Round Nineteen: From Mateship to Mardi Gras

Some excellent news and some slightly sad news came my way over the last week. The good news first- with the aid of a well-placed surgical incision my sister successfully delivered a healthy baby girl last week, thereby giving all members of her extended family new and improved titles. I am now officially known as Uncle Stu. Having never been an uncle before I have had to do some research to try and work out exactly what an uncle's job is, and have considered the examples of various celebrity uncles. According to the examples presented by radio personality Uncle Doug Mulray and Comedy Company stalwart Uncle Arthur my job is simply to be an embarrassment. Shouldn't be too difficult to achieve. The Uncle Charlie from My Three Sons school dictates that being a cantankerous old prick is the way to go; while to follow the lead of Uncle Leo from Seinfeld I will need to exuberantly greet my niece at every opportunity, before proceeding to unfavourably compare her achievements to that of her horse-faced cousin Jeffrey (who works for the Parks Department). Possibly a tad difficult to pull off, that one. However the Uncle in the public eye who I would most like to emulate is the late Uncle Doug Elliot, the much-loved vaudevillian whose booming stentorian tones introduced World of Sport for many years. Uncle Doug also did many of the live ads- check out some of his best work here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3wzV7rGVwM. Clark Kent glasses? Check. Shakespearean thespian-style delivery? Check. Ability (and motivation) to throttle Lou Richards? Check and check. Bring on the kid!

The sad news referred to earlier is that the venerable Naughtons Hotel, the downfall of many a Melbourne University student, has closed its doors and is no more. As an unruly member of an unruly residential college in the mid-1990s, I undoubtedly spent more time (and unquestionably more effort) on ensuring that the pub remained solvent than I did on any of the subjects I was ostensibly studying. Mind you, anyone else with the unpleasant experience of dealing with the byzantine gnomes of the Arts Faculty bureaucracy and/or the communist (Marxist-Leninist) nutbags teaching the ideologically esoteric raft of subjects (Politics 102-210: From Mateship to Mardi Gras, anyone?) would unquestionably agree that I was in the better place. Others who agreed that Naughto's was the place to be were the 1995 Carlton premiership team, who famously celebrated long and hard there after belting the Cats in the Grand Final. The most memorable image of their celebrations featured mulleted skipper (and current board member) Stephen Kernahan belting out "Stand By Your Man" by the side of Royal Parade, before hurling his empty glass into the street. Enjoy it here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzA2nFklDo4.

The latter-day Blues did little on the weekend to allay ongoing suspicions of tanking- they started in Keystone Cops-style to allow Port Adelaide a match-winning lead, belted on 8 unanswered goals third quarter goals to hit the front and make the fans happy, then mysteriously faded to record their third honourable defeat in a row (thus keeping them in contention for a priority pick). Carlton face a difficult task this weekend when they face the stuttering Bombers- satisfactory win over an old rival or keep the pick? The Bombers' season continues to unravel, they were soundly beaten in the west by a rejuvenated Fremantle under the leadership of ex-Don Mark Harvey. Freo's week got even better later in the week when superstar skipper Matthew Pavlich signed on for another three years in the (probably mistaken) hope and belief that he would become the club's first premiership captain. I must admit to being a bit disappointed at Pav's decision. I have been hoping for some time that he would end up at Collingwood in a surprise exchange for lumbering forward Anthony Rocca, with the deal to be announced by Magpies CEO Eugene Arocca under the banner headline- "Arocca: Rocca Docker Shocker!" Oh well. Rocca's brother Sav incidentally continues to make great gains towards obtaining a starting position as a kicker at the Philadelphia Eagles, a contract worth squillions of dollars. This raises an interesting question- if Irish players are leaving Ireland en masse for the cash of the AFL, and AFL players are looking at the gold on offer in the US, how soon until the first Irishman cuts out the middle man and goes directly to the NFL? Although going directly from the round ball to the extremely pointy one without a bit of experience in kicking a slighty pointy one might prove a stumbling block there.

The Pies themselves suffered a shock defeat against the universally-written off Tigers, this could be the second year in a row in which a late season loss to a lowly opponent costs Collingwood a top four finish. The match was notable for the fact that at one point Tigers skipper Kane Johnson appeared both on TV and live at the match to be transforming into the Incredible Hulk while lining up for goal- perhaps disappointingly to comic book fans it turned out to be merely the work of some idiot in the stands with a green laser doing his best to permanently blind someone. Hopefully that same laser is now providing a vivid green hue in an uncomfortable part of its owner's anatomy courtesy of some suitably outraged supporter.

Another shock result was the hitherto hapless Demons shooting back into some late season form to comfortably account for the massively disappointing Bulldogs. The Dogs came into 2007 as the Great Victorian Hope but have never really looked like it this year. Maybe the recruitment of Jason Akermanis has proved more of a distraction than a benefit. Who knows. The Dogs are still alive but only just, as are the Saints, Crows and Lions. All four lost on the weekend but thanks to the vagaries of the 2007 draw they are all still in contention. The Saints lost to the Swans, who are gaining forward momentum with every passing week. The Crows went down to the Cats, who if they gain any more forward momentum will roll clear off the map. The Lions looked resplendent in the old Fitzroy strip against Hawthorn but unfortunately they evidently subconsciously adopted the old Fitzroy game plan too and their winning streak came to a halt. The Hawks are now the second-best team to beat, although that position has been a bit of a revolving door in recent weeks. Two former occupants, West Coast and the Carrararoos, fought out a tough one on the weekend from which the Eagles emerged victorious. The Roos are now out of the top four for the first time in quite a while but can still get back if they're good enough.

So with the weather getting better and spring on the horizon, we approach Round 20. More shocks in store? Almost certainly. So be sure to join Uncle Stu back here next week for more tenuously-football related discussion- and be sure to get a Repco Gold Star engine fitted straight away!