Round Twenty: Fudging the Evidence

Just when you thought it was safe to go back onto Telstra Dome... Seven seasons ago, they struck without warning, leaving unsuspecting Bomber Mark Johnson in a bloodied heap and leading an infuriated Kevin Sheedy to call for his skeet rifle. They've bided their time since then, waiting patiently until another player was foolish enough to be caught alone in the middle of the field... and then, in a blur of claws and feathers, they attacked! The dreaded Telstra Dome seagulls strike again! This time the helpless victim was Docker Jeff Farmer, a man who is certainly no stranger to controversy, who was left sprawled across the pitch with his nose splayed across his face as the nearest opposition player jogged innocently away some distance from the scene. Amazingly, no TV camera caught the incident. If not the seagulls, then what else could have taken Farmer out? Did a piece of the Telstra Dome roof come loose, a la the set light at the start of The Truman Show? Was that security guard Farmer punched some weeks back sitting up in the stands with an air rifle? The AFL Tribunal chose not to believe any of these quite plausible scenarios, instead handing the nearest Saint Steven Baker a massive seven week suspension. Season over for Baker and the seagulls off scot-free, chuckling evilly away up in the rafters like John Jarrett in Wolf Creek. How long until they strike again?

Copping a massive sentence in the lead up to the finals is the latter-day equivalent of transportation for life, minus the rum, sodomy and lash (although what happens on the end of season footy tour stays on the end of season footy tour!). Another player copping a 19th century-style sentence was Magpie Ben Johnson, who is out for the season after he took out Demon Daniel Bell with a sickening hit reminiscent of Bomber legend Michael Long's astoundingly out of character assault on young then-Demon Troy "Snake" Simmonds in the 2000 Grand Final. The Johnson hit had the effect of firing up the previously sluggish Demons, who gave the out of form Magpies a real scare before Collingwood came away with the win. Melbourne were at least able to chair skipper and club games record holder David Neitz off with a bit more pride than they did Byron Pickett some weeks back after their woeful Manuka Oval display against Sydney. The bloke who really deserved a lengthy spell on the sidelines, however, appears to have gotten away like a Telstra Dome seagull- I'm referring to the appalling hit put on ex-Magpie and Roo Sav Rocca, now of the Philadelphia Eagles, by Antwan Barnes of the Baltimore Ravens- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6U6bMPpIIc -deliberate contact to the head of an unsuspecting player while the ball is miles from the scene, that should have been season over for Barnes right there. A Rocca Knocker Shocker, you might say.

Perhaps, however, the American NFL judiciary has a similarly skewed system of justice as our own AFL Tribunal. It would appear that the seemingly ubiquitous Rocca Family are to be the holders of the unwelcome title of Last Key Player to be Rubbed Out for the Grand Final Ever- Anthony Rocca's suspension for the 2003 Grand Final playing no small part in Collingwood's hilariously dire performance as previously documented on this site. The AFL's displeasure with such a one-sided decider would explain Lions gun Jonathan Brown getting off on a technicality in 2004 and, in the most risible slash glaringly transparent verdict of all time, Barry Hall being allowed to play in 2005. Hall escaped suspension after whacking Saint Matt Maguire in the stomach with the ball nowhere in sight after the tribunal ruled that the action, illegal and dirty as it was, was somehow related to the flow of play. Don't even try and find logic in that one. Hall was simply too important to the Swans for the AFL to allow him to be absent on the big day. This Untouchables policy would also seem to apply to players in genuine contention for the Brownlow Medal- the AFL wants no repeats of the Corey McKernan/ Chris Grant embarrassments of '96/'97. Earlier this year Eagles golden boy Chris Judd, then in scintillating form, found himself before the tribunal on the unsavoury charge of eye-gouging Hawk Campbell Brown. To universal delight Judd, who is seemingly the only player on the entire West Coast list whom a prospective father in law wouldn't greet at the front door with a shotgun, was cleared. Last week Brown admitted on one of the many TV footy shows to fudging his evidence to ensure Judd got off, and was promptly fined $7500 for providing unsatisfactory evidence! Now really. What happened to the long standing tradition of not dobbing another player in at the tribunal? Nobody ever gives accurate evidence! You can imagine the tribunal members sitting around like Captain Renault in Casablanca, saying with straight faces- "We're shocked! Shocked! To discover that there has been fibbing going on in here". Talk about an open and shut case- the only bust in history that would have been easier would have been that cop who did Willy Nelson for marijuana possession some months back- incidentally, how come Cheech and Chong never got busted? Or Woody Harrellson? Or the cast of Reefer Madness? Check it out here- those people shouldn't be out on the street! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bM_vLk1I6G4

Brown's fine was part of a dismal week for the Hawks, who were also fined for having an illegal camera operating at their game (pity there wasn't one at the St Kilda-Freo match, those seagulls would have finally got their just desserts!) and then blew their match in Tassie against Port by conceding two goals in the last 30 seconds. Could be an expensive loss, considering how tight the battle is for top four spots. Port are now in pole position to take one of those spots, as are West Coast who recorded a straight forward victory over wooden spoon certainties Richmond at Subiaco. Geelong of course sewed up their top four spot some time ago and are now several games clear at the top of the ladder after a shaky win over the Carrarraroos. The Roos have now dropped three in a row, but should be able to pick up some points, form and confidence in the weeks leading into the finals. The Cats have now gone undefeated since their loss in Round 5- a club record within a single season- and the bubble of expectation continues to expand in the Corio Bay area. I recall it was around about this time of the year that the Almost Invincibles Bombers side of 2000 dropped a match unexpectedly- don't be at all surprised if the Cats happen to lose either this week or next.

One team quite adept at dropping matches is Carlton, without a win since Round 11. Carlton's latest tank came against the Bombers, who came from five goals down to take the points. Not quite as impressive a comeback as the Blues managed in the corresponding fixture earlier in the season but still a good result. Skipper Matthew Lloyd provided one for the highlights reel with an audacious backheel goal. As mentioned earlier Freo and St Kilda played off, the Saints took the points and thus finally ended the Dockers' finals chances. Freo have been like a hammy Shakespearean actor performing a death scene for months now, staggering around the stage, falling to their knees, recovering briefly but now seemingly finally at rest. Thank God. The Western Bulldogs too are in line to exit stage left after they went down to Adelaide, the Crows season still alive for the moment. Also holding on by the skin of their teeth are the Brisbane Lions, who salvaged their second draw of the season courtesy of a massive bomb from well outside the fifty by Jonathan Brown to severely damage Sydney's chances of stealing a top four spot.

So just two rounds of the regular season to go and we're all approaching fever pitch, whether our team is looking at their first flag since the black and white era; still in contention for a top four or top eight finish; or simply tanking their way to future glory. Take it easy over the weekend- watch out for seagulls and if you're in the mood for a quiet bevvy before the footy, why not try this place- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvFormOyvBQ I don't know if they show footy, but there's darts at least! See you back here for the Round 21 wrap.