Round One: The Mystery of the AFL Time/Space Vortex

Anyone who spent weeks last September wondering why after going to the trouble of writing up every round of the 2007 AFL season I would choose to ignore the finals will be well aware that timing is not the Wrap's strong point. After a largely uneventful off-season which offered no shortage of spare time for an array of passtime pursuits, the dawning of season 2008 saw my work life explode into activity, presenting little time for any extracurricular activity beyond the occasional teethbrushing and change of socks. So it was with great regret that I had to shelve plans for a giant wrap up of the many headlines that the AFL had produced over the offseason. No time to write up Ben Cousins' amazing career implosion involving a shirtless arrest, a media frenzy as he vanished into the Los Angeles underground A-Team style and then later appeared alongside loudmouthed boxer Anthony Mundine in a scarely convincing "Sportsmen Against Drugs" event- such is life. No opportunity either to explore the mad bad world of the ex-champion but now universally reviled figure of Wayne Carey- a shame, as I had wanted to put forward the theory that lamentable womens' mag New Idea had approached Carey for a tell all interview with the plan of kidnapping him when he turned up, then sending him off to Afghanistan to take the place of Prince Harry, thereby winning back for the disgraced mag some credit with the British Royal Family. Not even time to discuss the biggest question emenating from Magpie rookie Sharrod Wellingham's disastrous drinkdriving arrest which cost Collingwood half a million dollars in sponsorship from the Transport Accident Commission- why is he called "Sharrod"?!! You can't just combine "Sharon" and "Jarryd" and call it a name! And alas, I was "caught short" in attempts to put to print a response to the nocturnal toiletary exploits of longtime buffoon Brendan Fevola from Carlton or Tiger skipper Kane Johnson- I was a tad "pissed off" about that but, mercifully, neither I nor the players concerned were "browned off".
No, by the time I got the chance to sit down and think about anything to do with footy Round One had already arrived. Much to my surprise this year we are celebrating 150 years of Australian Rules Football- surprising as I seem to recall just over a decade ago we were marking a century of the same game. Evidently the AFL is operating in a time/space vortex different to the rest of planet Earth. Still, it's great that the footy's back on again, let's review Round One.
With Easter coming far earlier in 2008 than in any year I can remember (perhaps it too is subject to the time/space laws of the AFL) Round One kicked off on a Thursday night with a big doubleheader event across two states. And there was excellent news for Power fans over in South Australia, where the Port Adelaide side demonstrated an amazing 110 point improvement since its last game. If Port can keep up this rate of improvement they'll win the 2008 Grand Final by...approximately 2400 points. Unfortunately even such a turnaround wasn't enough to get past their 2007 conquerers Geelong, whose premiership defence kicked off with a 9 point victory. The build up to the other game, between 2007 cellar dwellers Carlton and Richmond, had featured almost exclusively on the move to the Blues of champion Eagles skipper Chris Judd. "Juddernaught", "Bigger Than Barassi" and "Juddy Hell" screamed the headlines, while the articles below focused on how this latter day second coming (combined with a small army of Number 1 draft picks) was going to propel the Blues up the ladder after years of lowly finishes, starting with Round One. Sadly for the Blues the Tigers, just as they did in the Sheedy/Hird tribute game in 2007, had failed to realise that their designated role in the whole affair was to come in second and instead took the points.
Saturday saw an interesting contest between the youthful exuberance of Collingwood, who had come oh so close to a Grand Final in 2007, and the ageing Dockers of Fremantle. Freo in 2008 resembles a Windy Hill retirement home, in much the same way as Essendon itself in recent years has operated as a Benevolent Home for Elderly Blues and the Roos for a time were completely enamoured of anything at all from Glenferrie with a couple of miles on the clock. In the event youth had its fling and the Magpies finished ahead of their purple foes.
Another interstate doubleheader on Saturday night. In the West the Eagles, whose playing personnel have no doubt been read the riot act by every club and state government official from the Premier to the bootstrapper after their scandalous 2007, opened their 2008 campaign with a win over the Brisbane Lions. At the Dome it was the preseason cup winners St Kilda hosting the Sydney Swans. These two sides have played some absolute shockers in recent years, and this match was no exception. Unfortunately those of us based in non-traditional AFL states or territories are subjected to live telecasts of every last Swans game- what the AFL doesn't realise is that any hypothetical 8 year old forced by well meaning but tragically misguided parents to sit through their low scoring, defensive flooding, error ridden appearances is highly likely to demand a membership to the Waratahs, Raiders or Mariners as soon as their next birthday comes around. As three quarter time approached and neither side had scored a goal in nearly a quarter of play I could take no more and switched over to Galaxy Quest on a competing channel. I'm sure I wasn't the only one. The paper the next day informed me that the Saints had gotten up. Whoopee.
Two matches in Victoria with vastly different outcomes on Easter Sunday, neither of which got a run on the box. At the MCG the Hawks delivered the mother of all beltings to the hapless Demons, leading to a run of headlines along the lines of "Dee-saster!", "Dee-abolical" and "Dee-rie Me, What a Shocker!" Across town it was a very different story, with the Western Bulldogs celebrating their skipper and favourite son Brad Johnson's 300th game with a stirring three point victory over the Adelaide Crows. The ever-grinning and eminently-likeable Johnson himself was the hero, with three last quarter goals getting his side across the line.
The final game for the Easter weekend took place on Monday between Essendon and the Roos. Both teams had been the subject of much interest in the off-season: the Bombers after finally biting the bullet and farewelling coaching legend Kevin Sheedy after 27 seasons; the Roos after they had finally bitten the bullet and decided that their future lay in Victoria. After unsuccessful experiments with playing the odd home game in Sydney (as the Harbouroos), in Canberra (the Canberroos) and the Gold Coast (the Cararraroos), the Roos decided in the off season to turn down a gazillion dollar offer from the AFL to up stakes and move to Queensland permanently (like any number of once-loved but now expendible Neighbours characters) and instead announced that from here on in they would go by the moniker of North Melbourne, dammit! And they started 2008 in spectacular fashion, racing away from the Bombers in the early stages to open up a 27 point lead early in the second quarter. With Dons champion Scott Lucas carried off with a knee injury it all looked grim for the black and red army- whither Sheeds? But then it all turned on its head. As the youthful Bomber midfield fleet demonstrated an astounding combination of speed and skill North Melbourne visibly wilted, and much to the ecstacy of many a Don fan raced away to record a stunning 55 point victory. It was a belter to watch- you could take any random five minutes of the match and find more highlights than the entire Saints-Swans shocker had to offer. Given that speed and skill have been somewhat unknown quantities at Essendon for many years (anyone attending the 2006/7 Anzac Day debacles will know what I mean), there was little surprise that the question being asked after the game had gone (fairly or not) from "Whither Sheeds?" to "Sheedy Who?"
And so footy has returned in all its glory for another year when many such questions will be asked, some will be answered and all too many players will find ever new ways to appear in the headlines for reasons unrelated to speed and skill. Return to this web address in weeks ahead as we examine the events of each round and try to make sense of it all. Hope your team was on the winner's list in Round One- footy's back!