Round Five: An Opportunity for Goat Slaughter

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the Victorian Football League (VFL) comprised of just eight teams. Two more joined in 1908, although one (University) fell over very quickly and is now little remembered (although the actual University itself is still standing). 1925 saw three more teams come on board, after which the VFL enjoyed stability for more than half a century. 12 teams, all in or around the greater Melbourne area, all matches on a Saturday afternoon leaving Sunday free for the wingless thuggery of the VFA. Then came the 1980s and everything changed. South Melbourne headed north to Sydney, where the twin atrocities of Warwick Capper's shorts and Dr Geoffrey Edelstein's pink helicopter must have appalled long time supporters of the old Bloods. Only a few years later the West Coast Eagles and Brisbane Bears came in simultaneously, bringing to the competition two truly garish jumpers, awful club songs and a much greater risk to all involved in the playing, coaching and covering of their matches of contracting deep vein thrombosis.
Come the '90s, come the Crows, Dockers, Power and the all-new Lions, out with the old Roys and Bears. Stability at last. Believe it or not we have had an unchanged line-up of teams now since 1997- that's 12 straight seasons! All together too good a situation to last. The AFL announced at the start of this season that it intended to boost team numbers even further by expanding into the Gold Coast and Western Sydney, two regions not traditionally known for their support of the great game. While the announcement caused general consternation amongst existing AFL clubs, concerned over issues such as player lists and draws, it caused general apoplexy down in Tasmania. The Apple Isle's Premier Paul Lennon stood together with his frontbenchers George McCartney, John Starr and Ringo Harrison and angrily declaimed the AFL for proposing an expansion that would yet again deny Tasmania, a traditional football state, the right to have their own team. Personally I'd like to see a Tasmanian team competing in the AFL. Presumably their nickname would be the Devils, which would lead to a fantastic fixture at least once a season when they took on the Demons. The fans would be slaughtering goats in the stands before the game and playing the club song backwards to follow. Now there's a fixture perfect for Rivalry Round!
But sadly the AFL seems set on excluding the Tasmanians and pushing ahead with its move into the hitherto unfriendly northern outposts. One immediate problem they are facing is that their contract with the Queensland Government necessitates the Gabba (in Brisbane) being the primary venue for AFL matches up north. Ironic, really, back in the '80s we had a team called Brisbane which played all of its home games on the Gold Coast, now the reverse might be the case. But the bigger issue is what on earth are we going to call the new teams? Given that the last two entrants into the AFL have gone with the Dockers and the Power we are already plumbing the depths of team names. Given some of the shockers that the Indian Premier League and the National Netball League have come up with (of which the Knight Riders and the Tactix must surely be the most mindboggling) can we dare hope that the new teams won't be immediately stillborn through the imposition of a fatal moniker? Probably not, which is why I'm proposing that the new Gold Coast team should spring into life as the Gold Coast Muriels. I say this because they're pretty much guaranteed to be both flashy and terrible. On a similar note I'd like the other team to be called the West Sydney Poidas, in tribute to Eric Bana's memorable bogan who will surely be representative of their fan base. Anyone got a better suggestion?
This is what happens when you get behind on writing a blog, you end up writing pretty much any old nonsense. Let's get to the results of Round Five before it gets any worse. This was a round that only contained one great shock- a draw between the Bulldogs and the Tigers. The Dogs pretty much got out of jail free after being 19 points down with only a couple of minutes to go, it was a brave effort to tie it all up. In other matches the Saints put Essendon away without much fuss; Sydney ran Geelong close for three quarters before being blown away in the last; Adelaide beat Freo in a low-scoring affair; Lance "Buddy" Franklin booted 8 as the Hawks kept their unbeaten run going away to Brisbane; Carlton made it two on the trot for the first time in years by extending Melbourne's misery; Port finally opened their account with a surprisingly comfortable away win in Perth against West Coast; and North pulled a rabbit out of the hat by beating Collingwood in a belter of a match on the Saturday night. Like the Tigers the following day, the Pies looked to have wrapped up the game but a series of clangers ( a 45 degree centre bounce by the umpire into the arms of a charging Roo; a miss from 25 metres out by established villain Alan Didak) led to the playing of the jauntiest of club songs when the siren finally sounded.
I'm not sure I've really done the AFL's expansion plans much justice in this wrap, perhaps we'll return to the topic in weeks to come. In the meantime cast your mind to better monikers for the expansion teams, and be kind to your goats. See you back here for Round 6.