Spent the weekend in Melbourne- twenty-five degrees on both days! Not at all the Melbourne winter climate that I remember from days of yore. Is global warming really such a bad thing? The jury remains out. The reason for my trip down to Civilisation City was two-fold; to meet my delightful new niece (first impressions: small, pink and sleepy) and to catch up with the remainder of the clan; and to attend the final Victorian appearance in Essendon colours of legendary Bombers Kevin Sheedy and James Hird. More on that later. Returning to Melbourne provided me with a timely reminder that the Victorian media is absolutely obsessed with all things footy- if hordes of Shaun of the Dead-style zombies were marching down Spring Street biting chunks of flesh out of random bystanders, the Herald Sun headline would probably read, "The Living Dead Arrive in Melbourne: Port Adelaide Fans in Town Early for Finals?". Well, perhaps not. But there is certainly more football coverage here than in the non-traditional football state or territory where I currently reside, and this weekend the ravenous mob of journos had a huge story to get their teeth into. Once more the evil spectre of drugs raised its ugly head after Channel Seven breathlessly announced that they had come into the possession of confidential medical records of two players, which clearly indicated that the players concerned had taken illicit drugs. Channel Seven had obtained the records, it later emerged, by paying a woman $3000. The woman had apparently found the records in the gutter outside a medical clinic, and had touted them for sale to the media in order "to help the players". And if you believe that, there's a bridge for sale in Brooklyn at a crazy, crazy price! The AFL players' union was so disgusted by the actions of Channel Seven they instituted a media ban on the Channel which this column is happy to support. From now on I will not be speaking to any Channel Seven personality, particularly John Jarret from Better Homes and Gardens- not because of anything to do with the drugs business but because his performance in Wolf Creek has removed any chance of me driving in the outback ever, under any circumstances. And I won't be having him anywhere near my home and/or garden either!
On the field it was a mixed round- some close encounters, some beltings; some teams' chances came to an end, others shot right back into contention. The Western Bulldogs' season effectively ended after a pitiful second half display against Hawthorn led to an 84 point belting. And it could have been far worse, Hawk Lance "Buddy" Franklin kicked the astounding total of 2 goals 11 behinds! Carlton suffered a similar margin of defeat against the Carrararoos as the Roos' favourite son Glenn Archer broke the club games record. Given that it is an open secret that the Blues have been tanking for months now Archer would no doubt have expected his side to take the points, but even he must have been surprised by just how generous Carlton was prepared to be in ensuring that his milestone match was one to remember. And Fremantle, bleeding from multiple stab, gun shot and javelin wounds, picked themselves up of the canvas and are somehow still an outside chance of playing finals in 2007 after beating the hapless Demons by ten goals.
As tipped in the wrap last week, Geelong were due for a loss and it duly arrived at the hands of Port Adelaide who got up with the last kick of the day. Hopefully the Cats won't go into a form slump now. Port are engaged in a dog fight for second place along with West Coast, who similarly sneaked home in their match against St Kilda. The Saints are one of three genuine contenders (plus Freo) for the eight and last finals spot. The other two are Adelaide and Brisbane who played each other in Round 21, the Crows prevailed. Sydney went down in their match against Collingwood but other results conspired to guarantee them a spot in the finals anyway. Collingwood, Hawthorn and the Roos are all still a chance for the final top four spot.
I don't think there's ever been a crowd of 88,500 (or thereabouts) for a game between two sides as ordinary as Richmond and Essendon and there probably won't be ever again. The reason we were all out in force at the ridiculous starting time of 5.10PM on a Sunday night was to pay tribute to legendary Bomber coach Kevin Sheedy and greatest living player James Hird, both appearing for the last time in Victoria. The crowd was there, the weather was great, the pre-game highlights were tremendous, it was all set up for a worthy finish for the Essendon champs. Unfortunately however Richmond, unlike Carlton in Archer's match, had failed to read the script and insisted on playing their best game for the season to take the points (although Essendon were quite frankly pathetic). A disappointing way to end for Sheedy and Hird, although the game was still worth attending for the post-siren laps of honour by the two celebratees (and Hird's kids) in front of a crowd estimated to be around 88,475 (and boo to the 25 people who left early!). Sheedy took off anti-clockwise, Hird clockwise, they met and embraced in front of the Olympic Stand. Magic moment. I had been a bit concerned that the tribute put on by the AFL and/or Essendon would be a bit saccharine or otherwise embarrassing, but this wasn't the case. It was great that the fans had the chance to show their appreciation for many a great memory provided in years past, even if the game we had all just sat through had been a stinker. The AFL has stuffed up the entertainment many a time previously, I'm sure we all remember with stunned horror the 1991 Grand Final halftime show featuring Angry Anderson in the Batmobile- if not, here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M1ZEUiAEuw
So just one round to go in the home and away season, and the round ahead has some crackers. Port and West Coast both need a big win to sew up second place and home finals all the way, which is bad news for their opponents Freo and Essendon. Adelaide, St Kilda and Brisbane will be sweating on each others' results as they wait on the final spot in the eight. And with both Melbourne and Carlton needing to lose to ensure a preferable draft outcome, is the AFL set for its first ever scoreless draw? Find out back here next week.
30 August 2007
21 August 2007
Round Twenty: Fudging the Evidence
Just when you thought it was safe to go back onto Telstra Dome... Seven seasons ago, they struck without warning, leaving unsuspecting Bomber Mark Johnson in a bloodied heap and leading an infuriated Kevin Sheedy to call for his skeet rifle. They've bided their time since then, waiting patiently until another player was foolish enough to be caught alone in the middle of the field... and then, in a blur of claws and feathers, they attacked! The dreaded Telstra Dome seagulls strike again! This time the helpless victim was Docker Jeff Farmer, a man who is certainly no stranger to controversy, who was left sprawled across the pitch with his nose splayed across his face as the nearest opposition player jogged innocently away some distance from the scene. Amazingly, no TV camera caught the incident. If not the seagulls, then what else could have taken Farmer out? Did a piece of the Telstra Dome roof come loose, a la the set light at the start of The Truman Show? Was that security guard Farmer punched some weeks back sitting up in the stands with an air rifle? The AFL Tribunal chose not to believe any of these quite plausible scenarios, instead handing the nearest Saint Steven Baker a massive seven week suspension. Season over for Baker and the seagulls off scot-free, chuckling evilly away up in the rafters like John Jarrett in Wolf Creek. How long until they strike again?
Copping a massive sentence in the lead up to the finals is the latter-day equivalent of transportation for life, minus the rum, sodomy and lash (although what happens on the end of season footy tour stays on the end of season footy tour!). Another player copping a 19th century-style sentence was Magpie Ben Johnson, who is out for the season after he took out Demon Daniel Bell with a sickening hit reminiscent of Bomber legend Michael Long's astoundingly out of character assault on young then-Demon Troy "Snake" Simmonds in the 2000 Grand Final. The Johnson hit had the effect of firing up the previously sluggish Demons, who gave the out of form Magpies a real scare before Collingwood came away with the win. Melbourne were at least able to chair skipper and club games record holder David Neitz off with a bit more pride than they did Byron Pickett some weeks back after their woeful Manuka Oval display against Sydney. The bloke who really deserved a lengthy spell on the sidelines, however, appears to have gotten away like a Telstra Dome seagull- I'm referring to the appalling hit put on ex-Magpie and Roo Sav Rocca, now of the Philadelphia Eagles, by Antwan Barnes of the Baltimore Ravens- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6U6bMPpIIc -deliberate contact to the head of an unsuspecting player while the ball is miles from the scene, that should have been season over for Barnes right there. A Rocca Knocker Shocker, you might say.
Perhaps, however, the American NFL judiciary has a similarly skewed system of justice as our own AFL Tribunal. It would appear that the seemingly ubiquitous Rocca Family are to be the holders of the unwelcome title of Last Key Player to be Rubbed Out for the Grand Final Ever- Anthony Rocca's suspension for the 2003 Grand Final playing no small part in Collingwood's hilariously dire performance as previously documented on this site. The AFL's displeasure with such a one-sided decider would explain Lions gun Jonathan Brown getting off on a technicality in 2004 and, in the most risible slash glaringly transparent verdict of all time, Barry Hall being allowed to play in 2005. Hall escaped suspension after whacking Saint Matt Maguire in the stomach with the ball nowhere in sight after the tribunal ruled that the action, illegal and dirty as it was, was somehow related to the flow of play. Don't even try and find logic in that one. Hall was simply too important to the Swans for the AFL to allow him to be absent on the big day. This Untouchables policy would also seem to apply to players in genuine contention for the Brownlow Medal- the AFL wants no repeats of the Corey McKernan/ Chris Grant embarrassments of '96/'97. Earlier this year Eagles golden boy Chris Judd, then in scintillating form, found himself before the tribunal on the unsavoury charge of eye-gouging Hawk Campbell Brown. To universal delight Judd, who is seemingly the only player on the entire West Coast list whom a prospective father in law wouldn't greet at the front door with a shotgun, was cleared. Last week Brown admitted on one of the many TV footy shows to fudging his evidence to ensure Judd got off, and was promptly fined $7500 for providing unsatisfactory evidence! Now really. What happened to the long standing tradition of not dobbing another player in at the tribunal? Nobody ever gives accurate evidence! You can imagine the tribunal members sitting around like Captain Renault in Casablanca, saying with straight faces- "We're shocked! Shocked! To discover that there has been fibbing going on in here". Talk about an open and shut case- the only bust in history that would have been easier would have been that cop who did Willy Nelson for marijuana possession some months back- incidentally, how come Cheech and Chong never got busted? Or Woody Harrellson? Or the cast of Reefer Madness? Check it out here- those people shouldn't be out on the street! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bM_vLk1I6G4
Brown's fine was part of a dismal week for the Hawks, who were also fined for having an illegal camera operating at their game (pity there wasn't one at the St Kilda-Freo match, those seagulls would have finally got their just desserts!) and then blew their match in Tassie against Port by conceding two goals in the last 30 seconds. Could be an expensive loss, considering how tight the battle is for top four spots. Port are now in pole position to take one of those spots, as are West Coast who recorded a straight forward victory over wooden spoon certainties Richmond at Subiaco. Geelong of course sewed up their top four spot some time ago and are now several games clear at the top of the ladder after a shaky win over the Carrarraroos. The Roos have now dropped three in a row, but should be able to pick up some points, form and confidence in the weeks leading into the finals. The Cats have now gone undefeated since their loss in Round 5- a club record within a single season- and the bubble of expectation continues to expand in the Corio Bay area. I recall it was around about this time of the year that the Almost Invincibles Bombers side of 2000 dropped a match unexpectedly- don't be at all surprised if the Cats happen to lose either this week or next.
One team quite adept at dropping matches is Carlton, without a win since Round 11. Carlton's latest tank came against the Bombers, who came from five goals down to take the points. Not quite as impressive a comeback as the Blues managed in the corresponding fixture earlier in the season but still a good result. Skipper Matthew Lloyd provided one for the highlights reel with an audacious backheel goal. As mentioned earlier Freo and St Kilda played off, the Saints took the points and thus finally ended the Dockers' finals chances. Freo have been like a hammy Shakespearean actor performing a death scene for months now, staggering around the stage, falling to their knees, recovering briefly but now seemingly finally at rest. Thank God. The Western Bulldogs too are in line to exit stage left after they went down to Adelaide, the Crows season still alive for the moment. Also holding on by the skin of their teeth are the Brisbane Lions, who salvaged their second draw of the season courtesy of a massive bomb from well outside the fifty by Jonathan Brown to severely damage Sydney's chances of stealing a top four spot.
So just two rounds of the regular season to go and we're all approaching fever pitch, whether our team is looking at their first flag since the black and white era; still in contention for a top four or top eight finish; or simply tanking their way to future glory. Take it easy over the weekend- watch out for seagulls and if you're in the mood for a quiet bevvy before the footy, why not try this place- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvFormOyvBQ I don't know if they show footy, but there's darts at least! See you back here for the Round 21 wrap.
Copping a massive sentence in the lead up to the finals is the latter-day equivalent of transportation for life, minus the rum, sodomy and lash (although what happens on the end of season footy tour stays on the end of season footy tour!). Another player copping a 19th century-style sentence was Magpie Ben Johnson, who is out for the season after he took out Demon Daniel Bell with a sickening hit reminiscent of Bomber legend Michael Long's astoundingly out of character assault on young then-Demon Troy "Snake" Simmonds in the 2000 Grand Final. The Johnson hit had the effect of firing up the previously sluggish Demons, who gave the out of form Magpies a real scare before Collingwood came away with the win. Melbourne were at least able to chair skipper and club games record holder David Neitz off with a bit more pride than they did Byron Pickett some weeks back after their woeful Manuka Oval display against Sydney. The bloke who really deserved a lengthy spell on the sidelines, however, appears to have gotten away like a Telstra Dome seagull- I'm referring to the appalling hit put on ex-Magpie and Roo Sav Rocca, now of the Philadelphia Eagles, by Antwan Barnes of the Baltimore Ravens- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6U6bMPpIIc -deliberate contact to the head of an unsuspecting player while the ball is miles from the scene, that should have been season over for Barnes right there. A Rocca Knocker Shocker, you might say.
Perhaps, however, the American NFL judiciary has a similarly skewed system of justice as our own AFL Tribunal. It would appear that the seemingly ubiquitous Rocca Family are to be the holders of the unwelcome title of Last Key Player to be Rubbed Out for the Grand Final Ever- Anthony Rocca's suspension for the 2003 Grand Final playing no small part in Collingwood's hilariously dire performance as previously documented on this site. The AFL's displeasure with such a one-sided decider would explain Lions gun Jonathan Brown getting off on a technicality in 2004 and, in the most risible slash glaringly transparent verdict of all time, Barry Hall being allowed to play in 2005. Hall escaped suspension after whacking Saint Matt Maguire in the stomach with the ball nowhere in sight after the tribunal ruled that the action, illegal and dirty as it was, was somehow related to the flow of play. Don't even try and find logic in that one. Hall was simply too important to the Swans for the AFL to allow him to be absent on the big day. This Untouchables policy would also seem to apply to players in genuine contention for the Brownlow Medal- the AFL wants no repeats of the Corey McKernan/ Chris Grant embarrassments of '96/'97. Earlier this year Eagles golden boy Chris Judd, then in scintillating form, found himself before the tribunal on the unsavoury charge of eye-gouging Hawk Campbell Brown. To universal delight Judd, who is seemingly the only player on the entire West Coast list whom a prospective father in law wouldn't greet at the front door with a shotgun, was cleared. Last week Brown admitted on one of the many TV footy shows to fudging his evidence to ensure Judd got off, and was promptly fined $7500 for providing unsatisfactory evidence! Now really. What happened to the long standing tradition of not dobbing another player in at the tribunal? Nobody ever gives accurate evidence! You can imagine the tribunal members sitting around like Captain Renault in Casablanca, saying with straight faces- "We're shocked! Shocked! To discover that there has been fibbing going on in here". Talk about an open and shut case- the only bust in history that would have been easier would have been that cop who did Willy Nelson for marijuana possession some months back- incidentally, how come Cheech and Chong never got busted? Or Woody Harrellson? Or the cast of Reefer Madness? Check it out here- those people shouldn't be out on the street! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bM_vLk1I6G4
Brown's fine was part of a dismal week for the Hawks, who were also fined for having an illegal camera operating at their game (pity there wasn't one at the St Kilda-Freo match, those seagulls would have finally got their just desserts!) and then blew their match in Tassie against Port by conceding two goals in the last 30 seconds. Could be an expensive loss, considering how tight the battle is for top four spots. Port are now in pole position to take one of those spots, as are West Coast who recorded a straight forward victory over wooden spoon certainties Richmond at Subiaco. Geelong of course sewed up their top four spot some time ago and are now several games clear at the top of the ladder after a shaky win over the Carrarraroos. The Roos have now dropped three in a row, but should be able to pick up some points, form and confidence in the weeks leading into the finals. The Cats have now gone undefeated since their loss in Round 5- a club record within a single season- and the bubble of expectation continues to expand in the Corio Bay area. I recall it was around about this time of the year that the Almost Invincibles Bombers side of 2000 dropped a match unexpectedly- don't be at all surprised if the Cats happen to lose either this week or next.
One team quite adept at dropping matches is Carlton, without a win since Round 11. Carlton's latest tank came against the Bombers, who came from five goals down to take the points. Not quite as impressive a comeback as the Blues managed in the corresponding fixture earlier in the season but still a good result. Skipper Matthew Lloyd provided one for the highlights reel with an audacious backheel goal. As mentioned earlier Freo and St Kilda played off, the Saints took the points and thus finally ended the Dockers' finals chances. Freo have been like a hammy Shakespearean actor performing a death scene for months now, staggering around the stage, falling to their knees, recovering briefly but now seemingly finally at rest. Thank God. The Western Bulldogs too are in line to exit stage left after they went down to Adelaide, the Crows season still alive for the moment. Also holding on by the skin of their teeth are the Brisbane Lions, who salvaged their second draw of the season courtesy of a massive bomb from well outside the fifty by Jonathan Brown to severely damage Sydney's chances of stealing a top four spot.
So just two rounds of the regular season to go and we're all approaching fever pitch, whether our team is looking at their first flag since the black and white era; still in contention for a top four or top eight finish; or simply tanking their way to future glory. Take it easy over the weekend- watch out for seagulls and if you're in the mood for a quiet bevvy before the footy, why not try this place- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvFormOyvBQ I don't know if they show footy, but there's darts at least! See you back here for the Round 21 wrap.
16 August 2007
Round Nineteen: From Mateship to Mardi Gras
Some excellent news and some slightly sad news came my way over the last week. The good news first- with the aid of a well-placed surgical incision my sister successfully delivered a healthy baby girl last week, thereby giving all members of her extended family new and improved titles. I am now officially known as Uncle Stu. Having never been an uncle before I have had to do some research to try and work out exactly what an uncle's job is, and have considered the examples of various celebrity uncles. According to the examples presented by radio personality Uncle Doug Mulray and Comedy Company stalwart Uncle Arthur my job is simply to be an embarrassment. Shouldn't be too difficult to achieve. The Uncle Charlie from My Three Sons school dictates that being a cantankerous old prick is the way to go; while to follow the lead of Uncle Leo from Seinfeld I will need to exuberantly greet my niece at every opportunity, before proceeding to unfavourably compare her achievements to that of her horse-faced cousin Jeffrey (who works for the Parks Department). Possibly a tad difficult to pull off, that one. However the Uncle in the public eye who I would most like to emulate is the late Uncle Doug Elliot, the much-loved vaudevillian whose booming stentorian tones introduced World of Sport for many years. Uncle Doug also did many of the live ads- check out some of his best work here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3wzV7rGVwM. Clark Kent glasses? Check. Shakespearean thespian-style delivery? Check. Ability (and motivation) to throttle Lou Richards? Check and check. Bring on the kid!
The sad news referred to earlier is that the venerable Naughtons Hotel, the downfall of many a Melbourne University student, has closed its doors and is no more. As an unruly member of an unruly residential college in the mid-1990s, I undoubtedly spent more time (and unquestionably more effort) on ensuring that the pub remained solvent than I did on any of the subjects I was ostensibly studying. Mind you, anyone else with the unpleasant experience of dealing with the byzantine gnomes of the Arts Faculty bureaucracy and/or the communist (Marxist-Leninist) nutbags teaching the ideologically esoteric raft of subjects (Politics 102-210: From Mateship to Mardi Gras, anyone?) would unquestionably agree that I was in the better place. Others who agreed that Naughto's was the place to be were the 1995 Carlton premiership team, who famously celebrated long and hard there after belting the Cats in the Grand Final. The most memorable image of their celebrations featured mulleted skipper (and current board member) Stephen Kernahan belting out "Stand By Your Man" by the side of Royal Parade, before hurling his empty glass into the street. Enjoy it here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzA2nFklDo4.
The latter-day Blues did little on the weekend to allay ongoing suspicions of tanking- they started in Keystone Cops-style to allow Port Adelaide a match-winning lead, belted on 8 unanswered goals third quarter goals to hit the front and make the fans happy, then mysteriously faded to record their third honourable defeat in a row (thus keeping them in contention for a priority pick). Carlton face a difficult task this weekend when they face the stuttering Bombers- satisfactory win over an old rival or keep the pick? The Bombers' season continues to unravel, they were soundly beaten in the west by a rejuvenated Fremantle under the leadership of ex-Don Mark Harvey. Freo's week got even better later in the week when superstar skipper Matthew Pavlich signed on for another three years in the (probably mistaken) hope and belief that he would become the club's first premiership captain. I must admit to being a bit disappointed at Pav's decision. I have been hoping for some time that he would end up at Collingwood in a surprise exchange for lumbering forward Anthony Rocca, with the deal to be announced by Magpies CEO Eugene Arocca under the banner headline- "Arocca: Rocca Docker Shocker!" Oh well. Rocca's brother Sav incidentally continues to make great gains towards obtaining a starting position as a kicker at the Philadelphia Eagles, a contract worth squillions of dollars. This raises an interesting question- if Irish players are leaving Ireland en masse for the cash of the AFL, and AFL players are looking at the gold on offer in the US, how soon until the first Irishman cuts out the middle man and goes directly to the NFL? Although going directly from the round ball to the extremely pointy one without a bit of experience in kicking a slighty pointy one might prove a stumbling block there.
The Pies themselves suffered a shock defeat against the universally-written off Tigers, this could be the second year in a row in which a late season loss to a lowly opponent costs Collingwood a top four finish. The match was notable for the fact that at one point Tigers skipper Kane Johnson appeared both on TV and live at the match to be transforming into the Incredible Hulk while lining up for goal- perhaps disappointingly to comic book fans it turned out to be merely the work of some idiot in the stands with a green laser doing his best to permanently blind someone. Hopefully that same laser is now providing a vivid green hue in an uncomfortable part of its owner's anatomy courtesy of some suitably outraged supporter.
Another shock result was the hitherto hapless Demons shooting back into some late season form to comfortably account for the massively disappointing Bulldogs. The Dogs came into 2007 as the Great Victorian Hope but have never really looked like it this year. Maybe the recruitment of Jason Akermanis has proved more of a distraction than a benefit. Who knows. The Dogs are still alive but only just, as are the Saints, Crows and Lions. All four lost on the weekend but thanks to the vagaries of the 2007 draw they are all still in contention. The Saints lost to the Swans, who are gaining forward momentum with every passing week. The Crows went down to the Cats, who if they gain any more forward momentum will roll clear off the map. The Lions looked resplendent in the old Fitzroy strip against Hawthorn but unfortunately they evidently subconsciously adopted the old Fitzroy game plan too and their winning streak came to a halt. The Hawks are now the second-best team to beat, although that position has been a bit of a revolving door in recent weeks. Two former occupants, West Coast and the Carrararoos, fought out a tough one on the weekend from which the Eagles emerged victorious. The Roos are now out of the top four for the first time in quite a while but can still get back if they're good enough.
So with the weather getting better and spring on the horizon, we approach Round 20. More shocks in store? Almost certainly. So be sure to join Uncle Stu back here next week for more tenuously-football related discussion- and be sure to get a Repco Gold Star engine fitted straight away!
The sad news referred to earlier is that the venerable Naughtons Hotel, the downfall of many a Melbourne University student, has closed its doors and is no more. As an unruly member of an unruly residential college in the mid-1990s, I undoubtedly spent more time (and unquestionably more effort) on ensuring that the pub remained solvent than I did on any of the subjects I was ostensibly studying. Mind you, anyone else with the unpleasant experience of dealing with the byzantine gnomes of the Arts Faculty bureaucracy and/or the communist (Marxist-Leninist) nutbags teaching the ideologically esoteric raft of subjects (Politics 102-210: From Mateship to Mardi Gras, anyone?) would unquestionably agree that I was in the better place. Others who agreed that Naughto's was the place to be were the 1995 Carlton premiership team, who famously celebrated long and hard there after belting the Cats in the Grand Final. The most memorable image of their celebrations featured mulleted skipper (and current board member) Stephen Kernahan belting out "Stand By Your Man" by the side of Royal Parade, before hurling his empty glass into the street. Enjoy it here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzA2nFklDo4.
The latter-day Blues did little on the weekend to allay ongoing suspicions of tanking- they started in Keystone Cops-style to allow Port Adelaide a match-winning lead, belted on 8 unanswered goals third quarter goals to hit the front and make the fans happy, then mysteriously faded to record their third honourable defeat in a row (thus keeping them in contention for a priority pick). Carlton face a difficult task this weekend when they face the stuttering Bombers- satisfactory win over an old rival or keep the pick? The Bombers' season continues to unravel, they were soundly beaten in the west by a rejuvenated Fremantle under the leadership of ex-Don Mark Harvey. Freo's week got even better later in the week when superstar skipper Matthew Pavlich signed on for another three years in the (probably mistaken) hope and belief that he would become the club's first premiership captain. I must admit to being a bit disappointed at Pav's decision. I have been hoping for some time that he would end up at Collingwood in a surprise exchange for lumbering forward Anthony Rocca, with the deal to be announced by Magpies CEO Eugene Arocca under the banner headline- "Arocca: Rocca Docker Shocker!" Oh well. Rocca's brother Sav incidentally continues to make great gains towards obtaining a starting position as a kicker at the Philadelphia Eagles, a contract worth squillions of dollars. This raises an interesting question- if Irish players are leaving Ireland en masse for the cash of the AFL, and AFL players are looking at the gold on offer in the US, how soon until the first Irishman cuts out the middle man and goes directly to the NFL? Although going directly from the round ball to the extremely pointy one without a bit of experience in kicking a slighty pointy one might prove a stumbling block there.
The Pies themselves suffered a shock defeat against the universally-written off Tigers, this could be the second year in a row in which a late season loss to a lowly opponent costs Collingwood a top four finish. The match was notable for the fact that at one point Tigers skipper Kane Johnson appeared both on TV and live at the match to be transforming into the Incredible Hulk while lining up for goal- perhaps disappointingly to comic book fans it turned out to be merely the work of some idiot in the stands with a green laser doing his best to permanently blind someone. Hopefully that same laser is now providing a vivid green hue in an uncomfortable part of its owner's anatomy courtesy of some suitably outraged supporter.
Another shock result was the hitherto hapless Demons shooting back into some late season form to comfortably account for the massively disappointing Bulldogs. The Dogs came into 2007 as the Great Victorian Hope but have never really looked like it this year. Maybe the recruitment of Jason Akermanis has proved more of a distraction than a benefit. Who knows. The Dogs are still alive but only just, as are the Saints, Crows and Lions. All four lost on the weekend but thanks to the vagaries of the 2007 draw they are all still in contention. The Saints lost to the Swans, who are gaining forward momentum with every passing week. The Crows went down to the Cats, who if they gain any more forward momentum will roll clear off the map. The Lions looked resplendent in the old Fitzroy strip against Hawthorn but unfortunately they evidently subconsciously adopted the old Fitzroy game plan too and their winning streak came to a halt. The Hawks are now the second-best team to beat, although that position has been a bit of a revolving door in recent weeks. Two former occupants, West Coast and the Carrararoos, fought out a tough one on the weekend from which the Eagles emerged victorious. The Roos are now out of the top four for the first time in quite a while but can still get back if they're good enough.
So with the weather getting better and spring on the horizon, we approach Round 20. More shocks in store? Almost certainly. So be sure to join Uncle Stu back here next week for more tenuously-football related discussion- and be sure to get a Repco Gold Star engine fitted straight away!
09 August 2007
Round Eighteen: Floats Like a Butterfly
Thanks to the wonders of the internet and an incorrigible talent for procrastination in the workplace, I have discovered what must be the most instantly addictive sports song ever composed- Black Superman by Johnny Wakelin and the Kinshasa Band. Check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqMk-AuTDZE, you'll be humming it for days I swear. For sheer musicality it easily surpasses "Up There Cazaly" or anything else in the broad Mike Brady repertoire and even, although I'm loathe to admit this, "Deep In Our Hearts Everyone Barracks For Fitzroy" by genial Coodabeens strummer Greg Champion. The song is, of course, a tribute to sporting legend Muhammed Ali- one of the towering figures of the 20th century, in both sporting and political terms. His talent in the ring is one thing- there weren't too many on the same page as The Greatest. This is back in the era before heavyweight boxing joined professional wrestling, weightlifting and Tour de Farce cycling as sports with no credibility whatsoever. Ali's overall influence is something else again. Long before Kevin Sheedy came onto the scene Ali was reaching well beyond his sporting mandate and into the political sphere through the sheer force of his personality. He was disgracefully suspended from boxing for a period due to his refusal to serve in the US Armed Forces during the Vietnam War- his famous comments "No Viet Cong ever called me nigger" has become one of the iconic quotes of the civil rights era. On his comeback he became the second boxer ever to recover the then indisputed world heavyweight crown in the classic Rumble in the Jungle fight against unbackable favourite George Foreman, before Freeman went on to become the master of the fat-free grill. This fight is brilliantly covered in the Oscar-winning documentary "When We Were Kings"- if you haven't seen it then run, don't walk, to your local DVD/video library and hire it immediately. The most entertaining sports doco you will ever see, even better than "The Year of the Dogs" featuring my old Cairo mate Dan Southern. The Fresh Prince did a reasonable job of playing Ali in the movie of the same name but nobody could play the Man as well as the Man himself. It's fascinating not only to see the sheer energy of the pre-Parkinsons Ali in the lead-up to the fight and in the ring playing rope-a-dope with Foreman, but also to see the then Zaire in its wacky Mobutu Sese Seko nutbag era. Mobutu spent some outrageous sum of money to get the fight- probably a fair proportion of the country's GDP for the entire decade- and then didn't actually attend, watching it at home on CCTV (with Ugandan psychopath Idi Amin, if the movie version is accurate). The beleaguered Zaireans loved the outspoken Ali- the chant of "Ali, bomaye! (Ali, kill him!) was ubiquitous during his stay in the country. It is a matter of historical debate whether the Zaireans were requesting that Ali kill Foreman or their larcenous head of state Mobutu, who was building giant palaces out in the jungle and holidaying in Cannes while the population desperately tried to eke out some kind of a living. Talk about a bad run- imagine surviving the hand-chopping bastardry of the Belgian colonial era (and a visit from an imperialist Tintin) and then copping as a leader one of the worst kleptomaniacs in history wearing a gay-looking leopard skin hat! No wonder Ali was a welcome distraction. I supported DR Congo in their 2006 African Nations Cup soccer campaign (held in Egypt), partly in solidarity with the Congolese people and their tragic history and partly because their European coach was a dead ringer for the bloke who plays Wormtail in the Harry Potter movies.
So what does any of that have to do with AFL football? Two somewhat tenuous connections- Ali got a standing ovation from a misty-eyed crowd at the 1998 Grand Final; and he was also famed for his incredibly quick wit and comic timing during press conferences. As is Kevin Sheedy and, it surprisingly emerges, his previously taciturn ex-assistant Mark Harvey, now the acting coach at the Dockers. Freo have been mooting the possibility of getting Sheedy to act in a managerial role while retaining Harvey as coach. When this was put to Harvey in a press conference he responded that he had heard that Sheedy had been offered a number of jobs, including a part-time role in "Kath and Kim" and the management of the Partridge Family in the place of Reuben Kincaid! Comic gold. If lines like that weren't already enough to secure Harvey the Freo gig for 2008, he led the unlikely Dockers to a stirring victory in the Derby match against hated foes West Coast. Fortunately firey Docker Des Headland was out injured, thus preventing a potentially violent rematch with familially sledging Eagle Adam Selwood. Freo star Josh Carr was best on ground, thus providing newspaper headline writers with any number of gratifying possibilities- "Runaway Carr!" was one good example, "Carr-riffic!" a less successful attempt.
While Harvey's quips were met with universal applause, his fellow caretaker Mark Riley's venture onto the comedy circuit met with less success. Riley had given ex-Roo and Powerite Byron Pickett the honour of captaining Melbourne in his 200th game against Sydney at historic Manuka Oval, only for Pickett to win the toss and kick into the wind- quarter time Sydney five goals to nil and the game all but over. When asked about Pickett's odd decision later Riley quipped that it was possibly the result of an "indigenous instinct". Cue the tumbleweeds and howling coyote, not the best road Riley could have gone down at a time when indigenous issues and sensitivies are very much on the Australian political agenda. Pickett wasn't too bothered though. And Melbourne definitely have bigger problems to worry about, they were absolutely woeful in front of a small but appreciative crowd including myself and my Magpie brother-in-law. Sydney are coming good at the right time of the year, they'll do some damage come finals time.
Also woeful were Essendon against Hawthorn at the 'G, getting soundly flogged. My Hawk brother-in-law didn't make it to the game, being otherwise engaged in pacing the corridors of the maternity hospital where my sister's first-born was stubbornly refusing to exit its comfortable premises. Five days later and the kid still hasn't emerged. Hopefully some time this weekend we'll have a satisfactory resolution and I can pass out the cigars. Essendon's decision to axe Sheedy but let him coach out the season is starting to look a bit dodgy as the Dons didn't show any passion at all. At the start of the season if you'd offered Bombers fans nine wins including consecutive one pointers over last year's Grand Finalists we probably would have taken it, but after looking so good early on it's disappointing to see the side down with the also-runs again. Always next year!
Two topics of a controversial nature dominated the airwaves this week- the first was the question of "tanking" ie. throwing matches in order to obtain early draft picks. The very notion was loudly disclaimed by all and sundry, but for some reason Carlton keep losing from winnable positions while key players are taken off early...this time the Blues matched Collingwood for three quarters before mysteriously fading away. If the Blues don't win again they'll take the first priority pick, which must be enormously frustrating for Tigers fans who have suffered through an abysmal season and now probably won't even get the number one draft pick. Probably just as well, Richmond are not exactly famous for using the number one draft picks wisely, Richard Lounder anyone? Anthony Banik? The Tiges did show signs of improvement in their rematch against the Cats, recording an 87 point improvement on the first match to lose by a mere 70. The odds on a Richmond win were apparently the biggest in AFL history, for good reason as it turned out. The highlight of the match was Cats ruckman Steven King's goal-line screamer- over the goal umpire! Not since field umpire Peter Carey took a chest mark in a Freo- St Kilda game has an umpire played such a great cameo in an AFL match.
The other issue of discussion was brought about by motormouthed Lion turned Bulldog Jason Akermanis- or "Yakermanis", as he's been dubbed by wags in the Murdoch press- who wrote a column suggesting that he suspected an opponent in a match some years back had been on some form of performance-enhancing substance. Aker didn't name the opponent, but the press did- Michael Braun of the West Coast Eagles, the same bloke who shot to fame early on in 2007 by delivering a profanity-laced acceptance speech in the Derby match against Freo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPNIf4vMc-I, the stunned commentators reactions are priceless). Naturally enough Braun denied the allegations, and West Coast officials were somehow able to keep straight faces while saying how outrageous it was to insinuate an Eagles player had used an illicit substance... A backlash ensued against Akermanis, for a time there was the ludicrous possibility that the first player to be banned under the AFL drugs code would be the bloke who suggested someone else might be using, but fortunately sanity has so far prevailed in that regard.
Aker's Bulldogs went into their Friday night match against the Saints knowing that they could not afford to lose, and duly didn't. They didn't win either though, this game resulted in the second draw of the 2007 season after Saints star Nick Reiwoldt tied the scores with a behind in the final seconds. The big winners from this game were the Brisbane Lions, who had previously boasted a huge but irrelevant percentage courtesy of their own draw with Richmond earlier on. All of a sudden that percentage is right back in play, and after the Lions accounted for "local rivals" the Cararraroos it was good enough to propel them into the eight after they had looked gone for all money a month or so ago. Also still alive are the Adelaide Crows, who came from behind in their Showdown match against Port to take the points in the wet.
So as we head into the final month of the home and away season there's still many questions to be answered. Will Carlton tank again? Is Mark Harvey available to MC bucks nights and bar mitzvahs? Will I ever get that Muhammed Ali song out of my head? Can my niece or nephew find the correct exit? Find out back here next week as the Wrap tackles Round Nineteen.
So what does any of that have to do with AFL football? Two somewhat tenuous connections- Ali got a standing ovation from a misty-eyed crowd at the 1998 Grand Final; and he was also famed for his incredibly quick wit and comic timing during press conferences. As is Kevin Sheedy and, it surprisingly emerges, his previously taciturn ex-assistant Mark Harvey, now the acting coach at the Dockers. Freo have been mooting the possibility of getting Sheedy to act in a managerial role while retaining Harvey as coach. When this was put to Harvey in a press conference he responded that he had heard that Sheedy had been offered a number of jobs, including a part-time role in "Kath and Kim" and the management of the Partridge Family in the place of Reuben Kincaid! Comic gold. If lines like that weren't already enough to secure Harvey the Freo gig for 2008, he led the unlikely Dockers to a stirring victory in the Derby match against hated foes West Coast. Fortunately firey Docker Des Headland was out injured, thus preventing a potentially violent rematch with familially sledging Eagle Adam Selwood. Freo star Josh Carr was best on ground, thus providing newspaper headline writers with any number of gratifying possibilities- "Runaway Carr!" was one good example, "Carr-riffic!" a less successful attempt.
While Harvey's quips were met with universal applause, his fellow caretaker Mark Riley's venture onto the comedy circuit met with less success. Riley had given ex-Roo and Powerite Byron Pickett the honour of captaining Melbourne in his 200th game against Sydney at historic Manuka Oval, only for Pickett to win the toss and kick into the wind- quarter time Sydney five goals to nil and the game all but over. When asked about Pickett's odd decision later Riley quipped that it was possibly the result of an "indigenous instinct". Cue the tumbleweeds and howling coyote, not the best road Riley could have gone down at a time when indigenous issues and sensitivies are very much on the Australian political agenda. Pickett wasn't too bothered though. And Melbourne definitely have bigger problems to worry about, they were absolutely woeful in front of a small but appreciative crowd including myself and my Magpie brother-in-law. Sydney are coming good at the right time of the year, they'll do some damage come finals time.
Also woeful were Essendon against Hawthorn at the 'G, getting soundly flogged. My Hawk brother-in-law didn't make it to the game, being otherwise engaged in pacing the corridors of the maternity hospital where my sister's first-born was stubbornly refusing to exit its comfortable premises. Five days later and the kid still hasn't emerged. Hopefully some time this weekend we'll have a satisfactory resolution and I can pass out the cigars. Essendon's decision to axe Sheedy but let him coach out the season is starting to look a bit dodgy as the Dons didn't show any passion at all. At the start of the season if you'd offered Bombers fans nine wins including consecutive one pointers over last year's Grand Finalists we probably would have taken it, but after looking so good early on it's disappointing to see the side down with the also-runs again. Always next year!
Two topics of a controversial nature dominated the airwaves this week- the first was the question of "tanking" ie. throwing matches in order to obtain early draft picks. The very notion was loudly disclaimed by all and sundry, but for some reason Carlton keep losing from winnable positions while key players are taken off early...this time the Blues matched Collingwood for three quarters before mysteriously fading away. If the Blues don't win again they'll take the first priority pick, which must be enormously frustrating for Tigers fans who have suffered through an abysmal season and now probably won't even get the number one draft pick. Probably just as well, Richmond are not exactly famous for using the number one draft picks wisely, Richard Lounder anyone? Anthony Banik? The Tiges did show signs of improvement in their rematch against the Cats, recording an 87 point improvement on the first match to lose by a mere 70. The odds on a Richmond win were apparently the biggest in AFL history, for good reason as it turned out. The highlight of the match was Cats ruckman Steven King's goal-line screamer- over the goal umpire! Not since field umpire Peter Carey took a chest mark in a Freo- St Kilda game has an umpire played such a great cameo in an AFL match.
The other issue of discussion was brought about by motormouthed Lion turned Bulldog Jason Akermanis- or "Yakermanis", as he's been dubbed by wags in the Murdoch press- who wrote a column suggesting that he suspected an opponent in a match some years back had been on some form of performance-enhancing substance. Aker didn't name the opponent, but the press did- Michael Braun of the West Coast Eagles, the same bloke who shot to fame early on in 2007 by delivering a profanity-laced acceptance speech in the Derby match against Freo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPNIf4vMc-I, the stunned commentators reactions are priceless). Naturally enough Braun denied the allegations, and West Coast officials were somehow able to keep straight faces while saying how outrageous it was to insinuate an Eagles player had used an illicit substance... A backlash ensued against Akermanis, for a time there was the ludicrous possibility that the first player to be banned under the AFL drugs code would be the bloke who suggested someone else might be using, but fortunately sanity has so far prevailed in that regard.
Aker's Bulldogs went into their Friday night match against the Saints knowing that they could not afford to lose, and duly didn't. They didn't win either though, this game resulted in the second draw of the 2007 season after Saints star Nick Reiwoldt tied the scores with a behind in the final seconds. The big winners from this game were the Brisbane Lions, who had previously boasted a huge but irrelevant percentage courtesy of their own draw with Richmond earlier on. All of a sudden that percentage is right back in play, and after the Lions accounted for "local rivals" the Cararraroos it was good enough to propel them into the eight after they had looked gone for all money a month or so ago. Also still alive are the Adelaide Crows, who came from behind in their Showdown match against Port to take the points in the wet.
So as we head into the final month of the home and away season there's still many questions to be answered. Will Carlton tank again? Is Mark Harvey available to MC bucks nights and bar mitzvahs? Will I ever get that Muhammed Ali song out of my head? Can my niece or nephew find the correct exit? Find out back here next week as the Wrap tackles Round Nineteen.
02 August 2007
Round Seventeen: The Black and White Cycle of Life
An amazing week just gone- not a single coach was shown the door! Following the absolute carnage in the fortnight preceding, this was a remarkable achievement. In the absence of any further bloodletting, the media's focus was firmly on the possible coaching permutations for season 2008. There was general consensus that Michael Voss would end up at Carlton (if he didn't go to Essendon), Chris Connolly was a shoe-in at Melbourne (provided the Dees didn't go with Kevin Sheedy), Fremantle would definitely go with an ex-Bomber in the form of Kevin Sheedy, Neale Daniher or Mark Harvey (as long as Dean Laidley couldn't be lured from the Carrararoos), and Essendon would be coached by a favourite son in Mark "Bomber" Thompson (if he was willing to leave the Cats, if not then by Neale Daniher. Or Mark Harvey, Dean Bailey, Damien Hardwick or maybe Derek Kickett). Then Voss decided he wasn't ready to coach just yet and Thompson refused to negotiate with anyone until season's end, thus throwing the carefully prepared coaching matrix into chaos. God knows who's going to end up where now. There's still a possibility that the rebel army of disaffected Bombers will seize control of the board and reinstate Sheedy with the view to grooming retiring skipper and possibly best-ever Bomber James Hird for the job. Will keep a close eye on further developments in the area of coaching appointments as they continue to unfold.
I wrote with nostalgia last week about my great childhood memory of seeing my team redeem themselves by avenging a Grand Final defeat. I'm well aware that I'm very fortunate in this regard, there are a lot of supporters out there my age who wouldn't have seen their team play in a Grand Final at all (Bulldogs), or who are waiting in vain for their side to atone for disappointment on the last day in September (Saints, Tigers, Demons, and especially Cats). The Cats were a tad unfortunate in their hapless Buffalo Bills-style Grand Final appearances of the early 1990s in that they kept on coming up against sides who had their own defeat-based motivations for winning. Geelong's attempt in 1992 to redeem their 1989 defeat was stymied by West Coast, seeking salvation for their own defeat the year before. The Cats of 1994 had the responsibility for gaining revenge for the '92 defeat, as well as '89, but got flogged. Fronting up the next year carrying the combined weight of the '89, '92 and '94 losses, the Pivotonians were never a chance against a Blues team wanting to make amends for their '93 defeat against Essendon (who'd gone down in '90). The Cats were soundly thumped again and slunk off into a corner to lick their wounds for the next decade. Until this season, when they're back at the right end of the ladder again and seemingly heading inexorably towards the Big Match. The way it's looking, though, their opponents could well be their old '90s bugbear the West Coast Eagles...I'm sure there'd be more than a few nervous Geelong people if that does end up being the Grand Final match-up.
But if Geelong folk have had their fair share of Grand Final disappointment spare a thought for those in the Black and White army. Contrary to popular opinion, there are some quite ordinary and decent citizens who happen to follow the Collingwood Football Club. My brother-in-law is one, my ex-boss in Cairo another (despite his unfortunate penchant for sporting the kind of garish ties that even flamboyant former Minister for Immigration Al Grassby would have rejected on sight as being "a bit lairy"). But the stereotypical image of Magpies fans- bitter, twisted, one-eyed, arrogant when winning, churlish when losing, insufferable in either case- is largely accurate from my experience. My late unlamented co-habitor Surly the Slightly Unsociable Housemate was one such case; the kind of character, as Rowan Atkinson once archly observed, one emigrates to avoid. But, like snarling malcontents on dismal English council estates, Collingwood people cannot be held completely responsible for their objectionable personalities. Consider, if you will, the childhood of a hypothetical Magpie supporter conceived at half-time of the 1970 Grand Final (I'm sure there were at least a couple!) by parents who had suffered through the narrow defeats of '64 and '66 and who were sure that a 44 point buffer at the long break would surely be enough to declare the premiership drought over. Two quarters later, the post-coital glow had well and truly faded as a handball-inspired revolution had swept Carlton past their shell-shocked opponents and onto the premiership dais in one of the most famous matches in history. Deep inside the womb the barely fertilised fetus was overwhelmed by a sense of sour disappointment, a feeling that would become all too familiar over the years to come. Growing up, the young 'Pie would have endured the club's first ever wooden spoon ('76); the dizziness of bouncing back the following season and making the Grand Final, only to draw it and then lose the replay; the heartbreak of losing to Carlton again in '79 by five points; the thrill of making the Grand Final from fifth place in '80 only to cop an 81 point hiding; and then the shattering experience of losing to Carlton again in '81. That's a lot to cop for an 11 year old. By the time the Magpies made the breakthrough in '90 and finally won a flag, our hypothetical fan was already 20 and his regulation issue Collingwood personality set in stone.
No doubt the unthinkable pleasures unleashed by seeing his team actually perform on Grand Final led to a repeat performance of siring a son and heir, although given the entertainment provided by the half-time brawl romantic interaction was probably delayed until after the fulltime siren had actually sounded. This latest addition to the Carringbush Clan would have grown up with the Magpies at the wrong end of the ladder, taking their second wooden spoon in '99. However by the time junior reached high school in '02 the Pies were back in the Grand Final action against Brisbane- they lost, but gallantly. When the two sides met again 12 months later the Collingwood army was salivating in anticipation of sweet revenge...but it all went horribly wrong. I've mentioned the '03 Grand Final before in the Wrap as it is one of the most remarkable matches you'll ever see- Collingwood looked like the Washington Generals playing the Harlem Globetrotters. It wouldn't have surprised at all if Brisbane skipper Michael Voss had pulled out a stepladder and taken a speccie over some hapless defender before spinning the ball on his finger and doing an overhead kick through the sticks. The most iconic moment of the game came when Pies defender Rhys Shaw attempted to run the ball out of defence but inexplicably dropped the ball at the feet of Lion Alistair Lynch, who nonchalantly picked it up and booted it through. Game over. Another Grand Final lost, another shattering experience for Magpies fans of all ages. And the most amazing thing about the match was the fact that the same two sides had met two weeks previously and Collingwood had won easily. It must have been deja vu all over again for Pies fans on the weekend because they again went in to play Brisbane at the MCG as firm favourites and got absolutely belted by 90-odd points. After looking good for a top two finish only a month ago Collingwood are now staring down the barrel of missing the finals altogether. Still, sooner or later Collingwood will be in the Grand Final again and either win it or look as though they might, and a whole new generation of Magpies will be conceived to endure their own September disappointments. That's how the black and white cycle of life goes.
It was a weekend of shellackings all round, the Bulldogs copped their second straight Friday night hiding and tumbled out of the eight courtesy of their mangled percentage. This time the frighteningly resurgent Eagles were the instigators in a match marred by the ridiculous decision to allow West Coast to wear their royal blue away jumpers against a team with a royal blue home jumper. Which colour-blind idiot approved that one? How hard is it to make sure that the two teams are wearing distinguishable uniforms? Port Adelaide likewise beat up on the hapless Demons, putting a dent in caretaker Mark Riley's chances of retaining his position at Melbourne. His fellow caretaker Mark Harvey (at Fremantle) also suffered a big loss at the hands of rampant Geelong, Cats fans were no doubt relieved that the resignation of Number 1 fan Steve Bracks as Premier of Victoria did not jinx the side. Bracks' resignation, incidentally, got about a quarter of the press of Kevin Sheedy's sacking, Victorians have their priorities right! Sydney took the points without breaking a sweat against the continually dismal Richmond.
There were a few close ones too- the Bombers won for Kevin Sheedy, as we had all hoped they would. Adelaide, wearing red jumpers for some unapparent reason, were the fall guys and are now a game behind the pace although they do have a very good percentage. Carlton were much improved under caretaker Brett Ratten but the Saints had enough in reserve to take the four points. And Hawthorn's Fortress Launceston was breached by the massively surprising Carrararoos, who are responsible for widespread indigestion amongst many a tipster forced to eat his or her hat.
God that's a long post! Hope some of that made sense. Another weekend looms, and it is fair to say that the 2007 finals series is well under way already with a number of games being absolute must-wins. The battle to take part in the September action is one of the closest in years and August promises to be a belter of a month. Hope your team's a winner (unless you're a Magpie fan, for whom suffering is good for the soul), see you back here for Round 18.
I wrote with nostalgia last week about my great childhood memory of seeing my team redeem themselves by avenging a Grand Final defeat. I'm well aware that I'm very fortunate in this regard, there are a lot of supporters out there my age who wouldn't have seen their team play in a Grand Final at all (Bulldogs), or who are waiting in vain for their side to atone for disappointment on the last day in September (Saints, Tigers, Demons, and especially Cats). The Cats were a tad unfortunate in their hapless Buffalo Bills-style Grand Final appearances of the early 1990s in that they kept on coming up against sides who had their own defeat-based motivations for winning. Geelong's attempt in 1992 to redeem their 1989 defeat was stymied by West Coast, seeking salvation for their own defeat the year before. The Cats of 1994 had the responsibility for gaining revenge for the '92 defeat, as well as '89, but got flogged. Fronting up the next year carrying the combined weight of the '89, '92 and '94 losses, the Pivotonians were never a chance against a Blues team wanting to make amends for their '93 defeat against Essendon (who'd gone down in '90). The Cats were soundly thumped again and slunk off into a corner to lick their wounds for the next decade. Until this season, when they're back at the right end of the ladder again and seemingly heading inexorably towards the Big Match. The way it's looking, though, their opponents could well be their old '90s bugbear the West Coast Eagles...I'm sure there'd be more than a few nervous Geelong people if that does end up being the Grand Final match-up.
But if Geelong folk have had their fair share of Grand Final disappointment spare a thought for those in the Black and White army. Contrary to popular opinion, there are some quite ordinary and decent citizens who happen to follow the Collingwood Football Club. My brother-in-law is one, my ex-boss in Cairo another (despite his unfortunate penchant for sporting the kind of garish ties that even flamboyant former Minister for Immigration Al Grassby would have rejected on sight as being "a bit lairy"). But the stereotypical image of Magpies fans- bitter, twisted, one-eyed, arrogant when winning, churlish when losing, insufferable in either case- is largely accurate from my experience. My late unlamented co-habitor Surly the Slightly Unsociable Housemate was one such case; the kind of character, as Rowan Atkinson once archly observed, one emigrates to avoid. But, like snarling malcontents on dismal English council estates, Collingwood people cannot be held completely responsible for their objectionable personalities. Consider, if you will, the childhood of a hypothetical Magpie supporter conceived at half-time of the 1970 Grand Final (I'm sure there were at least a couple!) by parents who had suffered through the narrow defeats of '64 and '66 and who were sure that a 44 point buffer at the long break would surely be enough to declare the premiership drought over. Two quarters later, the post-coital glow had well and truly faded as a handball-inspired revolution had swept Carlton past their shell-shocked opponents and onto the premiership dais in one of the most famous matches in history. Deep inside the womb the barely fertilised fetus was overwhelmed by a sense of sour disappointment, a feeling that would become all too familiar over the years to come. Growing up, the young 'Pie would have endured the club's first ever wooden spoon ('76); the dizziness of bouncing back the following season and making the Grand Final, only to draw it and then lose the replay; the heartbreak of losing to Carlton again in '79 by five points; the thrill of making the Grand Final from fifth place in '80 only to cop an 81 point hiding; and then the shattering experience of losing to Carlton again in '81. That's a lot to cop for an 11 year old. By the time the Magpies made the breakthrough in '90 and finally won a flag, our hypothetical fan was already 20 and his regulation issue Collingwood personality set in stone.
No doubt the unthinkable pleasures unleashed by seeing his team actually perform on Grand Final led to a repeat performance of siring a son and heir, although given the entertainment provided by the half-time brawl romantic interaction was probably delayed until after the fulltime siren had actually sounded. This latest addition to the Carringbush Clan would have grown up with the Magpies at the wrong end of the ladder, taking their second wooden spoon in '99. However by the time junior reached high school in '02 the Pies were back in the Grand Final action against Brisbane- they lost, but gallantly. When the two sides met again 12 months later the Collingwood army was salivating in anticipation of sweet revenge...but it all went horribly wrong. I've mentioned the '03 Grand Final before in the Wrap as it is one of the most remarkable matches you'll ever see- Collingwood looked like the Washington Generals playing the Harlem Globetrotters. It wouldn't have surprised at all if Brisbane skipper Michael Voss had pulled out a stepladder and taken a speccie over some hapless defender before spinning the ball on his finger and doing an overhead kick through the sticks. The most iconic moment of the game came when Pies defender Rhys Shaw attempted to run the ball out of defence but inexplicably dropped the ball at the feet of Lion Alistair Lynch, who nonchalantly picked it up and booted it through. Game over. Another Grand Final lost, another shattering experience for Magpies fans of all ages. And the most amazing thing about the match was the fact that the same two sides had met two weeks previously and Collingwood had won easily. It must have been deja vu all over again for Pies fans on the weekend because they again went in to play Brisbane at the MCG as firm favourites and got absolutely belted by 90-odd points. After looking good for a top two finish only a month ago Collingwood are now staring down the barrel of missing the finals altogether. Still, sooner or later Collingwood will be in the Grand Final again and either win it or look as though they might, and a whole new generation of Magpies will be conceived to endure their own September disappointments. That's how the black and white cycle of life goes.
It was a weekend of shellackings all round, the Bulldogs copped their second straight Friday night hiding and tumbled out of the eight courtesy of their mangled percentage. This time the frighteningly resurgent Eagles were the instigators in a match marred by the ridiculous decision to allow West Coast to wear their royal blue away jumpers against a team with a royal blue home jumper. Which colour-blind idiot approved that one? How hard is it to make sure that the two teams are wearing distinguishable uniforms? Port Adelaide likewise beat up on the hapless Demons, putting a dent in caretaker Mark Riley's chances of retaining his position at Melbourne. His fellow caretaker Mark Harvey (at Fremantle) also suffered a big loss at the hands of rampant Geelong, Cats fans were no doubt relieved that the resignation of Number 1 fan Steve Bracks as Premier of Victoria did not jinx the side. Bracks' resignation, incidentally, got about a quarter of the press of Kevin Sheedy's sacking, Victorians have their priorities right! Sydney took the points without breaking a sweat against the continually dismal Richmond.
There were a few close ones too- the Bombers won for Kevin Sheedy, as we had all hoped they would. Adelaide, wearing red jumpers for some unapparent reason, were the fall guys and are now a game behind the pace although they do have a very good percentage. Carlton were much improved under caretaker Brett Ratten but the Saints had enough in reserve to take the four points. And Hawthorn's Fortress Launceston was breached by the massively surprising Carrararoos, who are responsible for widespread indigestion amongst many a tipster forced to eat his or her hat.
God that's a long post! Hope some of that made sense. Another weekend looms, and it is fair to say that the 2007 finals series is well under way already with a number of games being absolute must-wins. The battle to take part in the September action is one of the closest in years and August promises to be a belter of a month. Hope your team's a winner (unless you're a Magpie fan, for whom suffering is good for the soul), see you back here for Round 18.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
