "Snake" Simmonds in the 2000 Grand Final. The Johnson hit had the effect of firing up the previously sluggish Demons, who gave the out of form Magpies a real scare before Collingwood came away with the win. Melbourne were at least able to chair skipper and club games record holder David Neitz off with a bit more pride than they did Byron Pickett some weeks back after their woeful Manuka Oval display against Sydney. The bloke who really deserved a lengthy spell on the sidelines, however, appears to have gotten away like a Telstra Dome seagull- I'm referring to the appalling hit put on ex-Magpie and Roo Sav Rocca, now of the Philadelphia Eagles, by Antwan Barnes of the Baltimore Ravens- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6U6bMPpIIc -deliberate contact to the head of an unsuspecting player while the ball is miles from the scene, that should have been season over for Barnes right there. A Rocca Knocker Shocker, you might say.

Perhaps, however, the American NFL judiciary has a similarly skewed system of justice as our own AFL Tribunal. It would appear that the seemingly ubiquitous Rocca Family are to be the holders of the unwelcome title of Last Key Player to be Rubbed Out for the Grand Final Ever- Anthony Rocca's suspension for the 2003 Grand Final playing no small part in Collingwood's hilariously dire performance as previously documented on this site. The AFL's displeasure with such a one-sided decider would explain Lions gun Jonathan Brown getting off on a technicality in 2004 and, in the most risible slash glaringly transparent verdict of all time, Barry Hall being allowed to play in 2005. Hall escaped suspension after whacking Saint Matt Maguire in the stomach with the ball nowhere in sight after the tribunal ruled that the action, illegal and dirty as it was, was somehow related to the flow of play. Don't even try and find logic in that one. Hall was simply too important to the Swans for the AFL to allow him to be absent on the big day. This Untouchables policy would also seem to apply to players in genuine contention for the Brownlow Medal- the AFL wants no repeats of the Corey McKernan/ Chris Grant embarrassments of '96/'97. Earlier this year Eagles golden boy Chris Judd, then in scintillating form, found himself before the tribunal on the unsavoury charge of eye-gouging Hawk Campbell Brown. To universal delight Judd, who is seemingly the only player on the entire West Coast list whom a prospective father in law wouldn't greet at the front door with a shotgun, was cleared. Last week Brown admitted on one of the many TV footy shows to fudging his evidence to ensure Judd got off, and was promptly fined $7500 for providing unsatisfactory evidence! Now really. What happened to the long standing tradition of not dobbing another player in at the tribunal? Nobody ever gives accurate evidence! You can imagine the tribunal members sitting around like Captain Renault in Casablanca, saying with straight faces- "We're shocked! Shocked! To discover that there has been fibbing going on in here". Talk about an open and shut case- the only bust in history that would have been easier would have been that cop who did Willy Nelson for marijuana possession some months back- incidentally, how come Cheech and Chong never got busted? Or Woody Harrellson? Or the cast of Reefer Madness? Check it out here- those people shouldn't be out on the street! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bM_vLk1I6G4

Brown's fine was part of a dismal week for the Hawks, who were also fined for having an illegal camera operating at their game (pity there wasn't one at the St Kilda-Freo match, those seagulls would have finally got their just desserts!) and then blew their match in Tassie against Port by conceding two goals in the last 30 seconds. Could be an expensive loss, considering how tight the battle is for top four spots. Port are now in pole position to take one of those spots, as are West Coast who recorded a straight forward victory over wooden spoon certainties Richmond at Subiaco. Geelong of course sewed up their top four spot some time ago and are now several games clear at the top of the ladder after a shaky win over the Carrarraroos. The Roos have now dropped three in a row, but should be able to pick up some points, form and confidence in the weeks leading into the finals. The Cats have now gone undefeated since their loss in Round 5- a club record within a single season- and the bubble of expectation continues to expand in the Corio Bay area. I recall it was around about this time of the year that the Almost Invincibles Bombers side of 2000 dropped a match unexpectedly- don't be at all surprised if the Cats happen to lose either this week or next.

One team quite adept at dropping matches is Carlton, without a win since Round 11. Carlton's latest tank came against the Bombers, who came from five goals down to take the points. Not quite as impressive a comeback as the Blues managed in the corresponding fixture earlier in the season but still a good result. Skipper Matthew Lloyd provided one for the highlights reel with an audacious backheel goal. As mentioned earlier Freo and St Kilda played off, the Saints took the points and thus finally ended the Dockers' finals chances. Freo have been like a hammy Shakespearean actor performing a death scene for months now, staggering around the stage, falling to their knees, recovering briefly but now seemingly finally at rest. Thank God. The Western Bulldogs too are in line to exit stage left after they went down to Adelaide, the Crows season still alive for the moment. Also holding on by the skin of their teeth are the Brisbane Lions, who salvaged their second draw of the season courtesy of a massive bomb from well outside the fifty by Jonathan Brown to severely damage Sydney's chances of stealing a top four spot.

So just two rounds of the regular season to go and we're all approaching fever pitch, whether our team is looking at their first flag since the black and white era; still in contention for a top four or top eight finish; or simply tanking their way to future glory. Take it easy over the weekend- watch out for seagulls and if you're in the mood for a quiet bevvy before the footy, why not try this place- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvFormOyvBQ I don't know if they show footy, but there's darts at least! See you back here for the Round 21 wrap.

Round Nineteen: From Mateship to Mardi Gras

Some excellent news and some slightly sad news came my way over the last week. The good news first- with the aid of a well-placed surgical incision my sister successfully delivered a healthy baby girl last week, thereby giving all members of her extended family new and improved titles. I am now officially known as Uncle Stu. Having never been an uncle before I have had to do some research to try and work out exactly what an uncle's job is, and have considered the examples of various celebrity uncles. According to the examples presented by radio personality Uncle Doug Mulray and Comedy Company stalwart Uncle Arthur my job is simply to be an embarrassment. Shouldn't be too difficult to achieve. The Uncle Charlie from My Three Sons school dictates that being a cantankerous old prick is the way to go; while to follow the lead of Uncle Leo from Seinfeld I will need to exuberantly greet my niece at every opportunity, before proceeding to unfavourably compare her achievements to that of her horse-faced cousin Jeffrey (who works for the Parks Department). Possibly a tad difficult to pull off, that one. However the Uncle in the public eye who I would most like to emulate is the late Uncle Doug Elliot, the much-loved vaudevillian whose booming stentorian tones introduced World of Sport for many years. Uncle Doug also did many of the live ads- check out some of his best work here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3wzV7rGVwM. Clark Kent glasses? Check. Shakespearean thespian-style delivery? Check. Ability (and motivation) to throttle Lou Richards? Check and check. Bring on the kid!

The sad news referred to earlier is that the venerable Naughtons Hotel, the downfall of many a Melbourne University student, has closed its doors and is no more. As an unruly member of an unruly residential college in the mid-1990s, I undoubtedly spent more time (and unquestionably more effort) on ensuring that the pub remained solvent than I did on any of the subjects I was ostensibly studying. Mind you, anyone else with the unpleasant experience of dealing with the byzantine gnomes of the Arts Faculty bureaucracy and/or the communist (Marxist-Leninist) nutbags teaching the ideologically esoteric raft of subjects (Politics 102-210: From Mateship to Mardi Gras, anyone?) would unquestionably agree that I was in the better place. Others who agreed that Naughto's was the place to be were the 1995 Carlton premiership team, who famously celebrated long and hard there after belting the Cats in the Grand Final. The most memorable image of their celebrations featured mulleted skipper (and current board member) Stephen Kernahan belting out "Stand By Your Man" by the side of Royal Parade, before hurling his empty glass into the street. Enjoy it here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzA2nFklDo4.

The latter-day Blues did little on the weekend to allay ongoing suspicions of tanking- they started in Keystone Cops-style to allow Port Adelaide a match-winning lead, belted on 8 unanswered goals third quarter goals to hit the front and make the fans happy, then mysteriously faded to record their third honourable defeat in a row (thus keeping them in contention for a priority pick). Carlton face a difficult task this weekend when they face the stuttering Bombers- satisfactory win over an old rival or keep the pick? The Bombers' season continues to unravel, they were soundly beaten in the west by a rejuvenated Fremantle under the leadership of ex-Don Mark Harvey. Freo's week got even better later in the week when superstar skipper Matthew Pavlich signed on for another three years in the (probably mistaken) hope and belief that he would become the club's first premiership captain. I must admit to being a bit disappointed at Pav's decision. I have been hoping for some time that he would end up at Collingwood in a surprise exchange for lumbering forward Anthony Rocca, with the deal to be announced by Magpies CEO Eugene Arocca under the banner headline- "Arocca: Rocca Docker Shocker!" Oh well. Rocca's brother Sav incidentally continues to make great gains towards obtaining a starting position as a kicker at the Philadelphia Eagles, a contract worth squillions of dollars. This raises an interesting question- if Irish players are leaving Ireland en masse for the cash of the AFL, and AFL players are looking at the gold on offer in the US, how soon until the first Irishman cuts out the middle man and goes directly to the NFL? Although going directly from the round ball to the extremely pointy one without a bit of experience in kicking a slighty pointy one might prove a stumbling block there.

The Pies themselves suffered a shock defeat against the universally-written off Tigers, this could be the second year in a row in which a late season loss to a lowly opponent costs Collingwood a top four finish. The match was notable for the fact that at one point Tigers skipper Kane Johnson appeared both on TV and live at the match to be transforming into the Incredible Hulk while lining up for goal- perhaps disappointingly to comic book fans it turned out to be merely the work of some idiot in the stands with a green laser doing his best to permanently blind someone. Hopefully that same laser is now providing a vivid green hue in an uncomfortable part of its owner's anatomy courtesy of some suitably outraged supporter.

Another shock result was the hitherto hapless Demons shooting back into some late season form to comfortably account for the massively disappointing Bulldogs. The Dogs came into 2007 as the Great Victorian Hope but have never really looked like it this year. Maybe the recruitment of Jason Akermanis has proved more of a distraction than a benefit. Who knows. The Dogs are still alive but only just, as are the Saints, Crows and Lions. All four lost on the weekend but thanks to the vagaries of the 2007 draw they are all still in contention. The Saints lost to the Swans, who are gaining forward momentum with every passing week. The Crows went down to the Cats, who if they gain any more forward momentum will roll clear off the map. The Lions looked resplendent in the old Fitzroy strip against Hawthorn but unfortunately they evidently subconsciously adopted the old Fitzroy game plan too and their winning streak came to a halt. The Hawks are now the second-best team to beat, although that position has been a bit of a revolving door in recent weeks. Two former occupants, West Coast and the Carrararoos, fought out a tough one on the weekend from which the Eagles emerged victorious. The Roos are now out of the top four for the first time in quite a while but can still get back if they're good enough.

So with the weather getting better and spring on the horizon, we approach Round 20. More shocks in store? Almost certainly. So be sure to join Uncle Stu back here next week for more tenuously-football related discussion- and be sure to get a Repco Gold Star engine fitted straight away!

Round Eighteen: Floats Like a Butterfly

Thanks to the wonders of the internet and an incorrigible talent for procrastination in the workplace, I have discovered what must be the most instantly addictive sports song ever composed- Black Superman by Johnny Wakelin and the Kinshasa Band. Check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqMk-AuTDZE, you'll be humming it for days I swear. For sheer musicality it easily surpasses "Up There Cazaly" or anything else in the broad Mike Brady repertoire and even, although I'm loathe to admit this, "Deep In Our Hearts Everyone Barracks For Fitzroy" by genial Coodabeens strummer Greg Champion. The song is, of course, a tribute to sporting legend Muhammed Ali- one of the towering figures of the 20th century, in both sporting and political terms. His talent in the ring is one thing- there weren't too many on the same page as The Greatest. This is back in the era before heavyweight boxing joined professional wrestling, weightlifting and Tour de Farce cycling as sports with no credibility whatsoever. Ali's overall influence is something else again. Long before Kevin Sheedy came onto the scene Ali was reaching well beyond his sporting mandate and into the political sphere through the sheer force of his personality. He was disgracefully suspended from boxing for a period due to his refusal to serve in the US Armed Forces during the Vietnam War- his famous comments "No Viet Cong ever called me nigger" has become one of the iconic quotes of the civil rights era. On his comeback he became the second boxer ever to recover the then indisputed world heavyweight crown in the classic Rumble in the Jungle fight against unbackable favourite George Foreman, before Freeman went on to become the master of the fat-free grill. This fight is brilliantly covered in the Oscar-winning documentary "When We Were Kings"- if you haven't seen it then run, don't walk, to your local DVD/video library and hire it immediately. The most entertaining sports doco you will ever see, even better than "The Year of the Dogs" featuring my old Cairo mate Dan Southern. The Fresh Prince did a reasonable job of playing Ali in the movie of the same name but nobody could play the Man as well as the Man himself. It's fascinating not only to see the sheer energy of the pre-Parkinsons Ali in the lead-up to the fight and in the ring playing rope-a-dope with Foreman, but also to see the then Zaire in its wacky Mobutu Sese Seko nutbag era. Mobutu spent some outrageous sum of money to get the fight- probably a fair proportion of the country's GDP for the entire decade- and then didn't actually attend, watching it at home on CCTV (with Ugandan psychopath Idi Amin, if the movie version is accurate). The beleaguered Zaireans loved the outspoken Ali- the chant of "Ali, bomaye! (Ali, kill him!) was ubiquitous during his stay in the country. It is a matter of historical debate whether the Zaireans were requesting that Ali kill Foreman or their larcenous head of state Mobutu, who was building giant palaces out in the jungle and holidaying in Cannes while the population desperately tried to eke out some kind of a living. Talk about a bad run- imagine surviving the hand-chopping bastardry of the Belgian colonial era (and a visit from an imperialist Tintin) and then copping as a leader one of the worst kleptomaniacs in history wearing a gay-looking leopard skin hat! No wonder Ali was a welcome distraction. I supported DR Congo in their 2006 African Nations Cup soccer campaign (held in Egypt), partly in solidarity with the Congolese people and their tragic history and partly because their European coach was a dead ringer for the bloke who plays Wormtail in the Harry Potter movies.

So what does any of that have to do with AFL football? Two somewhat tenuous connections- Ali got a standing ovation from a misty-eyed crowd at the 1998 Grand Final; and he was also famed for his incredibly quick wit and comic timing during press conferences. As is Kevin Sheedy and, it surprisingly emerges, his previously taciturn ex-assistant Mark Harvey, now the acting coach at the Dockers. Freo have been mooting the possibility of getting Sheedy to act in a managerial role while retaining Harvey as coach. When this was put to Harvey in a press conference he responded that he had heard that Sheedy had been offered a number of jobs, including a part-time role in "Kath and Kim" and the management of the Partridge Family in the place of Reuben Kincaid! Comic gold. If lines like that weren't already enough to secure Harvey the Freo gig for 2008, he led the unlikely Dockers to a stirring victory in the Derby match against hated foes West Coast. Fortunately firey Docker Des Headland was out injured, thus preventing a potentially violent rematch with familially sledging Eagle Adam Selwood. Freo star Josh Carr was best on ground, thus providing newspaper headline writers with any number of gratifying possibilities- "Runaway Carr!" was one good example, "Carr-riffic!" a less successful attempt.

While Harvey's quips were met with universal applause, his fellow caretaker Mark Riley's venture onto the comedy circuit met with less success. Riley had given ex-Roo and Powerite Byron Pickett the honour of captaining Melbourne in his 200th game against Sydney at historic Manuka Oval, only for Pickett to win the toss and kick into the wind- quarter time Sydney five goals to nil and the game all but over. When asked about Pickett's odd decision later Riley quipped that it was possibly the result of an "indigenous instinct". Cue the tumbleweeds and howling coyote, not the best road Riley could have gone down at a time when indigenous issues and sensitivies are very much on the Australian political agenda. Pickett wasn't too bothered though. And Melbourne definitely have bigger problems to worry about, they were absolutely woeful in front of a small but appreciative crowd including myself and my Magpie brother-in-law. Sydney are coming good at the right time of the year, they'll do some damage come finals time.

Also woeful were Essendon against Hawthorn at the 'G, getting soundly flogged. My Hawk brother-in-law didn't make it to the game, being otherwise engaged in pacing the corridors of the maternity hospital where my sister's first-born was stubbornly refusing to exit its comfortable premises. Five days later and the kid still hasn't emerged. Hopefully some time this weekend we'll have a satisfactory resolution and I can pass out the cigars. Essendon's decision to axe Sheedy but let him coach out the season is starting to look a bit dodgy as the Dons didn't show any passion at all. At the start of the season if you'd offered Bombers fans nine wins including consecutive one pointers over last year's Grand Finalists we probably would have taken it, but after looking so good early on it's disappointing to see the side down with the also-runs again. Always next year!

Two topics of a controversial nature dominated the airwaves this week- the first was the question of "tanking" ie. throwing matches in order to obtain early draft picks. The very notion was loudly disclaimed by all and sundry, but for some reason Carlton keep losing from winnable positions while key players are taken off early...this time the Blues matched Collingwood for three quarters before mysteriously fading away. If the Blues don't win again they'll take the first priority pick, which must be enormously frustrating for Tigers fans who have suffered through an abysmal season and now probably won't even get the number one draft pick. Probably just as well, Richmond are not exactly famous for using the number one draft picks wisely, Richard Lounder anyone? Anthony Banik? The Tiges did show signs of improvement in their rematch against the Cats, recording an 87 point improvement on the first match to lose by a mere 70. The odds on a Richmond win were apparently the biggest in AFL history, for good reason as it turned out. The highlight of the match was Cats ruckman Steven King's goal-line screamer- over the goal umpire! Not since field umpire Peter Carey took a chest mark in a Freo- St Kilda game has an umpire played such a great cameo in an AFL match.

The other issue of discussion was brought about by motormouthed Lion turned Bulldog Jason Akermanis- or "Yakermanis", as he's been dubbed by wags in the Murdoch press- who wrote a column suggesting that he suspected an opponent in a match some years back had been on some form of performance-enhancing substance. Aker didn't name the opponent, but the press did- Michael Braun of the West Coast Eagles, the same bloke who shot to fame early on in 2007 by delivering a profanity-laced acceptance speech in the Derby match against Freo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPNIf4vMc-I, the stunned commentators reactions are priceless). Naturally enough Braun denied the allegations, and West Coast officials were somehow able to keep straight faces while saying how outrageous it was to insinuate an Eagles player had used an illicit substance... A backlash ensued against Akermanis, for a time there was the ludicrous possibility that the first player to be banned under the AFL drugs code would be the bloke who suggested someone else might be using, but fortunately sanity has so far prevailed in that regard.

Aker's Bulldogs went into their Friday night match against the Saints knowing that they could not afford to lose, and duly didn't. They didn't win either though, this game resulted in the second draw of the 2007 season after Saints star Nick Reiwoldt tied the scores with a behind in the final seconds. The big winners from this game were the Brisbane Lions, who had previously boasted a huge but irrelevant percentage courtesy of their own draw with Richmond earlier on. All of a sudden that percentage is right back in play, and after the Lions accounted for "local rivals" the Cararraroos it was good enough to propel them into the eight after they had looked gone for all money a month or so ago. Also still alive are the Adelaide Crows, who came from behind in their Showdown match against Port to take the points in the wet.

So as we head into the final month of the home and away season there's still many questions to be answered. Will Carlton tank again? Is Mark Harvey available to MC bucks nights and bar mitzvahs? Will I ever get that Muhammed Ali song out of my head? Can my niece or nephew find the correct exit? Find out back here next week as the Wrap tackles Round Nineteen.

Round Seventeen: The Black and White Cycle of Life

An amazing week just gone- not a single coach was shown the door! Following the absolute carnage in the fortnight preceding, this was a remarkable achievement. In the absence of any further bloodletting, the media's focus was firmly on the possible coaching permutations for season 2008. There was general consensus that Michael Voss would end up at Carlton (if he didn't go to Essendon), Chris Connolly was a shoe-in at Melbourne (provided the Dees didn't go with Kevin Sheedy), Fremantle would definitely go with an ex-Bomber in the form of Kevin Sheedy, Neale Daniher or Mark Harvey (as long as Dean Laidley couldn't be lured from the Carrararoos), and Essendon would be coached by a favourite son in Mark "Bomber" Thompson (if he was willing to leave the Cats, if not then by Neale Daniher. Or Mark Harvey, Dean Bailey, Damien Hardwick or maybe Derek Kickett). Then Voss decided he wasn't ready to coach just yet and Thompson refused to negotiate with anyone until season's end, thus throwing the carefully prepared coaching matrix into chaos. God knows who's going to end up where now. There's still a possibility that the rebel army of disaffected Bombers will seize control of the board and reinstate Sheedy with the view to grooming retiring skipper and possibly best-ever Bomber James Hird for the job. Will keep a close eye on further developments in the area of coaching appointments as they continue to unfold.

I wrote with nostalgia last week about my great childhood memory of seeing my team redeem themselves by avenging a Grand Final defeat. I'm well aware that I'm very fortunate in this regard, there are a lot of supporters out there my age who wouldn't have seen their team play in a Grand Final at all (Bulldogs), or who are waiting in vain for their side to atone for disappointment on the last day in September (Saints, Tigers, Demons, and especially Cats). The Cats were a tad unfortunate in their hapless Buffalo Bills-style Grand Final appearances of the early 1990s in that they kept on coming up against sides who had their own defeat-based motivations for winning. Geelong's attempt in 1992 to redeem their 1989 defeat was stymied by West Coast, seeking salvation for their own defeat the year before. The Cats of 1994 had the responsibility for gaining revenge for the '92 defeat, as well as '89, but got flogged. Fronting up the next year carrying the combined weight of the '89, '92 and '94 losses, the Pivotonians were never a chance against a Blues team wanting to make amends for their '93 defeat against Essendon (who'd gone down in '90). The Cats were soundly thumped again and slunk off into a corner to lick their wounds for the next decade. Until this season, when they're back at the right end of the ladder again and seemingly heading inexorably towards the Big Match. The way it's looking, though, their opponents could well be their old '90s bugbear the West Coast Eagles...I'm sure there'd be more than a few nervous Geelong people if that does end up being the Grand Final match-up.

But if Geelong folk have had their fair share of Grand Final disappointment spare a thought for those in the Black and White army. Contrary to popular opinion, there are some quite ordinary and decent citizens who happen to follow the Collingwood Football Club. My brother-in-law is one, my ex-boss in Cairo another (despite his unfortunate penchant for sporting the kind of garish ties that even flamboyant former Minister for Immigration Al Grassby would have rejected on sight as being "a bit lairy"). But the stereotypical image of Magpies fans- bitter, twisted, one-eyed, arrogant when winning, churlish when losing, insufferable in either case- is largely accurate from my experience. My late unlamented co-habitor Surly the Slightly Unsociable Housemate was one such case; the kind of character, as Rowan Atkinson once archly observed, one emigrates to avoid. But, like snarling malcontents on dismal English council estates, Collingwood people cannot be held completely responsible for their objectionable personalities. Consider, if you will, the childhood of a hypothetical Magpie supporter conceived at half-time of the 1970 Grand Final (I'm sure there were at least a couple!) by parents who had suffered through the narrow defeats of '64 and '66 and who were sure that a 44 point buffer at the long break would surely be enough to declare the premiership drought over. Two quarters later, the post-coital glow had well and truly faded as a handball-inspired revolution had swept Carlton past their shell-shocked opponents and onto the premiership dais in one of the most famous matches in history. Deep inside the womb the barely fertilised fetus was overwhelmed by a sense of sour disappointment, a feeling that would become all too familiar over the years to come. Growing up, the young 'Pie would have endured the club's first ever wooden spoon ('76); the dizziness of bouncing back the following season and making the Grand Final, only to draw it and then lose the replay; the heartbreak of losing to Carlton again in '79 by five points; the thrill of making the Grand Final from fifth place in '80 only to cop an 81 point hiding; and then the shattering experience of losing to Carlton again in '81. That's a lot to cop for an 11 year old. By the time the Magpies made the breakthrough in '90 and finally won a flag, our hypothetical fan was already 20 and his regulation issue Collingwood personality set in stone.

No doubt the unthinkable pleasures unleashed by seeing his team actually perform on Grand Final led to a repeat performance of siring a son and heir, although given the entertainment provided by the half-time brawl romantic interaction was probably delayed until after the fulltime siren had actually sounded. This latest addition to the Carringbush Clan would have grown up with the Magpies at the wrong end of the ladder, taking their second wooden spoon in '99. However by the time junior reached high school in '02 the Pies were back in the Grand Final action against Brisbane- they lost, but gallantly. When the two sides met again 12 months later the Collingwood army was salivating in anticipation of sweet revenge...but it all went horribly wrong. I've mentioned the '03 Grand Final before in the Wrap as it is one of the most remarkable matches you'll ever see- Collingwood looked like the Washington Generals playing the Harlem Globetrotters. It wouldn't have surprised at all if Brisbane skipper Michael Voss had pulled out a stepladder and taken a speccie over some hapless defender before spinning the ball on his finger and doing an overhead kick through the sticks. The most iconic moment of the game came when Pies defender Rhys Shaw attempted to run the ball out of defence but inexplicably dropped the ball at the feet of Lion Alistair Lynch, who nonchalantly picked it up and booted it through. Game over. Another Grand Final lost, another shattering experience for Magpies fans of all ages. And the most amazing thing about the match was the fact that the same two sides had met two weeks previously and Collingwood had won easily. It must have been deja vu all over again for Pies fans on the weekend because they again went in to play Brisbane at the MCG as firm favourites and got absolutely belted by 90-odd points. After looking good for a top two finish only a month ago Collingwood are now staring down the barrel of missing the finals altogether. Still, sooner or later Collingwood will be in the Grand Final again and either win it or look as though they might, and a whole new generation of Magpies will be conceived to endure their own September disappointments. That's how the black and white cycle of life goes.

It was a weekend of shellackings all round, the Bulldogs copped their second straight Friday night hiding and tumbled out of the eight courtesy of their mangled percentage. This time the frighteningly resurgent Eagles were the instigators in a match marred by the ridiculous decision to allow West Coast to wear their royal blue away jumpers against a team with a royal blue home jumper. Which colour-blind idiot approved that one? How hard is it to make sure that the two teams are wearing distinguishable uniforms? Port Adelaide likewise beat up on the hapless Demons, putting a dent in caretaker Mark Riley's chances of retaining his position at Melbourne. His fellow caretaker Mark Harvey (at Fremantle) also suffered a big loss at the hands of rampant Geelong, Cats fans were no doubt relieved that the resignation of Number 1 fan Steve Bracks as Premier of Victoria did not jinx the side. Bracks' resignation, incidentally, got about a quarter of the press of Kevin Sheedy's sacking, Victorians have their priorities right! Sydney took the points without breaking a sweat against the continually dismal Richmond.

There were a few close ones too- the Bombers won for Kevin Sheedy, as we had all hoped they would. Adelaide, wearing red jumpers for some unapparent reason, were the fall guys and are now a game behind the pace although they do have a very good percentage. Carlton were much improved under caretaker Brett Ratten but the Saints had enough in reserve to take the four points. And Hawthorn's Fortress Launceston was breached by the massively surprising Carrararoos, who are responsible for widespread indigestion amongst many a tipster forced to eat his or her hat.

God that's a long post! Hope some of that made sense. Another weekend looms, and it is fair to say that the 2007 finals series is well under way already with a number of games being absolute must-wins. The battle to take part in the September action is one of the closest in years and August promises to be a belter of a month. Hope your team's a winner (unless you're a Magpie fan, for whom suffering is good for the soul), see you back here for Round 18.

Round 17: Bring me the Heads of the Essendon Board!

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos, and with muffled drum,
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come....

Sorry to get all literary (WH Auden, see Four Weddings and a Funeral) this week, but the sacking of Denis Pagan from Carlton moved me in a way that surprised even myself. So you can imagine my reaction when two days later Kevin Sheedy got the boot from Essendon after 27 years! Like most Bombers fans I went through the full gamut of emotions- anger, disbelief, shock, rage, apoplexy, nostalgia, wrath, grim foreboding, mild gratification (when I opened a letter from the Department of Revenue telling me I had received a $7000 First Home Buyers Grant, not strictly relevant to the Kevin Sheedy issue really) and finally a dull acceptance. Luckily I was in a non-footballing state or territory, down in Melbourne the talkback lines were spontaneously combusting and mobs of enraged red and black partisans were marching on Windy Hill with flaming torches demanding the heads of the Essendon Football Club board on platters. Such sentiments are understandable when you consider that Sheedy had been at the Bombers' helm since 1981- in that time his former club Richmond has been coached by (deep breath)- Tony Jewell, Francis Bourke, Mike Patterson, Paul Sproule, Tony Jewell (again), Kevin Bartlett, Allan Jeans, John Northey, Robert Walls, Jeff Gieschen, Danny Frawley and now Terry Wallace. Many Bombers supporters (myself included) have not known Essendon under any other coach (Barry Davis was the last one, trivia buffs take note), to say nothing of the players who have spent their entire careers under him. Sheedy came to office in 1981, the same year that Ronald Reagan came into the White House, Bucks Fizz won the Eurovision Song Contest for the UK, Prince Charles married Diana, Belize became independent, and Hosni Mubarak became President of Egypt. Only Mubarak has matched Sheedy for staying power (although my personal theory is that an animatronic version of Mubarak has been operating via remote control for some time now) and none of the above can claim to have been anywhere near as successful (Cold War, Shmold War!). Sheedy's amazing on-field record and accomplishments have been well documented- four day premierships from seven Grand Finals, six night flags, a positive win-loss percentage against every other club bar Port Adelaide- but it is his contribution to changing the face of the game from a small parochial suburban competition to a truly national game that will be his lasting memorial (not that he's dead or anything!) People who take the stance that Sheedy was "just a football coach" are missing the point- Denis Pagan was just a football coach (albiet a very, very good one). Sheedy was an icon not just of Essendon or the AFL but of the entire nation. His efforts to promote indigenous players have earned him a place of pride in Aboriginal Australia, while his moves to build up Anzac Day through the annual Essendon-Collingwood match have contributed to the resurgence of interest in the day from its previously moribund state. His departure from the Bombers really is the end of an era. I myself commemorated Sheedy Regicide Day with a sixpack of James Boags and a re-viewing of the last quarter of the 1984 Grand Final, one of my most cherished childhood moments. For an eight year old kid to see his team launch the mother of all comebacks to snatch glory from the side which had traumatised it (and him) 12 months earlier provided evidence that there was after all some justice in life, and sometimes the good guys won. And to think I only learnt this valuable life lesson because Sheedy moved Billy Duckworth and Paul Weston into the forward line! Vale Sheeds, you'll be sadly missed.
Hard now to remember what actually took place on the weekend just gone given the massive events that followed but I'll do my best. My recollections are made even more hazy by the fact that I had a Saturday night out in Sydney of the kind that can only be pieced together in the cold light of the following day by signed witness statements and closed circuit television footage... I was lucky enough to miss Australia's sporting Black Saturday, in which the Wallabies, Socceroos and netballers (do they have a nickname?) all went down like nine-pins. I was also blissfully unaware that over in Perth Brownlow medallist and allegedly reformed crystal methamphetamine addict Ben Cousins was making a stunning return to the game against the Eagles' mighty rivals the Swans. Cousins looked (I am assured) as if he'd never been away as he racked up 38 touches in the Eagles' 12 point win- 12 points being the total accumulated margin for the previous five matches between the two sides. I was aware that the Bombers had gone down earlier in the day to Collingwood but chose to pretend that I wasn't. All too depressing.
The Friday night game provided further evidence that Geelong is a very, very good team in 2007. They steamrolled the Bulldogs in the final quarter, shattering the Doggies' spirit after three quarters of hard slog and doing serious damage to their percentage into the bargain. It's all looking rosy down at Catland just now, although they must be a tad concerned that their coach "Bomber" Thompson is out of contract and there are now four cashed-up clubs looking for a new coach (well, three with cash and Melbourne).
One of those clubs is Fremantle, who gave another ex-Bomber the chance to make his coaching debut away to Adelaide. And he was able to get a most unexpected win first up as the Dockers accounted for tipsters' nightmare side the Crows. All money in the bank in terms of getting a senior job somewhere next year. Demons' interim coach Mark Riley suffered a loss in his match against the Carrararoos who are unbelievably up to second place after being written off by all and sundry pre-season. The only highlight for the Dees was a possible mark of the year to young star Matthew Newton (not to be confused with Bert's woman-bashing son). And up at the Gabba the woefully unsuccessful five year stewardship of Denis Pagan came to an appropriate end with a 117 point belting by the Lions, after which the plug was pulled to the general relief of all. Carlton under Pagan have not improved in the slightest over the five years, unless you count the two Let's Throw the Victorian Clubs a Bone Cups and their infuriating habit of beating Essendon every year. Pagan can take solice in the fact that in future years he will probably be remembered more for his two premierships at North than for his five forgettable years at Princes' Park. After all, not too many people remember the "Messiah Years" at Melbourne when Ron Barassi's coaching career is recalled. Jonathon Brown broke the Brisbane goalkicking record for a single match with a lazy ten.
Two other games rounded out Round 16- Port easily accounted for the hapless Richmond in Tiger legend Matthew Richardson's 250th, the Power moving into the top four. And rapidly rising St Kilda took the points over rapidly declining Hawthorn in the rematch of the Worst Game Ever between the two sides played earlier in the season. Thankfully this match was a far less dire affair, although that's not setting the bar particularly high as the first match was a stinker par excellence.
So a historic week in the annals of AFL history. An era has ended at Essendon, although Sheedy will be staying on until the end of the season (watch us win the premiership now after a late charge!) It has been a rare season for coaching carnage- a quarter of those who started the season are now out of a job. Will there be more to come? Can Ben Cousins stay on the wagon? Will Richmond win again this year? Can anyone beat Geelong? All these questions and more to be answered in weeks to come, here at your one-stop footywrap shop.

Round Fifteen: A brilliant move by the comrades

In recent years there has been much doom and gloom in the Garden State of Victoria over the inept performances of its various footballing outfits. No Vic team has won the premiership since the Bombers' glorious all-conquering performance of 2000; no Vic team has even made the Grand Final since Collingwood's hilariously woeful turn in 2003- the closest thing you'll ever see to a forfeit in a match in which both teams have actually turned up and are out there on the ground at the same time. Last year the Victorians couldn't even get as far as preliminary final weekend- you know you're in trouble when the Fremantle Dockers' season remains alive when your team is off causing merry booze-fuelled mayhem on a post-season jaunt in some underprepared South-East Asian resort. Such haplessness led at the start of the season to suggestions of a football inquest to find the reason why the interstaters were carrying away all the silverware every season (with the dishonourable exception of the preseason "Let's Throw the Victorian Clubs a Bone Cup"). But fifteen rounds in all plans of that nature have been shelved- it's the Vic clubs way out in front and at this stage looking odds-on to break the premiership/ Grand Final appearance duck (although Richmond, Melbourne and Carlton are carrying on the proud tradition of Big V incompetence).

The side leading the charge are of course the Geelong Cats, flagless since 1963 (although they were perennial bridesmaids in the early 1990s). After the disappointment of last season, when they were raging favourites after winning the LTTVCAB cup but didn't make it to September, the Pivotonians have swept all before them this season and are sitting on top by several games and a truckload of percentage courtesy primarily of their usual whipping boys the Richmond Tigers. Excitement down at Sleepy Hollow has reached fever pitch, and we're still in July. The Cats featured in the match of Round 15, a rare Saturday afternoon fixture at the MCG against the similarly resurgent Magpies. This encounter represented the biggest home and away match in Victoria since the Close Enough to Invincible Dons of 2000 took on arch-rivals Carlton. So you can imagine the righteous rage that flew into the hearts of the good denizens of Catland when they turned up at the railway station eager to travel to the capital for the big game only to discover that the transport union had decided to call a train strike for that day! And people say that the unions are out of touch with ordinary people. Brilliant move, comrades, an entire city converted instantly into rabid Thatcherites. If the Howard Government sneaks back into office this year courtesy of a single seat located in the Corio Bay area we'll know who to blame!

Luckily however most of the Feline army made it to the MCG courtesy of a fleet of buses and were thus able to witness their team extend their winning streak to ten games with a narrow but convincing win over the Magpies. They're clearly the team to beat. Hawthorn moved into second place with a straightforward win over the lowly Tigers, while 2007 surprise packet the Carrararoos shot into third with a gritty 2 point away victory over the stuttering Dockers. The defeat proved the deathknell for Freo coach Chris Connolly (as predicted here last week) who called it quits after the loss. Connolly was probably destined to depart the Purple Haze sooner or later given how disappointing the Dockers have been this year, but can blame the dodgy kicking style of defender Scott Thornton for the ultimate Roos defeat- Thornton missed a sitter from 30 metres out with a minute to go which would have put Freo in front. Freo's shocking week culminated with serial fool Jeff Farmer's latest indiscretion- smashing someone's parked car in front of security guards- which could see him drummed out of the club. No wonder Mike the Dockers' fan is off sick today, there's only so much a man can bear!

The weekend commenced well for the Victorian teams, with St Kilda also stealing a 2 point win over interstate opposition in the form of Adelaide. I was lucky enough to catch the end of the match down at the pub, where I had gone with some friends to see Australia's appalling capitulation to Iraq in the soccer. Absolutely abysmal performance, for mine the most embarrassing performance by any sporting outfit representing Australia since our boat sank beneath the waves while racing the Kiwis in the America's Cup. The aftermath of that race series, incidentally, was quite ludicrous- the dejected Australian skipper offered full support and assistance to the slightly incredulous New Zealanders who must have been thinking along the lines of "yeah, thanks a lot mate, I think we'll probably be OK with our unsubmerged boat..." I think from memory the same skipper went on to hail NZ's eventual victory over the Americans as "A great victory for the Pacific Rim!" Talk about clutching at straws! The Saints were very good in their win, a late charge for the finals could well see them sneak into the eight yet. Another Victorian team tipped to do well this year and seemingly coming good at the right time is the Western Bulldogs, who had a straightforward victory over a depleted Essendon. The Bombers have a shocking draw in the final stages and will need to really lift to make the eight. The Dons are due to make a big decision this week as to whether Kevin Sheedy will remain at the helm for his 28th straight season.

It wasn't all bad news for the interstaters, Sydney took the points at home against struggling Carlton who haven't had a win up north since about 1993. Brisbane won "away" at the Gabba against Melbourne- that move to sell home games interstate has really worked out well for the Demons! And Port Adelaide ensured it was a miserable weekend for footy fans in WA of both persuasions by giving West Coast an absolute hiding- 91 points being the Eagles' biggest defeat for many a year. Eagles' star captain Chris Judd (not the one who was briefly married to J-Lo) limped off the field at the end and may need surgery before the finals. Luckily the West Coast have in reserve reformed "ice" addict Ben Cousins who you would expect to see out on the field sooner rather than later.

So now that everyone has played everyone else it is clear that at this stage only a transport strike can stop Geelong; Richmond, Melbourne and Carlton are all useless; and everyone else is still in with a chance of playing finals ("mathematically" in the case of Fremantle and probably Brisbane). Two coaches are gone, more could follow shortly. It's the best of times for some Vic clubs, the worst of times for others. And there's still a third of the season to go. See you back here for Round 16.

Round Fourteen: Living in the Seventies

In recent weeks (and months...) this column has bagged the AFL on many an occasion, albeit for generally good reasons. But it is important to be positive too when the opportunity strikes. And so, let me say without qualification, that whoever's idea it was to have the annual heritage round deserves a pat on the back and a bar card at the Spearmint Rhino nightclub- it's a cracker of an idea. As I recall the original heritage round was a one-off during the 1996 centenary season featuring the original eight teams wearing old timey colours and faux-lace up jumpers, and the other johnny-come-lately teams just wearing their regular jumpers I believe. The concept then appears to have laid dormant until 2003, when it came bursting back with a vengeance. The AFL made a probably sensible decision to introduce a theme for the heritage round recently, given that having for example Carlton in a 19th century replica playing Brisbane in the original eyewatering Bears jumper was a bit of a trippy experience. So while last year we had the '80s round, this year we were all living in the '70s, as the song goes.

One of the real benefits of having a theme for the heritage round is that it allows for a focus on a specific time period, as well as allowing the players to run around in lairy strips. With the exception of Essendon, who were rubbish for the entire decade, the '70s was a bit of a halcyon era for football. Some of the alltime greats plied their trade during this period (Jezza, Blight, Matthews etc), some of the most historic matches took place (70, 77 and 79 Grand Finals), and some of the most iconic moments with accompanying classic commentary occurred ("Oh, Jesalenko (sic), you beauty!"; "Matthews has snapped the point post! Talk about a he-man!"; "Harmes snaps it back to Sheldon...it's a goal!". Media coverage during the week saw many of the old players, coaches and commentators reminiscing about the old days and the old grounds and characters, it was great to hear some of the stories about a bygone era when the money was less but the passion was every bit equal.

This was also the decade that saw colour television come into play, and with it garish shorts and jumper shades for a number of teams. Mercifully by the '80s most teams had quietly gone back to the slightly less aesthetically offensive lower garments, but for one round a year wheel them out I say! So we had Essendon and the Bulldogs in red shorts, Richmond in yellow shorts and Melbourne in a most fetching royal blue shade which had the bonus effect of removing the colour clash with Carlton. The Dees were able to give interim coach Mark Riley a winning start with a win over the Blues, pride being the only thing at stake for these two clubs now in 2007. The other team out of the running, Richmond, put up a brave show against North but the Roos proved too strong and kept their unexpectedly good run going for another week. Pre-season favourites Fremantle were desperate for a win up at Sydney to keep their fast sinking 2007 hopes alive but the Swans, inspired by Michael O'Laughlin's games record and Adam Goodes' 200th, took the points and significantly boosted their own chances of finals action. How many weeks left until Chris Connolly becomes the latest member of the sacked coaches club?

I wrote last week about the Big Occasion game- Essendon came into their clash against high-flying Geelong welcoming back two-time cancer survivor Adam Ramanauskas and celebrating 250 games for favourite son James Hird. But the Big Occasion turned into a stinker for the Dons with Hird and young gun Alwyn Davey going down injured and key players Dustin Fletcher and Mark McVeigh going into the umpire's book as the Cats continued on their merry way. The possible finals rivals for the Cats had mixed results- Collingwood deservedly prevailed in a dour struggle in the wet against St Kilda, if only because the Saints refused to join in the '70s theme and turned up in all-white- very helpful to avoid a colour clash against a team wearing black and white. The Western Bulldogs came through against Port Adelaide. Curiously there was much pre-game hype and excitement that this was the first time Port had worn the old "prison bars" outfit that they had worn in the old Uncle Toby's SANFL prior to joining the big boys league- it clearly wasn't, the invaluable footyjumpers.com website shows undisputable evidence that they wore that jumper in the heritage round in 2003. Short memories, people!

The Power's crosstown rivals the Crows delivered what should have been the big shock of the round by thumping previously resurgent Hawthorn at Football Park. But less than 24 hours later the biggest upset in years- at least since the Saints beat the Eagles some weeks ago- occurred in the West. Once more West Coast were the fall guys, perhaps lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that while they were running around in the 1977 WA State of Origin jumper, the opponents Brisbane were sporting the old Fitzroy colours. Halfway through the first quarter the odds on a Lions win were 21 to 1- not a bad bet as it turned out as Brisbane romped home to stun all and sundry. The win was the first at Subiaco Oval ever by a team wearing the Roys jumper (although they did once win at the WACA long ago) and the loss consigned the Eagles from third to... second, courtesy of Hawthorn's belting and subsequent percentage loss. Strange things happened in the Seventies!

Apologies for the delay in this week's wrap, I joined the ranks of the nation's homeowners over the weekend. Finally I have an opinion on interest rates! Round 15 to come quicker I hope.