The Finals: Week One: Invest in a Hip Flask

And then there were six. After a weekend in which all eight finalists were in action, two more teams have found themselves relegated to the sidelines, two sides have gone straight through to preliminary final weekend and four teams go into this weekend coming in the knowledge that a loss will mean curtains for 2007. It was a weekend notable for dramatic form reversals- several teams which had played like worldbeaters in Round 22 played like deadbeats in Finals Week One. The worst case of finalsitis was that suffered by the Carrararoos, who bounded onto the field for their match against Geelong in the manner of the kangaroo on the Qantas logo and were carried off some hours later looking like a roo that had just been run over by a Mack Truck travelling at a very high speed. Geelong were absolutely awesome in their 106 point win, and their performance will have put the fear of God into the remaining finalists. It could have been even worse for the hapless Roos, only their amazingly accurate kicking of 8 goals 2 behinds saved them from an even bigger shellacking. Very strange to see a game in which the opposition fullback only has to put the ball back into play twice, I was actually at the game in which that last occurred- Essendon vs Fitzroy, Round 1 1995 at Western Oval. I remember it well, my only excursion into the western suburbs' heart of darkness. One of my friends had declined to accompany the excursion on the grounds that "I would only pay money to see Fitzroy if you could guarantee that they wouldn't score for the entire game". At halftime the Lions had accumulated the somewhat disappointing scoreline of 0.0.0 and no doubt my friend was making urgent arrangements to get to the Western Oval in the hope of seeing history being made. Fitzroy did recover somewhat in the second half to post 5 goals 2 behinds but it was very evident that day that the club's prospects of remaining in the AFL were somewhat bleak.



For the Roos it must have seemed like finals deja vu all over again. They were smashed in their last finals appearance in 2005 by 87 points against Port, and by a finals record 125 points by the Almost Invincibles Bombers of 2000. Many people are starting to talk of the 2007 Geelong as being on a par with the 2000 Dons, given their long winning streak and massive first up finals victory. The Cats should be wary though- the Bombers of 1999 also enjoyed a long winning streak and a big finals victory over Sydney before the horror of the Preliminary Final That Shall Not Be Named unfolded. Once again I was there, sitting amidst a crowd of similarly aghast Bombers fans as the unbackable favourites disintegrated and lost by a single point to bloody Carlton of all teams. Arguably the most disappointing sporting result of all time, with the possible exception of Australia's 2-2 draw with Iran which kept the Socceroos out of the 1998 World Cup. If ever there was an afternoon designed to drive a man to drink that was it. Unfortunately for me, however, I couldn't even resort to booze as I had to drive home to attend my sister's alcohol-free 21st at our local Masonic Lodge. I'm sure I wasn't the only attendee questioning the wisdom of that particular organisational decision, particularly after the evening reached its nadir when my sister's friend delivered a speech quite breathtaking in its total disregard for judgement, decorum and the fact that its audience was both sober and consisting of several children and senior citizens. Not until the same sister's father-in-law made a similarly well-received doozy at the wedding have I heard quite an address at a family event. I made the decision at this point to quietly back away through the stunned crowd, duck under some assorted masonic regalia and spend the remainder of the evening in the car listening to the Victorian election result. Jeff Kennett's government suffered a shock defeat that day too, so the day wasn't a total loss. But Cats fans beware! Don't start celebrating just yet, and if you have any family commitments on preliminary final day do invest in a hip flask of some description.



The aforementioned Jeff Kennett has since leaving the Premier's Office undertaken the dual roles of President of Hawthorn Football Club and Chairman of the Beyond Blue anti-depression institute. In recent years these roles might have seemed a bit mutually exclusive, but not in 2007. The Hawks have had a very good year and lived to fight another day after a thrilling 3 point victory over the Adelaide Crows, who turned up wearing red for some reason, no doubt to eliminate the well-known colour clash that occurs when a team wearing predominantly yellow plays a team wearing predominantly navy blue. The Crows started off the stronger side and got to five goals up before the Hawks swung into gear and slowly pegged them back. The first lead change of the match didn't occur until well into the final quarter, after which a goal for goal shoot-out took place. With two minutes on the clock it looked as though the Crows had pinched it after a long Crows bomb went through as despairing Hawks defenders wrapped themselves around goal posts trying to keep it out. But emerging Hawks superstar Lance "Buddy" Franklin sealed the victory with the last kick of the game, a boomer from well outside the fifty. As the final siren sounded the Hawks crowd leapt to their feet in rapture, Kennett among them resplendent in his yellow and brown striped jacket. He may have looked like a stockbroker who had taken a wrong turn on his way to the exchange, but there was no doubting his pleasure at the result. Quite possibly his happiest moment since Preliminary Final Day 1999. Disappointment for the Crows, though, their season is over.



The season of the Crows' cross-town rivals Port Adelaide though is very much alive, the Power were also involved in a three point result but happily for them they were on the right side of the result. Their encounter with the Eagles was a far more dour affair, but like Hawthorn the Power had to come from behind to win after being behind all night. The Eagles' chances of winning took a nose dive when star player and tabloid champion Ben Cousins limped off with a hammy, while skipper Chris Judd played like a man who should have been rested six weeks back. Port had their own hospital-related worries though, coach Mark Williams' wife went into labour at a most inopportune time and for a while there it was touch and go whether the Power guru would stick around for the final siren. But it all ended happily for Port, the siren went with their side in front and the coach was promptly whisked to the maternity ward in good time to see his latest offspring emerge. Port through to the preliminary, the battered Eagles have one more chance to keep their quest for back to back flags alive.



The Eagles will take on Collingwood, who ended the Sydney Swans' quest for a third straight Grand Final and redemption for their one point defeat last year. It was the Magpies' third victory over the Swans this year, clearly they have the measure of Sydney in 2007 and will go over to Subiaco with a lot of confidence. Star for Collingwood was oft-maligned forward Anthony Rocca, who gave Magpie fans the jitters just before halftime by going down clutching his knee but who ended a most successful evening out with six majors. Rocca has been cleared of injury and will play this weekend against West Coast, which is good news for the denizens of Carringbush. If he had been rubbed out the Pies would have had to go with Plan B- recalling ex-Horsham superstar Brian "Strauchanie" Stauchan! Check out his bulging talents here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uM_oBGcvts&mode=related&search=

It was another good week for the Rocca family in general, with elder brother Sav gaining the punting contract at the Philadelphia Eagles at a salary roughly equivalent to that of Liberia's national debt. A quick glance at Rocca's player bio on the Eagles' website http://www.philadelphiaeagles.com/team/player73.html would seem to indicate that either Philadelphia is engaging in some most un-American hyperbole or that Sav's mother is running the website- seriously, "One of the best players in the history of the Australian Football League"? I don't want to be a Rocca Knocker or a Rocca Mocker, but that statement really is a Rocca Crocker.

So now just three weeks to go until the 2007 Premiership team will be known. And with brilliant timing I'm now going off on holiday for three weeks to the jungles of Vietnam. If I can find an internet terminal in the Mekong Delta I will try and post a review of the coming weeks. Expect an Apocalypse Now/ Platoon/ Ballad of the Green Berets feel to any further Wraps. Stay well and hope your team's song is the one sounding when the final siren goes.

Round Twenty-Two: The Wheat From The "Chaff"

And then there were eight. The final siren for 2007 has blown for half the sides in the competition, the wheat has been well and truly separated from the chaff (exactly what is "chaff", anyway?), and the finals are officially upon us. Round 22 is always a poignant round- many players are well aware that they are running around for the last time on an AFL field. Others no doubt have their suspicions that this could be the end but choose to believe that a good performance in a dead rubber Round 22 match may yet buy them another season- a strategy that has never worked once as far as I'm aware. Perhaps the players have come to realise this too and are increasingly choosing to depart with honour by retiring rather than risk the brutality of the off-season cut. I can't recall a season when so many players have called it quits at the end of the home and away season. Down at Melbourne it seemed as though there were more retiring Demons requiring escorting from the field on the shoulders of teammates than there were shoulders of teammates available to provide said escort services. I'd never even heard of some of the Melbourne players retiring- how long has Nathan Brown been at Melbourne? Doesn't he play for Richmond? Perhaps the Demon players were encouraged in their decision to pursue post-football careers by the fact that the club's exhaustive search for a coach for 2008 finally produced a result- ex-Don Dean Bailey (currently a Port assistant) came from the back of a crowded field to edge out his old coach Kevin Sheedy for the Dees gig. Bailey's playing career was fairly unremarkable and is probably most noticeable for its unfortunate timing. Bailey played at Essendon from 1986 to 1992, his career was bookended by the 1985 and 1993 premierships. D'oh! Similarly unfortunate was ex-Don and Power player Che Cockatoo-Collins, who arrived at Essendon in 1994 (right after the '93 triumph), went to Port prior to the Bombers' 2000 flag and left Port at the end of 2003, thereby missing the Power's inaugural premiership in 2004. But by far the unluckiest footballer of all time is ex-Magpie, Bomber and Saint Rene "The Incredible Hulk" Kink, who turned out for Collingwood in the losing Grand Final sides of 1977, 1979, 1980 and 1981, then transferred to Essendon in time for the 1983 Grand Final debacle before moving to St Kilda just in time to miss the Bombers' 1984 premiership. Kink also played a cameo role in the movie adaption of David Williamson's footy play "The Club"- well worth hiring out at your local video shop.

Round 22 2007 had shaped up as an absolute thriller, with three teams still in the running for the last finals spot. Unfortunately Adelaide's victory over Collingwood meant that St Kilda and Brisbane's seasons were effectively over by bedtime on Friday night, thereby ending the prospect of a nailbiting weekend. The loss also ended the Magpies' tilt at a final four spot with attendant double chance, the Pies instead will have to play a sudden death elimination final. For a time there was a strong possibility that they would be up against the Crows for a second successive week, but they will instead be taking on Sydney for the third time in 2007. The Swans belted the Hawks by 12 goals in their encounter, thus consigning Hawthorn to an elimination final against Adelaide.

The Saints may have had their finals chances ruined by the Crows victory, but were still able to end their season on a winning note by beating Richmond (not as easy as it seems- just ask Essendon or Collingwood). Cult hero and Jerry Seinfeld-lookalike Fraser Gehrig aka The G Train decided before the game to finish up, and left the field shirtless after presenting his jumper to a young Saints fan. More flesh was on display at the Gabba, where Cat Corey Enright was the victim of the most spectacular dacking of all time- check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6tpvgcMykQ To Enright's credit, he took the incident in his stride, running around in his jocks for what seemed like five minutes and even racking up a possession to the enthusiastic joy of the Brisbane crowd. The Cats leapt back to winning form with a straight forward win, and will now play the Carrararoos in a qualifying final after the Roos ensured their own top four finish with a win over the Western Bulldogs. The other qualifying final is between second place Port Adelaide and third place West Coast. The finishing order of the two sides was undetermined right up until the end of the round, both sides needed a big win to gain the requisite percentage to ensure at least one home final. The Power beat an undermanned Fremantle who dropped half a dozen players for the game, in part for disciplinary reasons and in part to screw their cross town rivals the Eagles. West Coast needed a big win against the Bombers in what was Sheedy and Hird's last red and black outing ever, and at three quarter time were looking pretty good at 44 points up. Essendon were every bit as disappointing as they were the previous round against Richmond. Then it all came together for the Bombers, who put together the best final quarter of football since Geelong's effort in the 1989 Grand Final. Much-maligned Bombers forward Scott Lucas hit a purple patch, booting a remarkable seven goals for the quarter as the Dons got to within three points of the panicking Eagles. Unfortunately, however, like the Cats of '89 the Bombers were unable to get across the line and their defeat instead will go down in the annals of heroic failure. At least an honourable defeat was a good way to farewell Sheedy and Hird, and the Eagles crowd gave them a respectful sending-off with the scarves waving. And the Bombers can take some satisfaction in the knowledge that they prevented West Coast from playing all of the finals bar the GF at Subiaco, they're going to have to earn the premiership the hard way now!

The round was completed by the unfortunately necessary playing of the Great Tank-Off match between Carlton and Melbourne, neither of whom stood to gain anything from winning but stood to lose preferential draft position if they did get across the line. The AFL continues to argue that tanking is a myth, but I think they're kidding themselves. Carlton fans on the weekend were loudly cheering every Lance Whitnall miss (there were many) and the eventual result of a Melbourne victory was universally popular. Carlton's mission to field an entire side of No. 1 draft picks can continue (although it didn't work too well for St Kilda a couple of years back), while the Demons were able to farewell their legion of retirees with a final hearty rendition of It's a Grand Old Flag.

So while the 8 survivors now move into finals mode, how to sum up the seasons of the eight sides voted off the AFL island? Through song titles! Some suggested titles:

9- St Kilda- Faraway (So Close!)- U2
10- Brisbane- The Rising - Bruce Springsteen
11- Fremantle- The Great Pretender- The Platters
12- Essendon- Don't Dream It's Over- Crowded House
13- Western Bulldogs- Short People- Randy Newman
14- Melbourne- anything by Snow Patrol
15- Carlton- Tanks for the Memory- Bob Hope
16- Richmond- The Only Way is Up- Yazz

Any better suggestions? Drop me a line. See you back here next week when we look at The Finals- Week One!