Finals Week One: The Inexplicably Naked Wrap

Finals time! And the excitement was palpable, right across the big brown land. Well, maybe not quite so much this year in Western Australia, given the lamentability of both of their representatives. And Queenslanders were a little bit iffy. But South Australians (barring those of the Port persuasion) were abuzz, Victorians were like kids on Christmas Eve awaiting Santa Claus' arrival with a bottle of beer and a glass of milk for Rudolph, and New South Welshmen...well, evidently somebody forgot to tell the citizens of New South Wales that the finals had begun, and, what's more, that they were actually hosting one. Perhaps their attention was diverted by the stunning implosion of their state government, although the resignation of their police minister two and a half days into his term for dancing in his underpants Mick Molloy-style didn't happen until later in the week. Who knows. Fortunately there was more than enough excitement in the remaining states and territories to make up for the apathy of the Premier State (with its brand-new ex-garbo Premier), and nowhere more so than in the nation's capital. Hollowmen, spooks, pencil-pushers and fireworks retailers one and all could talk of nothing else in the days leading up to the weekend, and yours truly was anything but immune. I could only have been more excited if Essendon had somehow contrived to be involved. Maybe next year. Probably not. At least I was able to relive the glorious days of yore through an encore screening of "Bomber Blitz", in which the Almost Invincibles of 2000 laid waste to the rest of the competition like the Roman Empire conquering the known world (apart from one small village of indomitable Bulldogs).

No team has been as successful as the Almost Invincibles until Geelong this year. But there are a couple of important differences between the two sides. First, Essendon in 2000 not only won the premiership but also took home the preseason Sponsor’s Product Cup. Geelong couldn’t manage that in 2008. Second, the Bombers’ sole loss was in a gritty nailbiter against a team which flooded for dear life. The Cats, on the other hand, got blown off the park by a team which tackled for dear life. Third, Essendon had no genuine rivals in 2000 – Carlton, which had played spoiler the previous year and posed during the 2000 season as a potential threat, fell over in week one of the finals and didn’t make it to the Grand Final. Geelong, on the other hand, has a genuine challenger in Hawthorn. A Cats flag this year may still be the most likely outcome, but it is anything but a certainty.

The Hawks were the first team out of the blocks in the 2008 finals series, with their long-awaited bout against the Western Bulldogs taking place at the MCG on the Friday night in front of a bumper crowd. After all of the attention Buddy Franklin had gotten after reaching his ton the previous week, many had wondered how exactly the Bulldogs would be able to stop him running amok. It proved, like the sound of one hand clapping as a tree falls in a forest, to be an unanswerable question. Buddy dominated this final like few before him; booting eight goals, giving away three fifty-metre penalties, and drawing a declaration from normally unimpressible ex-Lions coach Leigh Matthews that he “must be from another planet”. The Dogs never looked a chance and were duly defeated by 51 points. A fair bit of re-jigging to do for them before their next final, but all smiles at Glenferrie as the Hawks booked themselves a week off.

Saturday afternoon bloomed beautifully in Canberra, so it was with some regrets that I spent it indoors watching Adelaide play Collingwood in the first elimination final. In the good company of my Magpie brother-in-law and my one and only Crows buddy, the salubrious surrounds of Eastlakes Footy Club proved a fine venue for probably the best of the weekend’s finals encounters. The crowd at Footy Park was a tad disappointing, given that this was guaranteed to be the only final played in Adelaide in 2008 the AFL would probably have hoped for more than the 37, 685 who showed up. Perhaps Crows supporters were still in shock after the Saints had committed daylight robbery the previous week and taken fourth place from them. Certainly the Crows players looked shell-shocked in the first quarter as the Pies leapt from the blocks and opened up a convincing early lead. However the second quarter proved a reverse mirror image of the first, as the Crows lifted their intensity and piled on seven goals for the quarter to go in at half-time 12 points up.

At this stage it became apparent to the three of us that an advertisement for a certain Canberra carpet emporium that had played repeatedly during the first half could no longer be ignored. It should be noted that the background noise of patrons and pokies prevented us from clearly hearing the dialogue. The ad featured an animated couple speaking with a fairly harried-looking salesman, requesting a carpet impervious to the rigours of two preteen boys (who promptly appeared, one pouring a bottle of tomato sauce over the other). We’d all seen this ad before, so far nothing out of the ordinary. However, at this point in the ad the salesman’s eyes swung abruptly to the right as if he was on parade, and a naked gentleman swung into view (mercifully from the back), with hands nowhere to be seen and his whole body shaking as though he was operating a jackhammer. What in God’s name was this? Was it a poorly conceived attempt by the advertisers to provide a practical indication of the robust stain-proof quality of the carpets? Or was this the work of a disgruntled ex-employee, who’d stayed up many nights plotting his revenge through the medium of manga? Whatever the case, it didn’t look like something that should have been going to air on a Saturday afternoon. We had visions of the Channel Ten Canberra switchboard melting as hordes of infuriated bureaucrats registered their umbrage, and the ad subsequently failed to appear for the remainder of the match. Later that weekend I managed to see the ad complete with sound, and it emerged that the man was in fact shivering with cold, and wanting to buy a warm carpet. Fair enough, Canberra does experience pretty cold winters. But three fairly obvious questions remain unanswered: 1) why was the guy naked in the first place? 2) why, once he found himself devoid of clothing, was his first retail destination a carpet shop rather than, say, somewhere selling pants?! And 3) how was he proposing to pay for the carpet? He didn’t appear to be carrying a wallet, and if he was in possession of a credit card I for one don’t want to know where he was planning on swiping it. Valid questions all, along with the small matter of who in their right mind approved the ad to go to air. I will follow up this matter, and advise in due course.

While players from both sides were unaware of the scandalous product going to air in the nation’s capital, they were aware that they had one half of football left in which to ensure that their 2008 season remained alive. With only one team able to progress, a massive effort was required. And it was Collingwood who were able to prevail, first putting through seven third quarter goals to reclaim the lead, and then holding the Crows at bay with a further five in the last. A fantastic interstate win for the Magpies, and a great recovery from their bitterly disappointing Round 22 loss to Fremantle. But a shattering exit for Adelaide, who had fourth place and the double chance all sewn up last week until the Saints came along and nicked it.

To Saturday night, and the real talking point of Week One of the finals – the absolutely abysmal turn-up at the Sydney-North Melbourne elimination final. If the AFL were a tad disappointed at the attendance in Adelaide, they would have been guttered to see just 19,127 people bothering to show up at Homebush in Sydney’s west for a sudden death final between two fairly decent teams. There were a couple of mollifying factors, however. First, it was raining and Sydney folk don’t like going out when it’s wet. Second, Homebush is miles from anywhere, particularly nice bars and restaurants to go to after the Swanees play. Third, North Melbourne couldn’t draw a crowd if they were equipped with a full painter’s easel and the talent of Da Vinci. And fourth, while promotion for the game was completely non-existent in the lead-up, curiously ads for it ran in both Sydney and Canberra for a day or so after it had been played. The old time-space continuum strikes again! All of this contributed to the lowest finals crowd since 1902, when spats and hats were the go for the stylish supporter and most spectators arrived at the ground by dray. The ragged handful of fans who did make it to the game were treated to a hard fought encounter. Kangaroos burst out of the blocks early, with the first four goals of the match. However the Swans were able to peg them back and hit the front early in the third quarter, before running away with the game with thirteen goals to five after halftime. Supporters of North, who just a fortnight earlier had been pegged as a genuine premiership threat, must have been left spinning by their side’s blistering quick exit from the finals race. Certainly that Round 22 loss to Port Adelaide will go down as one of the most expensive home and away defeats in history. But all good for Sydney, who managed to defy the doubters for another week.

One game left to complete the first week of the finals, and it was the Qualifying Final between reigning champs Geelong and the last team left standing in fourth spot St Kilda. Nobody really gave the Saints much chance of beating the Cats, and it wasn’t any great surprise that Geelong were able to clinch a 58 point win without needing to get out of third gear. The game was competitive early in each of the first three quarters, but Geelong was able to dominate the later stages and only bad kicking kept them from establishing an unassailable lead by halftime. However they blew St Kilda away in the third quarter with nine goals to two – one of the goals being a gift from feisty Saint Steven Milne who ill-advisedly whacked a celebrating Cat right in front the umpire after a goal had gone through, thereby giving away a free kick directly in front. Too easy for Geelong after that, with only two sour notes coming from the match. The first was the loss of youngster Brent Prismall with a serious knee injury which will keep him off the field well into 2009, unfortunate as he had only just established himself in a super competitive side. The second was a bit of unpleasant after the siren conversation between Old Father Time Robert Harvey and Geelong’s Craig Lowndes-lookalike Matthew Scarlett, although nobody would elaborate on what the topic of discussion actually was. Quite possibly just how much Matthew Scarlett looks like Craig Lowndes with a bad wig. So a week off for the Cats, the Saints back into the pack to fight another day.

I’m aware that the Wrap is off on its own time-space continuum, with this week’s results going in after next week’s matches have already been played. So do please exercise some willing suspension of disbelief while reading, and imagine that the weekend just gone hasn’t actually happened yet. It will be a far more enjoyable read I’m sure. Until next week, please keep in mind if you're going out shopping that most stores and businesses do prefer their clientele to be fully dressed (although apparently not in Canberra) and see you back here for Week Two.