Round Twenty-Two: The Final Stanza

The demeanours of AFL fans arriving for work on the Monday following the unbelievably tumultuous Round 22 were somewhat disparate, depending on the fortunes of the club to which their emotions were tied. Cats supporters wore a now familiar expression of smugness blended with expectation, with only a small side serving of trepidation. Hawks supporters too were overwhelmingly positive, although perhaps just mildly more trepidatious than their Sleepy Hollow cousins. Bulldogs fans had an air of righteously aggrieved disgruntlement; the Crows faithful looked like they’d purchased a winning lottery ticket but seen it blow out of their hands and out of sight around a corner; Saints supporters looked like they’d wandered innocently onto said winning lottery ticket; and the barrackers of the Kangaroos and Magpies looked like they’d spotted the winning lottery ticket from across the street, but had been run down by a cement truck whilst crossing the street to pick it up.

Swans fans wore a new found air of confidence; supporters of the Tigers, Power and Dockers looked like survivors at the end of a zombie movie, emerging blinking into the sunlight after a very long night; Bombers, Blues and Lions' supporters looked as though they too had survived a long night, only to emerge blinking into a solar eclipse; and the few remaining unfortunates still waving a tattered flag for the Eagles and Demons just looked relieved that the whole miserable affair was at long last over.

The round kicked off over in the west, where the Dockers hosted the Magpies in a rare Collingwood foray away from the MCG. The late season Magpie resurgence had put them in the position of being a contender for the last final four spot and accompanying double chance, provided they could beat the Dockers and other results went their way. But it wasn't to be. The Pies chose the worst time possible to produce their feeblest showing for 2008, never in the match and duly beaten by a far more committed Dockers side. Freo fans must have been wondering what might have been if their team hadn't blown so many close games earlier in the season. With a massive outflux of senior players- joined by ex-Don Mark Johnson, ex-Port premiership player Josh Carr and troubled genius the Wiz Jeff Farmer- and with Rising Star winner Ryan Crowley on board, perhaps youth is the way forward for Fremantle. Surely after fourteen pretty abysmal years they'll get their act together sooner or later.

Collingwood's Friday night capitulation opened the door for North Melbourne to sew up fourth spot on the Saturday afternoon, provided they could account at home for a Port side which had massively underachieved in 2008. But, in another massive upset ,the Kangaroos folded like a cheap Taiwanese umbrella and got absolutely belted. Any unread observer wandering into the MCG would have leapt to the conclusion that the gentlemen in teal had everything to play for, while those in the blue and white stripes had one eye already on their Mad Monday festivities. A hugely disappointing way for Roos stalwart Shannon Grant to bring up his 300th, and coach Dean Laidley duly offered an apology to the Grant clan and North supporters in general. Port fans will hope that their 2009 follows on from their last performance in 2008, after their 2008 never recovered from their last performance in 2007.

Anyone with a spare $10,000 was given the opportunity to turn it into $10,100, easy as pie. All they had to do was put the lot on Geelong to beat West Coast at Kardinia Park. Given that the Cats had given the Eagles the mother of all shellackings over at Subiaco earlier in the season, this was as close to a sure bet as is possible in a two horse race. And so it duly proved, with the Cats ultimately triumphant by 99 points to equal Essendon's 2000 record of 21 wins out of 22 home and away matches. There were a few nervous moments for the big punters early, with the Eagles matching the Cats in the first quarter, but 20 goals to six after quarter time soon quelled nerves. The Eagles have shocked many by their plummet from 2006 premiers to 2008 godawful rabble, but with a priority pick coming and most of their off-field troubles seemingly behind them they're sure to bounce back next year.

A twilight game in the mud of Adelaide followed. While the Western Bulldogs were keen to go into the finals with consecutive wins, the failures of Collingwood and North gave Adelaide the opportunity to leapfrog them into fourth spot. And after a hard-fought struggle the Crows emerged triumphant by nine points, to the joy of their loyal supporters. The game's major talking point came in the third quarter, when a soccered goal was awarded to Crow Jason Porplyzia after a scramble in the goalsquare. The decision was greeted with apoplexy by colourful Bulldog Jason Akermanis, who performed an impromptu haka on the spot in an attempt to have the call overturned. The replay showed the reason for Aka's fury- he had clearly punched the ball through by hand. But the decision stood, and the Crows hung on to take the points and, seemingly, the double chance.

A huge crowd packed Telstra Dome on the Saturday night, not in expectation of a classic contest between the high-flying Hawks and the already also-run Blues, but in hopeful anticipation that one or both of Lance "Buddy" Franklin or Brendan "The Urinator" Fevola would bring up the first century of goals in a home and away season since the glory days of the 1990s (although Matthew Lloyd did twice manage the feat during the finals). A stern warning was issued in the days leading up to the match that any spectator daring to run onto the ground once the ton was reached would be heavily fined, banned from Telstra Dome for the term of their natural lives, and possibly forced to listen to Aka complain about his unrecognised punch. So it was no surprise to anyone that, within seconds of Buddy slotting through his ton late in the first quarter, the Telstra Dome pitch resembled Glastonbury at Festival time. Hordes of Hawks and bevvies of Blues flooded the ground, eager to pat Buddy on the back for a job well done. It took about a month or so to clear the ground, after which the Hawks were untroubled in racking up a comfortable 13 goal win. And the bloke at the other end? Well, he went goalless in the first half but then caught fire in the second, booting seven goals to bring him up to 99. But sadly that was as far as he got, with the Hawks' defence able to keep the ball from him in the final stages. At least Fev was able to drown his sorrows on the Mad Monday following. With his usual class Fev caused talkback consternation by appearing in Federation Square three sheets to the wind, clad in a pink nightie and with a sizeble "marital aid" emerging from his pants. All things considered, it probably would have been more appropriate if big Fev had worn said item on his head. But kudos to him for going so close to the ton, next year maybe.

One more game to complete a full Saturday program, and the league's northern outpost sides did battle at the SCG. While the previous weekend's results had rendered the result of this match immaterial, the Swans were keen to go into the finals on a winning note and duly did so, recording a ten goal win. The Lions looked tired and dispirited at the end of a season which had promised a great deal but wound up delivering very little. One Lion who had had enough was coach Leigh Matthews, who wound up his glorious reign in Brisbane ten years, four Grand Finals and three premierships later. At the same press conference the Lions main gun Jonathan Brown announced that he would be staying on at the club, after earlier seeming inclined to depart. Within 48 hours football's own Runaway Bride, former Lions skipper Michael Voss, had added the West Coast Eagles to Carlton, Essendon and the Gold Coast as clubs he'd stood up, instead accepting the Lions coaching spot. So a changing of the guard up north, we'll see how they get on without the great Lethal at the helm.

Two games on Sunday to complete Round 22, and the first had a bit of a wake atmosphere about it as the confirmed also rans of Richmond and Melbourne did battle. And although both sides have gotten September off, the on-field future for the Tiges looks a hell of a lot better than does that of the Dees after Richmond handed out an 80 point mauling. Still, the number one draft pick beckons for Melbourne, let's hope they use it wisely because they need all of the talent they can get.

And so to the final stanza of a round of pure poetry, Essendon versus St Kilda. Going into the match the Saints were reasonably sure of securing a home final, but required a most unlikely 95 point victory to steal fourth spot. Crows fans still maintaining a warm inner glow from the previous night's heroics would have felt only a trifle nervous at three quarter time with the Saints up by 61 points. But as the St Kilda goals started to rain down in the final term the Adelaide faithful would have joining their red and black brethren in exhorting the Bombers to pull their fingers out and show some resistance. But to no avail. Essendon was absolutely pathetic and unable to stem the tide as the Saints raced past the required 95 point mark and instead posted a record victory against Essendon of 108 points. A magnificent achievement by St Kilda, a massively disappointing end for a very mixed season for Essendon. Let's hope that in the off-season the Bombers brains trust turns its attentions to figuring out how to keep players fit, healthy and out on the field after 2008 broke all records for injuries.

Eight teams now eliminated, eight still in the race for the title. But can anyone stop Geelong or, to a lesser extent, Hawthorn? September 2008 will provide all of the answers and it promises to be an absolute belter. While the AFL's slogan for the finals, "History Is Coming", may break rules of grammar and possibly cause yet another tear in the time/space continuum, the sentiment it conveys is undoubtedly an exciting one for AFL fans of all loyalties. We shall watch with great interest.

Just time for news of our seventeenth team, the soon to appear Gold Coast outfit. And, after months of feverish speculation as to what nickname the side would adopt, it was announced that they would be known as the Gold Coast......Football Club. Yes, no nickname. Evidently the Gold Coast folks recognised that the list of suggested monikers they had provided really were quite abysmal. Although I will still be thinking of them as the Brandos. They did unveil their mascot however, one Gary Clifford Irons. As seen here, the jumper's not too bad but I for one hope that the actual shorts worn by the players will be slightly less Warwick Capperesque than those worn by Mr Irons- http://gc17.com.au/index.php?id=12&tx_ttnews[tt_news]=65&tx_ttnews[backPid]=11&cHash=0da7247434