Round Eight: Feck arf, coop!

It has often been commented that Australian Rules Football is not a game which lends itself well to television. For starters, unlike games such as soccer, rugby or tennis AFL grounds are extremely big, making it impossible to simultaneously cover both the on-ball and down the field action. When the action is close-up on a player wheeling out of a pack and booting the ball downfield, it isn't until the camera zooms back that it becomes clear whether his kick is on a perfect trajectory to a fast-leading teammate, has gone over his head and dribbled out of bounds, or is on a perfect trajectory to a fast-leading opponent. You often need to rely on crowd reaction noise to tell you the story, not easy when the game is Melbourne-Freo at the MCG on a wet June Sunday afternoon in front of 11,000 people. There really is no substitute for being there. However, given that the AFL involves 8 matches a weekend across five states (unless there happens to be a game on that weekend in Darwin, Launceston, Canberra, Cairns, Norfolk Island or the Australian Antarctic Base) no human alive can make it to all 8 matches barring some sort of Star Trek telepathic device. Whether if you were in possession of such a device you would wish to utilise it on being present on the aforementioned Melbourne-Freo game is a question only you can answer, gentle reader.

So despite the shortcomings of television coverage of AFL, it is unfortunately necessary for footy funs to utilise its services from time to time. Such was the case for me last weekend, when I found myself sitting in front of the box for a number of fixtures. Living in a "non-traditional football state", my previous experience of AFL coverage under the Eddie McGuire regime had not been a positive one. How well I remember my righteous wrath one Friday night when waiting to see the Bombers and having to sit through not only the rugby league, not only the late news but would you believe it the Queen Mother's funeral procession! So I was quite mollified to discover that for the moment the Seven affiliate is screening the Friday game at 8.30pm and I was thus able to see Richmond's latest defeat in something approaching real time. The Crows kicked off with three goals in what seemed like a minute, and another Tiger tragedy looked on the cards. But to their credit Richmond fought back valiantly and had tipsters across the nation on tenterhooks before falling agonisingly short at the final siren. Eight straight, but a lot better than a couple of their previous defeats.

The next day featured a rarity- a Bombers game live from the MCG! So needless to say I went down the pub to watch it, only to find that the pub was screening the Geelong-Fremantle game on Foxtel. My self-imposed exile from the Dons game had the desired effect- Essendon roundly thumped the Brisbane Lions by ten goals. Given that every Essendon game I've watched, attended or listened to this season has resulted in defeat, I will now undertake a policy of football abstinence and hopefully the Dons will go on to take the flag as a result. The Geelong game wasn't a bad watch, it's always nice to see a bit of suburban footy on and the Cats didn't have any real problems in disposing of Freo.

Following my long afternoon down the pub I was somewhat the worse for wear when I arrived home and put on the late match- Hawthorn vs St Kilda. I thought I was suffering from blurred vision when I looked at the score board- 3 goals to 2 approaching three quarter time! Sadly I wasn't, this was one of the most boring, negative, godawful matches for many a day and the fans from both team were not restrained in voicing their opinions. Incredibly, there was something on at the exact same time that was equally bad- the FA Cup final on SBS in which Chelsea and Manchester United attempted to bore their opponents into submission. FA Cup was an apt description- I was reminded of one of my favourite lines from the magnificent sitcom Father Ted (Mrs Doyle solicitously offers Father Jack a cup of tea- "Now, what would you say to a cup?"
Father Jack drunkenly bellows back "Feck arf, coop!") I was doing a fair bit of drunken bellowing myself as I switched between the two shockers before giving up on them both and going to bed. Hawthorn won the footy I think, couldn't care less about the soccer.

Nursing a mild hangover the next day, I arose around noon and perused the papers. All were highly critical of the Hawks-Saints game which didn't surprise. It turned out that the other game on the Saturday night which was on Foxtel- Carlton vs the Carrararoos- had been an absolute cracker, a goalfest which the Roos had won. Once more I had ended up watching the wrong game. Oh well. I managed to watch the end of the Port-Sydney game, in which the Swans broke their run of recent defeats and knocked the Power off the top of the ladder (happily Port were wearing slightly less appalling jumpers this week). In the other matches, which somehow I didn't manage to see, West Coast took top spot back by thumping the hapless Demons who along with Richmond remain winless after 8 weeks. I'm sure supporters of both clubs are thanking their lucky stars for the existence of the other. My Magpie supporting brother in law informed me that he had experienced the same problem as me- completely unable to find the Pies-Dogs clash on the TV he had been forced to resort to an internet stream from the Geelong-based K-Rock radio station, famed for highly regional ads and for kicking off on weekday mornings with something called "Greg's Morning Horn". And the Pies lost too.

So there you have it. Footy on TV is guaranteed to give you a restricted showing of the wrong game. And yet I'm forced to watch it in order to keep up the quality standards of the wrap. The things I do for both of you people. See you again next week for Round Nine.